MAJOR SCHOOL PROBLEMS.

[tharper001]

Well, in spite of the court dates that we have scheduled in June, we got some great news for us... terrible news for my 11 year old SD.  

Just received school documents from her current school.  Since 1998, we have maintained the school records.  She has generally been consistent with B's and C's, some D's -- this is not acceptable to us, but what can we do when we only have her 20% of the time -- let's hope this changes very soon!

Anyway, since she has been in this school (her first year in middle school) -- she began in this school in November, after being forced out of the charter school she attended at the beginning of the year for lack of CP's involvement and a great big scene that the CP made.... SHE HAS BEEN ABSENT OR TARDY 42 TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  42 FREAKIN' TIMES............. WITH MOST BEING UNEXCUSED.

What a tragedy that this CP is allowed to continue to raise her child without supervision, and we still have to jump through hoops just to get a court date!  It's absolutely ridiculous.  And, the dates in June don't even cover the custody issue... it cover's the mother firing her attorney and the father requesting psychiatric evaluation.  I hope we have this young girl before the start of the next school year.  So that we can give her half a chance at succeeding in life.

[junglechicken]

Parents here get investigated when kids have more than, I think, 3 or 5 unexcuses absences.

The school or the school board should be doing something about that - I'd find out what, if anything.  Check their website.  There may be a policy.

[Stepmom0418]

We have had the same kind of problem with SS. DH contacted the superintendent of the school and he investigated our concerns and then did a referal to the truency officer. I dont know what state you are in but you may want to check out the laws about Truency. Where we are a child has to be present in school a certain amount of days or the child is considered Truent! Now of course we are also running into some problems getting the Truency Officer to take action as the SS is still missing school but at least DH did do his part and made the situation known and is still trying to insure his son is in school! Now it is up to BM to get SS to school. (The truency officer is now saying that it is too late in the year to persue anything) Good Luck and check into those laws!

[StPaulieGirl]

Is the child having problems with the school?  My goal, when we move (we're currently residing in the house I grew up in-which is to be sold by a probate auction), is to homeschool my youngest.  Starting last year, she beat your kid in absences and tardies, hands down :-(  Several times this has been my fault.  I suffer from insomnia, and occasionally fall asleep, only to wake up and it's 10 am.  She spends the day doing her homework and reading assignments, but it isn't enough.

My girl hates going to school, and my 16 yr old is on home studies.  For such a "good school"  there are a lot of miserable little kids.  It's not just mine.  It's too bad the CP couldn't deal with charter school. They are an excellent alternative to the public zoo system.  I've posted about this situation here in the past.  

If possible, talk to your SD and ask her how she likes her school, and what would help her improve her attendance and grades.

Good luck.  I hope you all can find a solution to this problem.

[tharper001]

My SD got in the 92 and 93 percentile on her 4th grade FCAT.  She is a very bright little girl.  And yes, she probably hates school now -- because she is being raised to think that she doesn't have to do what other people say (i.e. teachers).  She's also being raised to say things like she's late because the school's clocks are 5 minutes fast and that she runs on Eastern Standard Time.  

The problem is she doesn't do her homework, because she is left home alone many times -- from the time school lets out until sometimes as late as midnight and even later.  And no, the police won't do a damn thing... it's not illegal.  So the kid doesn't do her assignments, she's never been made to stick to a schedule to do her homework or study.  On every single report card that we have since 1998, there is a mention of her not getting along with others, not getting assignments done, talking too much in class, etc.  That's because of the way she's being raised.  Not to mention her being late and absent -- that really teaches her responsibility doesn't it.

Hopefully the courts will do a psychiatric evaluation and take a look at the school grades, and then they do this on my husband -- and the psychiatrist makes it clear to the judge that there is no question where the child needs to be raised from now on.  

For your child, what about a Sylvan learning system?  These are great programs to help children that may not like school.  

Best of luck to you.  Thanks.

[StPaulieGirl]

Lol, the clocks are 5 minutes fast?  Mine is getting better about not dragging her feet getting ready for school.  They've just finished testing, so I don't have the results for that yet.  I had to allow them to test her for learning disabilities.  There were none, but she's been diagnosed as having severe depression.  I absolutely refuse to drug her.  I got suckered into that with my son.  There was no benefit in feeding him Celexa and Paxil.

