When steps turn on you....

[dipper]

Dh and I have been married about three years.  His oldest son, who he had custody of turned 18 shortly after we married.  he moved in with his then gf's family.  Few months later, moved in with us.  Once he briefly moved out on his own, but overall lived here.  he slept on the sofa and wouldnt sleep in the bed.  He often spoke of how his mom's friends said if he knew how she talked about him, he would not speak to her again....she refused anything he ever asked of her.  She harrassed his gf, which may have led to their break-up.   YSS was everything to her basically.  

When dh was awarded custody of yss, all of a sudden oss started sleeping in the bedroom that yss would be in...in the bed.  OSS started dating a 16 year old girl 21 months ago - he was 20.  He immediately began spending the night with her, and I put a stop to that.  I also last year began charging oss a very minimal rent because I felt he was grown and needed to show responsibility.

Well, bm pulled some mess and yss stopped visiting her.  Now, she has not tried to take visitation...and dh has never refused it.  In fact, she did request last month, but didnt follow through though dh said it was fine.  Okay...so, yss stopped visiting her last November.  

BM began calling the gf's house to talk with oss then.  She would not call him here anymore, but at the gf's.  After their dating 15 months, all of a sudden, bm loved the gf.  Now, another note here....gf smokes, drinks, and oss is the second MAN to live with her from what I understand.   GF is 17 now....

GF hates us, or it appears so.  The little time oss would be here, gf would be calling to wake him and fuss until he came over there....if they came here, she would pull him into another room away from us.  Still does.  OSS moved in with her a few months ago.  We hardly ever see him.  He works at the same place dh does, so that is the only way dh sees him.

BM lives 2 hours away, one way, and she sees oss and gf alot more than we do.  They will drive there and spend hours and even overnight.   Yet, if they come by here, its for no more than 10 minutes..and gf stays in a different room and comes and pulls oss out if he comes near us.

BM called here the other night asking yss when he last saw oss.  Thought that was odd....but then it turns out that we think oss had came by here when we werent here and called her on our phone.  He dropped a pen out in the driveway - one dh knows for a fact had been in oss car that morning and we do not have one like that......Then today we found out that oss and gf had went down and spent the night with her...gf's mom told yss when he called for oss....

We are worried that oss is coming in snooping when we are not here for bm....and if he cant visit when we are here, we dont want him here when we are out.  

It really hurts that we have did so much to help oss and he has turned on us so much.  He has nothing to do with us.  Yet, his bm has put down on him and treated him like dirt for years, and he will do anything she wants now and seems to seek her company.....

[hagatha]

There are a couple things you could consider.

First you need to be sure he is coming in the house when you are not home. You Could spend the time and money on a new security system. But first I would just rig something easy.

Get some tape. When you are leaving you put a piece of tape from the bottom of the door to the doorjam (the open side) or from the door to the ground. When you return you check the tape. If it isn't still secure you know someone was there. I would do the same to desk drawers and bedroom doors. Once you know someone has been in the house you can decide on the security system you need.

As far as OSS and Bm. He wants what he couldn't have. He thinks she all the sudden cares for him. You know she doesn't and is looking for something from him. It's about her not him. He will eventually realize that and get away from her. The same with the GF. He will eventually grow a brain and realize he needs more from a partner and she will be history too. I just hope he isn't a daddy first.

Good Luck
The Witch

(PS the above tape trick can also be done with a paperclip. Just stick the clip in the doorjam about 1/2 inch from the bottom of the door. You can use just about anything. Folded up paper, even a piece of string)  

[dipper]

Hagatha,
thank you.  I have thought that with the gf, the appeal is that she is a younger version of his mother.  His first gf was alot like her, but not to the extreme this girl is.  

To be honest, the steps had chosen to be with us.  This gf never tried to get along with us, and I quite honestly felt it was her mechanism of isolating him from his family to have him all to herself.  but, then she loves bm and will spend hours with her - and go places alone with her.  It just really hurts because I am not used to rejection by my stepsons and just kinda envisioned extended family life.  Now, its as if we will always be outsiders in oss' life because his mom and gf like each other so much.

As for the house, thanks for the tips.  I know what days he is more likely to come in, so those are some ideas...

[wysiwyg]

Some cameras are also motion activated  as well as dig voice recorders.  You could leave one out someplace to catch pic or audio.