Kinda called BM Liar(Sorry long, need advice!)

[bleemom]

I am a a SM to an 8yr old SD.  My husband and I have been married for five years.  BM and I usually get along pretty well, sometimes exceptionally well.  DH and I have had and still have large disagreements with BM over things such as taking SD to the dr., paying for her school lunch, involving her in activities, giving her the asthma meds, not smoking around her, etc...

That said, in Sept. SD had an accident where she severed her Achilles Tendon.  Had to go from ER to surgery to repair, etc.  Even though we had, for the most part, always been civil with each other something seemed to change that day.  In the past we would go through phases where things with BM seemed wonderful, but every single time that happened and we gave her the benefit of the doubt she always did something to mess it up and we would have to start from square one.  But after the accident, things were different.  For the better.  We kept telling ourselves, maybe this time it is different and she won't skrew up again.

WRONG!  Dh and I get a copy of our credit report every year after the first of the year to be sure nothing is on it that we might have missed, etc.  Well, this year their was a collections account on DH's.  Come to find out that BM had taken SD to the Dr. over a year ago and had ignored the bills.  Since Dh has to cover SD on his insurance the bill was in his name, but had BMs address on it.  Now, the amount wasn't that large, but it is a big deal b/c she is messing with our credit here.  It was strange that she didn't just ask us for our half, and pay it.  

Anyway, you will probably disagree with this part b/c I am only the SM and have no rights/responsibilities.  Well, not in our family.  I am the mom.  I take care of the finances, picking/dropping off SD to BMs most of the time(Dh doesn't get off work til 5), I go to most Dr. appts. with BM and SD, BM calls me instead of DH, etc.  DH usually never has to deal with BM.  BM would rather deal with me instead.  She knows he won't put up with her crap.  She is finding out, however, that I am no pushover and I won't put up with it either.  Actually, I am a very passive person, but not when it comes to her.  I guess that is why she might have thought she could get away with things with me and I wouldn't say anything.  I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq.  It was my job while he was gone, ya know.  Then when he got back after a year, we just kept it like it was.  He didn't have to deal with her, and I didn't mind it.  DH thinks she takes advantage of me sometimes.  He told me how pathetic it was that I am not SD's mother and she doesn't even live with us, yet I am the one that knows when her Asthma meds need a refill, etc.  Her own mother whom she lives with just depends on me to do it, but that is BM for you.  I am not going to get into that.  I have strayed from the subject too much already.  I will get back to it.

Back to my problem.  I called BM Thurs. night on the Feb. 15th.  I told her about the collections account.  Of course, she didn't know anything about it b/c she never received anything from them.  (Ya right, they said they had mailed her notices at least 3 times, and they had her correct address.)  So, she told me she would go the very next day to the Dr. office to take care of it.  I told her that we may have to pay the collection agency now.  She said she would see if they would let her pay it in the office and if not she would mail a check.  I said ok, that it just needed to be taken care of.  She did apologize that it happened, so I thought it was all ok.  Well, I went to pick SD up the next day and BM acted kind of weird.  She usually asks me in, especially if it is cold outside.  It was freezing, but she stood in the door and we were outside on the porch waiting on SD.  She almost hurried us out the door, I later find out it was probably so I wouldn't have time to ask her about the bill.  So, SD, DS, and I left.  It is about a 45 min drive home.  I thought it was very strange that she didn't say a word about it, and I wasn't going to ask her in front of SD.  Well, the more I thought about it the more irritated I got.  I finally called her on the way home, SD didn't know who I was talking to.  BM didn't seem pleased to hear from me.  I asked, "did you find anything out about that balance?"  She said, "yes" and that is it.  Just sat there, well I just sat their too and she finally said, "it's taken care of."  I said, ok.  Thinking how weird it was that she was being so short about it.  If it were me I would be explaining my rear off.  Called her the minute I paid it.  Anyway, I said, "so they let you pay it in the office?"  She said, "yes".  Then I asked her if they said anything about why insurance didn't pay for some of it.  She said, "no""  and that is it.  I waited again til she said, "actually I didn't even think to ask, I will call them Monday or Tuesday and ask."  I just said, "ok, thank ya much."  Then we got off the phone.  I practically had to drag any information out of her.  Keep in mind this was Friday the 16th.  The day after I told her about the bill.  I blew off the strangeness of the conversation.  It had been paid, so I thought, and I was going to let it go.  