My youngest didn't have a problem until last year.  The teachers keep saying that she doesn't do her homework, but I sit here helping her learn what her spelling words mean on a nightly basis.  Seriously, how do you expect a child to fill in the blank, when no one told them the meaning of the word?  She is careless about putting the homework in her backpack.  I've cleaned under the couch and found papers from months ago.  

So where is this child's mother?  Is she working, and can't afford child care? Why doesn't she work while the child is in school?   I don't understand how you can leave a child that age alone for that many hours, and not have a problem with the cops.  In CA, it is illegal to leave a child unsupervised.  It sounds like she's acting out regarding not getting along with others.  Have you observed "passive aggressive" behavior?  My kids drive me nuts with that.

Sylvan is a good program.  I think that in my daughter's situation, she would do well in a homeschooling or charter program.  It will take some effort on my part, but I've been looking at the success stories from parents that homeschool, and I think it's worth it.  Universities are starting to actively recruit homeschooled kids.  Look up "Heritage Girls" on google.  It's a great alternative to Girl Scouts, but several women and I noticed how hard it is to start a troop.  I have the site bookmarked, anyway.  Just in case you and your husband are interested...

It sounds like your stepdaughter's mother needs a psychiatric evaluation.   For her own good, as well as her daughter's.   If she refuses to cooperate, then maybe you should be raising that girl.

Good luck to you, too :-)

[tharper001]

Well, the child's mother -- first of all -- works at a bar/restaurant.  From an ex-boyfriend however, that work is a maximum of 3 days a week.  This ex-boyfriend has agreed to cooperate with us and does he have some stories to tell.  I tell you, the woman is wacked.

Last week, the child lied about her mother not being home.  The mother is a very irresponsible person anyway.  I know that my SD gets herself ready for school while the mother is still in bed.  Probably from being out so late the night before... that's why the child is late all the time.  My husband thought he'd call the child on being home alone -- we can tell without asking, he just wanted to see if she would lie.  When she's home alone, she talks without hesitation and carries on a conversation.  When her mother's home, she gives very short answers and can't wait to get off the phone.  So, my husband had actually spoken with the ex-boyfriend to see if he would be willing to talk to our attorney early that evening.  He happened to call back around 9:30 pm just to let us know that our daughter was definitely home alone.  My husband called her around 9:45 pm and told her he needed to speak to her mother.  She came up with she's in the shower.  My husband said okay, I'll wait for her.  Then she stuttered again and said she'd stepped out of the house.  This went on for about five different excuses.  Finally my husband told her that he knew she was home alone (didn't tell her how he knew) and asked where her mother was.  She was out to dinner with a friend.  We got in the truck and began to travel the 1.5 hours to where they live -- just to see what time she would actually come in.  He told his daughter that he would keep calling until he knew the mother was home.  We stopped about 5 miles from their home to get gas and there were some officers in the parking lot.  We chatted with them and explained the situation -- AND THERE IS NOTHING TO DO EXCEPT REPORT TO THE DCF...

Anyway, finally at 11:50, the mother answered the phone so we turned around and headed home.

The mother is irresponsible.  She is dating a drunk.  And the child is left home alone with him too.  

The child does poorly in school because there is no one at all to supervise her homework or her assignments or to encourage her to follow the rules, listen to the teachers and get good grades.  When she's not with us, we can't force that to happen.  All we can do is continue to communicate with the school so they at least know we're interested.

Oh, and the charter school -- the mother ended up getting escorted off the school grounds because of a scene she created.  We know her to a tee -- and took bets on how long my SD would actually stay in that school.  And both of us were pretty darn close -- she lasted 3 months.

We have an A school (A for three years) just 2 miles away from us.  My husband works out of the house, and I work from 8 to 5.  That child is never left alone at our house except for every great once in a while... and that is when we get up early, I go to the grocery store and my husband goes to the gym... we both have our cell phones and are both generally back within 2 hours--before she even gets out of bed.  And I can't remember the last time we did that.  But we certainly would never go out to dinner until late at night while she sat at home for hours by herself.

Some people just amaze me.  And the court system amazes me more that we must go through this mumbo jumbo when there is a mile-wide line between our stable home and the mother's unstable lifestyle (moving all the time, changing schools without our knowledge, a list of live-ins, changing jobs all the time, a terrible driving record, etc., etc.).

