Step Child Aggressive

[momx3stepx1]

My Step child is 9 years old and spends 30 to 40% of the time in our home.

I have one older child 15years old and My husband and I have a 3yr old and a 4yr old together.

My Stepchild is very aggressive. She has been suspended every year in school..1st,2nd 3rd and in the 4th grade.. already suspended twice from after school care and it's just Sept.

Each time SC is suspended it's because of aggression to other children, hitting- fighting, or aggression towards teachers, yelling disrespecting and running away.


My Step Child also shows aggression towards our  children.
When SC was younger she use to hit my oldest, we tired everything to get SC to stop. Time outs, grounding ect... It's when my oldest finally had enough of SC hitting, My oldest hit back.
I do not condone violence in our home, but needless to say SC never hit my oldest again.

When our younger children came along, SC started to hit and hurt them.
With the huge age difference you can't expect the youngest to defend themselves.
I NEVER leave SC alone in a room with the two youngest two. SC still hurts the youngest right in front of me and tries to deny it, even though I saw it with my own eyes. (pushing, biting, throwing things at them breaking their toys)

We spoke with Biomom about this behavior, But it's never SC fault and never takes responsibility for her actions.

 We tried counseling numerous of times. SC won't talk.
Counselors all say the same, that unless their is consistency in both homes with discipline & rules,,, then SC behavior will not change.

Biomom will not work with us, but rather place blame and make excuses.

I'm stuck between protecting my younger two and caring for SC.
Sibling abuse is unacceptable and we can't get SC to stop.

We do believe there is some sort of domestic abuse with BioMom and StepDad. But can not prove it.


Any Suggestions?

[Sherry1]

behavior disorders.  I do not agree that the *only* thing that will improve the child is consistency in both homes.  Yes, consisitency will help but there are a lot of children of divorce that have inconsistent parenting styles and all these kids don't get suspended nor do they all have tantrums and violent tendencies.

The child needs to be seen by a child psychologist, not a "School counselor", but a full blown Ph.D. I would suspect the child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and possibly ADHD.  


http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

[momx3stepx1]

I have been saying, I think she has O.D.D. for the longest time. I read a book on it. She shows many signs of O.D.D.

ADHD is a very good possibility, she is a very hyper child. (Very intelligent also)

Unfortunately Bio-mom does not believe in psychologist and it was like pulling teeth before we could get SC in to see a family counselor.

I mentioned SC seeing a psychologist recently, but Bio-mom refuses.

My husband is the non custodial parent and can not make the appointment to take SC in to see a psychologist.
 Even if we did go behind Bio-mom's back and do so. Any treatments &/or medication will be refused by Biomom.

Until steps are taking in the right direction by Bio-Mom
What can we do in our home to protect our youngest?
It's exhausting and I'm concerned about my youngest, I may not have the power or control to help SC, but I certainly can protect my youngest from further aggression by their older sibling.

I would hate to cut back on visitation with SC, What other options do we have???

[Sherry1]

that this child will no longer be coming to your house unless she starts seeing a professional.  That would force her time with the child to be 100% parent and she might see how bad the kid is.  

Personally, since other children are involved, I think you and your DH need to cut off visitation until BM wants to cooperate.

My YSS is diagnosed with severe ADHD, ODD & Separation Anxiety.  I know how bad it can be.

[momx3stepx1]

We did do that at one time, refused visitation, to get Bio-mom to agree to letting SC to see a counselor when she was with us.
SC was hurting our youngest on a consistent basis. Now SC is getting sneaking about it.

Hate to do it, but it looks like we may have to do it again. Refuse visitation until SC sees a psychologist.
We love SC very much but she needs help with her anger. Our insurance covers it.

Bio-mom does not have any other children, so she does not see the aggression first hand towards other children. Even though it happens at school, Bio-mom says it's never SC fault.

Bio-mom will eventually comply, Having SC 100% of the time will interfere in her social life.

Thank You..
 If anyone else has any other ideas, I am open to anything right now.

[Sherry1]

officials notifed BM that they would no longer educate him or allow him to school unless he saw a psychologist and the entire family was required to have family counseling.  It might come to something like this for your SD.  I still don't think my DH's ex really got a full taste of how bad YSS was until he committed juvenile felony at age 11.