Well, Monday came and I called the lady at the collection agency (we are on a first name basis now) to see if it had been paid and how we go about getting it taken off Dh's credit since it wasn't his fault.  She said, that it hadn't been reported as paid to her yet, but she would call the Dr. office to find out if it was paid and if they will let her take it off the credit.  Well, she called back the next day Tues.  the 20th and said that the Dr. office had not been paid and that they can't take it off of DH's credit until it is paid.  Oh, I was fuming!  Dh was too.  He called the Dr. office and explained everything.  They told him they were sorry and he paid it over the phone.  They were going to get it off his credit and they too had sent BM several bills that had been ignored.  

So, DH was going to call BM about it, but she called first to tell DH something.  I felt like she was avoiding me, b/c like i said, she usually calls me.  Every now and then she will confuse us and call him.  No biggie.  Anyway, he told her that the Dr. office never received a payment from her, so she may need to check on that.  Well, she told DH that she had mailed the payment and that was why they didnt' have it yet.  He was winking at me the entire time, knowing that BM was lying.  But he just let her lie.  He was too nice.  I would have called her out right then and there.  She told DH that she would just call and have them apply that to another account.  She would send us our half.  I was telling DH that she owed us for SD's meds also.  So she was going to send us a check for all that.  Dh got off the phone with her and he told me she said she mailed it, I said, "she told me they let her pay it in the office Friday."  He said, "well, I didn't know that."  MEN!  I told him that.  Anyway, BM was supposed to send us money to pay on SDs surgery bills also, but since she usually only talks to me DH didn't know to remind her.  I called her back to see if she was still sending that money also.  She asked if she could talk to her husband and call me back the next day.  This was Wednesday night, so she was supposed to call me back Thursday.  Well, I talked to the Dr. office Thursday to be sure they had our address for future bills and the lady in accounts said she still hadn't received anything from BM nor had she heard from her.  The lady also said that had she mailed it Friday when she was supposed to have taken care of it they would have already had it a few days ago.  I knew that too b/c we paid the bill on the phone on Wed. and had the receipt from them the very next day in the mail.  BM never called me back Thurs. like she was supposed to.  I was ready for her, believe me.  THen I talked to the Dr. office again on Friday about how to be sure the credit bureaus are reported to, etc.  The accounts lady told me she still had not received a payment from BM nor heard from her.  I made sure to call just before they closed and so there mail would have already have run.  That way BM couldn't say she talked to them and they had received it.  Ya know?  I never even mentioned BMs name at the Dr. office nor did my husband.  Don't want you to think we were bashing her name or anything.  Just wanted to have our ducks in a row.  I was ready again Friday for her to call about the other bills, but she never called.  She didn't call Saturday either, gee ya think she is avoiding me?  I knew I had to call her Sunday or she would have another day to say they got her payment.  I had several other things to discuss with her besides money and her lying anyway.  

Well, I called her last night.  She was nice to me when she answered the phone, I was nice, but not my normal perky self.  But when I started talking about the other stuff I needed to discuss with her she got real short and I sensed some irritation in her voice.  Maybe she picked up on mine.  Anyway, I waited until I had discussed everything else with her first before mentioning the bill.  Then I said, "you told Dh that you mailed that payment to the Dr. office?"  She said, "yes."  I said, "but you told me they let you pay it in the office."  She said, "I meant they told me I could mail it to the office and I called them on Friday after I talked to DH and told them just to credit it to another account."  That was weird b/c she talked to DH on Wed.  I said, "that's funny b/c I  talked to them Friday right before they closed and they said they hadn't received any payment from  and that DH and I are the only ones that they have talked to about this account.  She said, well I called them.  I told her the Dr. office also said that they would have received it had she mailed it on Friday.  BM said she didn't mail it on Friday, she mailed it on Monday.  I said, they why did you tell me they let you pay it in the office on Friday.  Then said said, "what I meant by that was that they let me mail it to the office and not have to pay the collection agency."  I said then why did you tell me it was taken care of on Friday then.  She said, what does it matter it was paid and she was mailing us her half.  She asked me if I was saying she was lying, I never called her a liar (in those words), I just said, it just doesn't add up.  she said she didn't appreciate being called a liar.  I told her it just didn't make sense and I was sorry but I had a hard time believing that since the Dr. office still hadn't received a payment and they had only talked to dh and I about it.  She just, understandably, got mad and said she would mail the check to us and see one of us when we picked SD up on Friday.  I told her that I would love nothing more than for her to prove me wrong and that she has to look at it from our end.  What it looked like.  She said she understood that, but she was telling me what happened.  Then I started to tell her that it was just disheartening to me b/c we seemed to be at such a good place.  She interrupted and just said she was going to go and she would see us Friday.  I just said, ok thanks.  She just hung up.  Now, I said I never said lied or liar, but I may have said I didn't appreciate feeling lied to after she said she didn't appreciate being called a liar.  