[Troubledmom]

Tharper,
        Look into the school districts policies for absences and tardies. Generally somewhere around 10 unexcused there are legal consequences to either the child or the parent or both.
        This link has information on each states truancy laws. You may also check into step daughters district laws which may be stricter than the state laws. Additionaly you may want to look into DCFS's laws regarding Parental Educational Neglect.
         Although you may not want those agencies to interfer, having the codes/laws that cover what you are dealing with in the petition helps show the Judge there are legal ramifications to the child's educational neglect.

Good Luck
TM

[tharper001]

Unfortunately, we have had no luck whatsoever with the department that is supposed to protect our children.  In the six years that I have been with my husband, we have made reports to DCF regarding the child staying home alone, the child living in a house with a man of whom the mother had an active restraining order on, the child not doing well in school, etc...

WE HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED BY ONE OF THESE OFFICERS.  WE HAVE NEVER BEEN INTERVIEWED BY ANY OF THESE OFFICERS.  

We are told that if the parent feels the child is mature enough to stay home alone, then that is their call.  EXCUSE ME... DOESN'T THIS CHILD HAVE TWO PARENTS -- AND NOT JUST ONE!!!!!!!!

I believe that the truancy department will not get involved unless the absences are 10 days in a row.  The child has had 36 tardies/absences since November... that's averaging about once every 3 days.  I'm sorry, but I don't care what the district considers "excessive".  THIS IS EXCESSIVE AND INEXCUSABLE!  And I just talked to Truancy -- only absences can get someone into court.  The main problem with this child is her being late to school.

The courts and the schools are just about useless when it comes to a father trying to save his daughter's life.  I wonder if our court date at the end of June will actually make the mother undergo psychiatric evaluation.  With the documentation and information that we have on this mother, and with the witnesses that we can provide, they better make her undergo this evaluation.  My husband is willing to undergo any evaluation that he may need to so that it doesn't look like we're "picking" on the poor, single mother -- that is so rude and vulgar it's ridiculous.  We are just sooooo irritated with the courts and at how slow the process is.  That ought to be a crime in itself.  

Thanks for the info.  Good luck to you.

[StPaulieGirl]

That's pretty bad when the ex bf agrees to cooperate with you.  Is he honestly concerned, or does he have an axe to grind?

My concern is that there is someone in the neighborhood watching this go on.  I don't want to scare you, but there are maps you can look up on the internet showing if there are any convicted sex offenders in the area.  I debated with myself about answering this reply, but school could be your last worry.  Can she defend herself against crackheads looking for something to steal?  If the drunk bf is there, a criminal will think twice before trying to break in.  It's better than nothing.

When it comes down to succeeding in school, attitude is the most important part.  You can come from a bad home and make a great life for yourself.  Oprah did it.  Lots of people have.  It's attitude.  You can go to the worst schools in the state, and overcome bad teaching and enviroment.  Your stepdaughter's mother isn't doing her any favors by not taking an interest in her daughter's schoolwork.

From what you've been saying, she's better off with you.  One thing though, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink...

[tharper001]

I'm not quite sure why you're referring to the BF as having an axe to grind or being drunk.  Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

The biological father (my husband) absolutely has an axe to grind -- with the way his child is being raised, with the courts dragging their feet on such important issues, with the department that is supposed to protect children yet talks to him as though he is breaking the law by reporting that his child is home alone late at night... you're damn right he has an axe to grind... and every single right to grind it.  His daughter's life has been ripped away from her.  She has been placed in the middle by this despicable mother who thinks this is all about her.  You know what... that woman could walk out in front of a bus... and WE'D HAVE A PARTY!!!!!!  A BIG PARTY!!!!  Of course, we would never express this in front of the child, but that would be one celebrated day.  She is the most worthless human being I've ever met.  She attacks my husband, she is destroying her daughter and the courts continue to drag their feet.  

Yes, there's a sex offender living less than .03 miles from her house.  Yes, there are about 10 sex offenders living less than 5 miles from her house.  We've pulled all of that information.  We've pulled a lot of information, including sex offenders in our area -- none within 5 miles.  Including comparisons of the school she's attending, and the one she could be.  A parenting plan that my husband put together to show what we could do for the child.  A history of the living arrangements of the mother (too many to list, as well as jobs that she bounces to and from, and men, and schools attended by the child), compared to my husband's history of the same time frame.