[momx3stepx1]

unfortunately,
 I think that's what it is going to take for BM  to wake up and smell the coffee.

The school hasn't been much help. BM makes up excuses why SD is acting this way and all is forgiven

She's in the 4th grade now, It will get worse in her teen years if something isn't done soon.

Thank You Again!

[Kitty C.]

1.  Even if the school is spineless and refuses to do anything about the situation, it's VERY possible that your SC could cross the line some time and seriously hurt another child.  If that were to happen, there's a strong possibility that your DH and the BM could face a hefty lawsuit from that child's parents.

2.  The school might finally grow some cajones and expel her from school.  If that were to happen, there's a possibility that the ONLY way to educate her would be through homeschooling.  Since transcripts have to be transferred from school to school, any school you would attempt to enroll her in would be smart to refuse her based on the expulsion.

3.  If she were to seriously hurt someone, be it at home or school, you can count on law enforcement and DHS getting involved and the first thing they'd do is put her in a juvenile detention facility.  Hopefully while there, they would do a full psychiatric work-up and realize that this child needs serious residential treatment.  Given her age and depending on the seriousness of the crime and depth of treatment needed, she might be gone for 2-3 years.

These are some scenarios I would strongly recommend you pose to the BM.  Sticking her head in the sand will only cause more harm to her child.   One other thing to consider is that if the school won't lift a finger, go up the ladder, all the way to the superintendent and school atty. if you need to.  Also, look into the district's policies on violence and see if any 'infractions' she already been in qualify.  The school personnel are not just there to teach, they're there to protect, too.  They're ALL mandatory reporters and it sounds to me like they may be breaking the law themselves by not reporting this.

One other thing to consider..........given all the info you've given us, I would venture to say that this child is in dire need of intensive residential treatment.  But to pay for it out of pocket is prohibitive, unless you have a money tree in your backyard.  BT, DT, and will be paying a $25,000 loan for a 2 month wilderness therapy program for the next 20 years.  For a one to two year program, it could cost upwards to $75,000 to $100,000 or more.

If she ends up in the legal system, and through evaluation, if they recommend residential treatment, the STATE will pay for it.  But you really don't get a choice on where she would go and it would stay in state (unless the critical help she needs is not offered in ANY state facility, which hardly ever happens).  The tough part about getting into the legal system is that it's so overwhelmed, she may be in detention for quite a while (possibly months) while waiting for a bed in the proper facility to open up.

And if you're wondering, I've researched much of this out of necessity and have been through the entire juvenile legal system, includling residential treatment.  If you have any further questions about it, I'd be happy to help.

[Sherry1]

While in BM's care, YSS (11) was involved in a Juvenile Felony with another 11yo.  The damage they incurred was $7,000.  BM and the other parent were court ordered to each pay back $3,500 which equated to about $300/per month.  In addition, BM was required to pay about $100/mo for his probation fees.  This happened in Arizona and Arizona will only hold the parent that was in control of and or had custody of the child.  DH who lived in another state wasn't held financially accountable (thank goodness).  We knew YSS was fully capable of this type of behavior.

Now, YSS lives with us and he has matured some, however, he is still very capable of breaking the law again. However, this time he will be 17 in December and he will be held accountable for his actions.  If he breaks the law again it will be his 3rd time and he will be tried as an adult, and he is very aware of this.

[momx3stepx1]

I fully understand that if SD hurts someone There could be a law suit.
Dh and I have years, not months of efforts on our part trying to help SD.

We've , not BM, has put SD into counseling. But BM has hindered all efforts to get SD the help she needs. We have numerous emails to prove this.

Every effort we make though the schools or legal courts, BM claims DH is just doing this to gain custody and  to not pay child support.

Since SD was 3 years old she has been an aggressive child.
Are hands are tied and I HAVE to look out for the best interest of my two little ones. They are MY main priority. I am scared my little ones are the ones who will be seriously injured if this continues.

My Dh is the NCP and his hands are tied. We exhausted every avenue.

If BM is faced with some serious consequences, then maybe something will finally be done to help SD.
I truly fear SD teenage years if something doesn't happen soon.

Thanks for you insight.