Now, I know I could have just let it go w/o saying anything b/c it was taken care of.  But it was bad enough she ignored the bills and had an account that we knew nothing about turned over to collections as bad credit, but she can't think she can just lie to us and we won't ever say anything.  Ya know?  I kind of took it personal b/c she told me one thing and Dh another.  Even if she had mailed the payment on Monday it would have been there long before Friday.  I know I also could have handled it differently and still confronted her about it, but I am not good with words especially in an arguement.  There were lots of other things I could have said that would have helped me prove it, but I don't think quick enough.  

What is bothering me now, is that tiny chance she really did mail it and it really did get lost in the mail.  I hate the thought of me calling someone a liar and be wrong.  I also hate when I know someone is mad at me, but what did I expect?  I keep saying I, but Dh thinks she is lying also.  He just told me he didn't want to argue with her.  I didn't either, but she can't thinks he can lie and we would just look the other way.  I hate thinking that things will be awkward now, and it wasn't my intention to make her hate me so much that we can't talk civil anymore.  I almost wanted to call her back last night and apologize, but that was how it looked to us.  But I didn't want to make it worse.  Doesn't everything I have said make you think she is lying?  Or are we reaching?  I still in my heart feel like she was lying.  The fact that she was avoiding and how short she was with me.  Ok, this had turned into a novel.  WOW I am so sorry.  

Do you think I should say something with the means of mending things, not saying I believe her, but calling a truce of some kind?  If so, what do i say and when?  Or, should I just drop it and she will get over it eventually?  I am not a confrontational person, I sware.  I would appreciate any advice, suggestions, or opinions.  

Thanks in advance!

Smiles,  :-)
Bleemom

[Sherry1]

But first off, whoever took the kid to the doctor/hospital is legally responsible for the bill.  If BM took the kid to the doctor, then she is legally responsible, you are not.  If the doctor's office billed you for a visit that BM took her to, then they are wrong.  I have numerous times and I mean numerous times received doctors invoices and bills for the skids.  I write in huge letters that BM took the kids to the doc, BM authorized treatment to the kids, BM is responsible for  the bill.  Period, remove DH as the person to invoice.  They check their records then removes DH from the invoice.  A person cannot be held responsible for treatment they did not personally authorize.

Secondly, your SD is not your child, you were not there when she was conceived, you were not there when she was born, you were not the one that brought her into the world, your DH did.  It is his responsibilty to deal with BM, not yours.  He chose to have sex with this woman and have a child with her, not you.  

I do not have any dealings what so ever with BM, and I never will.  If I see her caller ID on the phone, I won't even answer it unless DH or YSS is home.  (YSS lives with us).  

[jilly]

Well how about this for some BS:

DH carries SD on his medical insurance.  This is not court ordered and he has no obligation to pay all or a percentage of her medical expenses.  He is only carrying SD on his insurance because the Ex was losing her job/benefits and she asked him to put SD on his insurance.  He didn't mind doing that because it's a necessity.

SD has ADHD.  Her RX for ADHD was about to run out.  The only way she could get a refill was to have a yearly physical. DH had agreed to pay the co-pay for the visit but I forgot to write the check to send home with SD.  The doctor office called one day when DH just happened to be off from work and he told them he'd mail in a check for the co-pay.  We had some other bills that had to take priority so I didn't get a check out to them right away.