ONE PROBLEM -- It has yet to get in front of a judge, it has yet to be sent to the General Master... our attorney is very, very good -- but this court system SUCKS!  We have so much information it is unbelievable... but it doesn't do a damn bit of good stuck in our filing box at the attorney's office.  We have three courts dates coming up in June... not one has to do with custody -- and our attorney has been working on it for almost two years.  One does have to do with my husband's request to force the mother to have a psychiatric evaluation... wonder what will happen there!  Probably will get a liberal judge.  Poor single mother... oh poor single mother -- I have seen what this woman has done to this child over six years... my husband has watched it for close to 12... it's time he shows what he can do as a full time parent, and hopefully there's still time to save this poor child.  If we don't get her soon... there is absolutely NO HOPE.  She will grow to be just like her mother -- have nothing to show for almost 40 years on this planet, have abusive relationships, probably get into drug use, or become pregnant very early, continue to disrespect others from teachers to her peers, etc.... God help us if we don't get this child away from this poor excuse of a mother.

[nikilax]

I think the prior poster was referring to the BM's ex boyfriend that you mentioned was willing to testify for you.

And then the poster was saying that if there are menaces around, BM's current BF being in the house is better than nothing even if he is drunk.

[tharper001]

Oh, I mistook BF for biological father, not boyfriend.  And yes, someone around is better than nothing -- but who knows if this guy would molest my stepdaughter.

And I can assure everyone... this woman has a history of public disturbance and domestic violence that is documented.  There is only one common denominator associated with her years and years of these types of relationships.

She is the type of woman that will push and push and push until finally the other person will just snap.  Or... she will go into such fits of rage, that she becomes dangerous to whomever is in the room.  I completely believe the ex-boyfriend... I completely believe that he was trying to keep her from hitting him and he was having to restrain her so hard that it bruised her.  My husband has had to restrain her before -- like the time she put her hands through a window in a fit of rage and was bleeding like crazy... he had to jump on top of her and try to get her to quit moving around... then she claimed he was trying to choke her... Although -- I'm really surprised he was not.

She's been thrown down the stairs by a deputy sheriff before that was her boyfriend at one time.  My husband did slap her one time -- there is nothing on file, but I don't blame him at all.  He has never even come close to striking me or even making me think that he would do something like that.  And she is the only one he ever did that to.  She is the type of woman that will not stop -- she will scream and cuss and throw things and will continue until she gets a response, then turns it around.  That is her M.O. and has been for many, many years.  And as far as I'm concerned, if a man hits her, she absolutely deserves it.  And for those bleeding hearts out there that don't think women should be hit -- there are some out there that deserve it.  And she is one of those.  Believe me... I am amazed there are people in this world like her.  In my 32 years on this planet, I have always gotten along with people, I have always made friends, I have never been treated with anything other than respect.  She has been in my face numerous times (I offered to take the child to the dentist one time and she got in my face at a soccer game--not anything she should have been upset about).  She is irresponsible, she has a nasty attitude, she screams and yells and cusses unlike anything I've ever heard... she is just an all around failure and loser of a mother.  And I can't wait until she has to face her lies in court -- it's long in waiting, but will be well worth it if we ever get into court.

[StPaulieGirl]

Didn't you say that he's willing to help you both?  I just wondered if he had any real information, or if he wanted to get even.  That's what I meant by the ex bf having an axe to grind.  I wasn't referring to your husband.

Of course your husband has every right to be angry.  I don't blame you for wishing her dead.  Instead of a bus, may I recommend an 18 wheeler?  lol!

You've both done your homework and that's good.  This is a dangerous world these days, no matter how careful a parent can be.  

I don't want to be negative but from my experience, a child's character is formed very early in life.  I have 4 kids ranging from 24 through 9.  They have the same father.  I was married to him for 19 years.  There are days when I want to ship the two youngest ones off to their father, and run away, change my name and leave no forwarding address.  The two oldest ones are still doing the sibling rivalry thing, even though they're in their early twenties!  I have enough crap to deal with without fielding phone calls from both girls bitching about each other to me.

My 9 yr old missed out on all the "good stuff".  Daddy knew I was trying to get away, so he made her his little princess.  The older kids then turned on her, but then would be nice to her the next minute.  She and her brother are completely passive aggressive to the point of stupidity.  You my dear, are in for a world of chaos should you win custody.  12 yrs old is late in the ball game.  Say prayers, sometimes it works, sometimes God has a different plan.  Personally, I'm about prayered out...

[tharper001]

See, I mistook bf for biological father and not boyfriend.  I'm sorry for the confusion.  I did not go back to the entire postings... just copied the link and responded that way.