Next thing I know they're sending us a bill for the entire visit.  DH told the Ex they had sent us a bill and she said she'd take care of it.  So, we get another bill.  DH calls and is told that because he carries the insurance and agreed to pay the co-pay that he was responsible for the entire bill.  We paid the bill but I wrote a note on the invoice returned with the payment that he was not responsible for payment of any future medical expenses and that the custodial parent was responsible for payment of any and all medical expenses. (Ex has sole physical custody and they have joint legal custody)

How the heck can they make that leap?  He's not court ordered to even carry insurance on SD, much less make any payments.  He's doing it because it's the right thing to do.  KWIM?

Oh well...guess if/when she takes him back for a CS increase he has lots of ammunition.

[Sherry1]

But, the minute he made the agreement to pay anything, he became responsible to pay the whole bill.  It is really BS.   Doctor's offices don't care who is the custodial parent, even with sole custody. The doctor's office doesn't care about court orders or anything of the such.

You were put in a position that I was quite a long time ago.  YSS was visiting his maternal grandmother, slipped on an ashtray and cut open his head.  He needed stiches.  DH ended up taking YSS to the emergency room even though it was BM's and her mother's responsibility.  We got stuck with a $200 doctor bill that was out-of-network treatment.  BM nor her mother would pay anything.  It really wasn't our bill, but I paid it so that it wouldn't hit our credit.  We were really poor at that time, 65% of DH's disposable income was going to CS.  I paid off that $200 at $40/month because we couldn't afford anything more.

DH's birthday is first, so he is the primary insurance holder.  We always get bills from doctors for the skids.  Since DH is the primary insurance holder and BM's is second, our address is always used first.  I have spent years sending doctor bills back!  Since DH never agreed to pay anything or authorized treatment, we have been okay!

The system really is broke and I am afraid it will take a very long time, if ever, for a child support system to work right!

[dipper]

In Feb 2006, BM took ss to a counselor.  This was court ordered, with a payment of 50/50.  She told dh only the office, not any info on visits, etc.  We had to contact the office to find out who the counselor was, etc.  BM basically only took him twice to the counselor and once she had him on drugs through the psychiatrist only took him to her.  But, she never paid anything on it.

Dh carries the insurance.  The counselor's office keeps sending dh the entire bill every month.  We have paid very little on it just because they will not even split it when we sent a copy of the order.   DH has repeatedly told bm that she needs to take care of her half, but she wont pay a dime.  

years ago, a dental office said that they could not hold dh liable for the bill because he was not the person to bring ss in.  I am wondering though....those papers always ask who the responsible party is.  We have requested a copy of this from the counselor's office, but they wont give it to us.  

More than likely, dh will have to pay it and take her to court....

[FLMom]

I know the feeling guys.

I requested to carry the kiddos insurance cause I knew med bills wouldn't get paid unless I handled it.

One day I went to go pick up the kids, and the ex sent out a bunch of papers for them to hand to me. I opened up the bundle and there was a note that said "take care of this". It was for pediatrician bills and out-of-network from a medical test. They were LONG overdue.

Got an earful---at first----when I called the peds billing office. It wasn't til we put our heads together that we figured out what was happening. When ex would take our kids to the doctor and pay the co-pay, he didn't like seeing my name and addy on the billing as the responsible party. So, he'd tell whatever receptionist that was there to change the name and addy!! And they would, every time!!!! It wasn't until I had them put an alert on the account when it came up NOT to change any information that stuff stayed straightened out.

It's funny in a way. Doesn't want to carry the insurance, doesn't want to pay the bills, but he's gonna take away the only notification I would have to pay so he doesn't have to see my name on it. Crazy.

[Mamacass]

You aren't the one who did wrong here, BM is.  She knew the bill was due and she ignored it.  She waited until y'all called her on it, and even then she wasn't completely honest with you.  She lied at some point, even if her payment was lost in the mail.  

Don't let her turn it around on you.  At this point, she has you believing that you did something wrong.  That's her way of taking the heat off of herself and what she did.