Tell me about it... 12 is way late in the game.  It's so unbelievable how this little girl at age 6 that I knew has changed so drastically (for the worse) in 6 years.  Now... don't get me wrong.  She comes over to our house for visitation and is fine.  We simply try to let her be a kid... sometimes I think too much, but we don't talk about things going on... we simply do things together and let her have some fun -- God only knows what she is dealing with at home.

It will be a whole different ball game if we do get her.  We will be exhausted just simply trying to keep up with the family counseling that we will do, with the tutoring programs that she will be involved in and then, once she improves her grades and study habits, we will get her involved again with sports and those types of activities.  She's not going to like it one bit -- coming home and doing homework before anything else.  And there will be a limit on TV and game playing.  Hopefully between the counseling and the tutoring, we can work on her respect issues and her social skills a little.  I'm hoping with time, she will come to see she doesn't need to take the defense role anymore because she will be in a stable environment -- and this should help in her social skills.  We will also work on her weight -- she's a big, chunky girl for her age.  She's going through that awkard stage, but is starting to grow tall.  Since we will actually be there to supervise her, we can make sure she eats healthy and stays active so she can slim down and won't be made fun of.  

My husband should know that I love him a whole lot... because if I didn't, I would never have stuck around for this B.S.  If I would have known the whole situation, I never would have fallen in love with him in the first place.  Should have listened to my mother about dating men with children!  Although I wouldn't trade my husband for the moon or the stars!

I also hope that my husband and I can have children, and I believe that will help his daughter with her transition.  We should begin trying again within the next few months--miscarriage a year ago... Then we can truly show her how families should be and how being responsible and respectable can only lead you in the right directions.

[StPaulieGirl]

That's ok, no problem.

You've got your work cut out for you, that's for sure.  If I may make a suggestion, don't pile on too much at first.  Just get her schoolwork back on track.  Counseling was a joke for us, however you might have better luck than I did.  My kids played the doctors.  

The weight thing is tricky.  Either the girl just sits around eating junk food and doesn't exercise, or she's doing it for attention.  I went nuts when my 24 and 21 yr old girls were teenagers.  The older one was anorexic, and the younger one ate to excess.  I read that it is a sign that the child doesn't feel that he/she has any control over their enviroment.  The one thing that they feel that they can control is what goes into their stomach.  I used to put my ear up to the bathroom door to make sure the oldest wasn't vomiting.  She exercised like 4 times a day and was a size 2.  The younger one would hide food in her dresser drawers.  I found out tracking the ant trails :-(  Personally, I would let your SD have her goodies, but get her out bike riding and roller skating, etc.  Making an issue of it is a fatal mistake.  Lol, I learned the hard way.

Your husband is a lucky guy.  I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but don't get discouraged.  You'll have your baby.  

The reason I'm up so late is that I'm still spitting nails over a situation.  My 21 yr old and her bf set me up with a neighbor.  We hit it off great.  Ever since then (October), they've been undermining us to each other.  That's why I'm up so late.  He and I talked on the phone for 3 hours comparing notes.  He's on permanent disability.  His kids receive disability payments, but he tries to do odd jobs and send money to his kids.  He's been helping my girl's bf customize his truck.  He hasn't seen a dime, but they're bitching about my friend staying for dinner.

He's done with it.  He apparently got burned on a car he purchased on Ebay.  The guy who was going to haul it back here, called my friend up and told him that not only were the brakes not rebuilt, but the car was in such bad condition that it should be scrapped.  It's a 59 something or other.  Huge beast.  His girl turns 18 in 3 yrs, and that is supposed to be her birthday present.  I looked up phone numbers for the Indiana attorney general for him, but I guess they don't have phones.  I did find a number for general info, so he's calling that tomorrow. He did get a lead on a civil attorney in that state.  His daughter doesn't know yet.

My daughter's bf thinks it's going to be payday when my mom's will gets probated.  They can think again.  That's their attitude.  My friend did approximately 5k worth of body work on this guy's truck.  No money.  He's worked on his brother's truck.  No money.  We went up and spent a couple of days up there.  We don't smoke in the house, so I went and sat in my girl's car with her, and had a cigarette.  All she did was bitch about my friend and how lazy he is.  It was not a pleasant weekend.

I wish it would get better, but the only person I can change is myself.  All you and your husband can do is set basic ground rules and present a united front.  Be flexible, but know when to take a stand.  I hope she appreciates how much you both care for her.