My SS's BM tried this a few years ago on us.  She borrowed money from me (its a long story why, and it will NEVER happen again).  She was supposed to pay me back when she got paid a few days later, but after 6 weeks she actually confronted me about it.  And she tried to make it out to be my fault.  Apparently I shouldn't have lent her the money since I couldn't afford for her not to pay it back.  Then she tried to play the poor pitiful single mom card.  Which was pretty stupid considering at that time DH had SS more than 50% of the time and he paid her CS based on her having the child 90 % of the time and he paid the child care expenses which were her responsiblity b/c they were also calculated into the CS.  She actually told me "You don't know what it's like to be a single mom and take care of a child all by yourself without ANYONE'S help".  Well to be honest, no I don't know what that's like but then either does she.  
I think she tried to turn the whole thing around to take the heat off of her.  I guess she figured that I would forget about the fact that it all came down to the fact that she still owed me money.  I guess it worked out for her, b/c rather than deal with her screaming at me, I told her to  keep the money and consider it a gift from me to the child. It had become such a big issue between her and DH every week b/c she would get upset with him when she would tell him that she still didn't have the money.  It was just easier for me to work a few extra hours to pick up the money that to deal with all the crap from BM.  

Anyways, back to you.  Don't worry about calling her a liar.  You didn't really say that, you just pointed out to her taht her story had some serious holes, and she is just mad that she got caught.  At this point, don't worry about what she did when, just worry about getting the money straight.  She's not going to admit that she lied, but hopefully you can get your money back.  

If she is upset with you, then let DH deal with her for a while.  Eventually she'll cool off, and if not, oh well.  When DH is away and you have to talk to her, she will have to learn to be civil.  In our case, I don't speak with BM at all, b/c she's awful to deal with.  Honestly though, if she werent such a PBFH, I would probably be the one to deal with her since I take care of all the scheduling stuff at our house.  

[Jade]

First off, you are NOT the mom to your STEPdaughter.  The sooner you realize that, the less problems you will have.  You have no legal standing at all.  Your stepdaughter has an involved mother.  

Second, should my ex remarry, there is NO WAY I would ever discuss any financial information regarding my children with anyone other than my ex.  Why?  Because the is between the actual parents.  If my ex wants to discuss it with his future wife, that is up to him.  But I won't even talk to her about it.  And the same would apply for anyone I marry.  

She may have lied, but that is between her and the father of her child.  

[Jade]

>But first off, whoever took the kid to the doctor/hospital is
>legally responsible for the bill.  If BM took the kid to the
>doctor, then she is legally responsible, you are not.  If the
>doctor's office billed you for a visit that BM took her to,
>then they are wrong.  I have numerous times and I mean
>numerous times received doctors invoices and bills for the
>skids.  I write in huge letters that BM took the kids to the
>doc, BM authorized treatment to the kids, BM is responsible
>for  the bill.  Period, remove DH as the person to invoice.
>They check their records then removes DH from the invoice.  A
>person cannot be held responsible for treatment they did not
>personally authorize.
>
You are incorrect there.  If I take my kids to the doctor or the hospital, my ex is responsible for his portion of it after the initial built in medical expenses that are in child support is used up.  He is still responsible even if he didn't personally authorize it.  He is still the father.  He would have to be able to prove that it wasn't medically necessary.  And the father in this case would not be able to do that.  The only thing that he would not be responsible for is the difference in cost of an out of network provider (unless it was an emergency).

>Secondly, your SD is not your child, you were not there when
>she was conceived, you were not there when she was born, you
>were not the one that brought her into the world, your DH did.
> It is his responsibilty to deal with BM, not yours.  He chose
>to have sex with this woman and have a child with her, not
>you.  
>

I have to agree with you there.

[Sherry1]

My DH may be responsible for part of the unpaid medical, but not to the medical facility.  They cannot hold my DH legally responsible for the bill, he did not authorize care.  They never have in 12 years.  I have sent back probably 40 invoices and told them to bill mom.  They check, find out who authorized care and change the invoice, end of that story.  My DH is responsible for paying his portion BUT NOT legally responsible to pay the doctor or hospital.  He is legally responsible for reimbursing BM when she sends us an invoice for our portion.  Due to HIPAA and the new privacy regulations, someone who does not authorize care at the facility cannot be held responsible for the bills.