Step Child Aggressive

[Sherry1]

A lot of states holds both parents accountable for damage or injury instilled by their child.  DH was just lucky because YSS lived in a different state and their laws were that only BM could be held accountable.  If you have the child 30-40% of the time you are exposing your own liability.

[lucky]

I've been in Kitty's shoes too AND if the state steps in and removes the child from her mother's care, they MAY try to place the child with you - and you will NEED to have your research done to ensure that the court, DHS, and whomever else understands that the best situation for the child is treatment - NOT FOSTER CARE.  Foster care isn't for kids like this although many social workers, probation officers and judges like to go that route - it's cheaper.

And as for finances, in MN, the parents (CP & NCP depending upon ability to pay - and they seem to think EVERYONE has money to throw around) have to pay the placing county child support unless their insurance covers the program the child is placed in.  Even then they tried to force me to complete the financial evaluation form so they could determine what MY portion would be - my insurance covered 100% at the time.  I was even threatened with being taken to court because I refused to comply - that's how badly they wanted my money, even though the county wasn't paying a dime.  Turned out they'd put her on medical assistance without my knowledge and wanted me to pay for that.  I told them she had coverage through me and I was paying co-pays and my attorney would be calling them.  Never heard another word.

Be careful of DHS if it ends up there.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Kitty C.]

Then you're only option is to stop ALL visitation until the BM agrees that the child needs serious help.  It is the ONLY way to truely protect your children.

You haven't mentioned what state you're in, and Lucky's word of warning regarding how her state and county handled their situation should be seriously considered.  One thing we found in our situation is that funding cuts in our state have severely limited what DHS can now do without a juvenile delinquency order.  I literally told DS's probation officer that if I knew 5 years ago what it would take to get help for him, I would have told him to break the law back then.  She didn't bat an eye, because she knew I was telling the truth.

Counseling will never work for this child.  She needs intensive treatment from pediatric psychologists or psychiatrists...a professional who is specifically trained and educated in her specific needs. This is WAY beyond the scope of practice for a counselor or therapist.

As for cutting off all visitation, I would recommend that this ONLY pertain to your home and around you and your children.  I think that your DH should still have some contact with her, even if it's only to take her out to dinner or spend a few hours with her at a park or zoo.  It could do more harm than good for her to be cut off completely from her father.

As for the school, you can still push there, and hard.  Like I mentioned before, go up the ladder if you have to.  If the principal of her school refuses to acknowledge the situation, go to his superior, most commonly the superintendent.  If he/she won't listen, demand another meeting with him/her AND the district's atty.  If that doesn't get a response (and I would be amazed if it didn't), go to the school board.  After that, the state Board of Education.  Keep moving up each rung until you are ABSOLUTELY positive you've run out of ladder.

Something else to consider, tho it may seems 'way out there':  write a letter to Dr. Phil.  You never know what might happen and if he were to get involved, you know it would be completely paid for and she would have the best in the nation to help her.  Write as many letters as it takes to get a response.  As the old saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  And this goes for anyone you try to get involved.  Be cordial and diplomatic, but hound the hell outta them until they give you some answers!

I emphasize this so much because what you've described is a child who is crying out in pain.  She's screaming for help in the only way she knows how and no one is listening to her.  If she doesn't get help now, you have every right to be horribly afraid for her future.  With what I've been thru with DS, I've seen some of that, and it's VERY scary.  Refuse to take no for an answer from anyone.  If any person or entity tells you they cannot help, demand to know where to go next.  Go to you state legislator if you have to.  One thing I have found out for a fact:  you NEVER know and can be very surprised where resources and answers can come from.   It can come from the most unlikely of places, so don't ever discount anything.  But above all else, keep trying and pushing forward.  Your SC's life just might depend on it.............

[dsm]

And I'm going to back up just a bit more.....


In I think your first post you state that this child is with you 30-40% of the time.  Does your DH share legal custody with the mom?  If so, here's what I would do.  From another post you state your insurance covers 100% of the cost for evaluation, counseling, etc.  I would take the school records and make an emergency appointment with a coverage psychologist - not tied to the school.  I would notify BM of the appointment and state that in light of the past 4+years' events and continued episodes you are getting this child some help.  

BM may fight you on it, but your DH has as much right as she does to make decisions for the child's best interest.  So do that.  And then schedule followup appointments on your time.  If the psychologist recommends an in-patient program, notify BM of such, and be sure to keep things open-door so that she always has the option to contact the psychologist.  And then, get her some help.

What you describe is reminiscent of my older brother and how he reacts to me and my little brother.  .... it was ugly - ugly - ugly when we were kids.  He was extremely abusive to us (dumped a vaporizer over my little brother when he was 2 or 3 which he still has a burn scar from some 30 years later; broke my leg when I was in 5th grade...list goes on).  The state got involved in the situation with my brother....  that was not pretty.  And I would not wish that on anyone.  My parents didn't have insurance back then that would cover psychological treatment and I guess alot of other issues that they didn't share with us.  Just be careful if DHS ends up in the scenario.   Your other kids could be removed from you as well - at least while their initial reports are completed.

Keep your documents together and know who and what you're up against.  Education is the best way for that to happen.  

Good luck!!!

==============================================================================

dsm - 36; DH - 40; SD - 18; LO - 11; BB - 4
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

[Sherry1]

but he did it.  He isn't 100% there, but it took him wanting to change and the best child psychologist in the city to help him work through it.  He will be 17 in December.  He has spent time in juvie and if he breaks the law again it will be his third strike and he will be tried as an adult.  These kids can change, but it is NOT easy.

[Kitty C.]

I just read the next week's list of shows on Dr. Phil.  I HIGHLY recommend you watch the show this coming Wednesday called 'Cranky Kids'.  On Dr. Phil.com, it has a description of the show, which may give you some insight on what it's about.  It's very possible that there may be some avenues for resources from that show.........remember what I said about resources coming from unlikely places?  If you can't be home for the show, tape it or have someone you know tape it.  If that's not possible, once Wednesday hits, you can access the gist of the show from the website.

[momx3stepx1]

Thank You ....for everyone's advice.
 We live in Nebraska.
DH can only take his daughter in for emergency medical treatment and has to notify BM immediately.

We went through a program before that covered 100% of  counseling. Not a psychologist. We have to get everything pre approved for that through the insurance and only a certain number of visits are covered.
there is out of pocket expenses for this as well.

Which is no problem..but we have to get it pre approved for her to even see a psychologist. therefore making it not an emergency.

Luckily SD has not done anything serious, like you mentioned above.
Right now she's aggressive and a bully.

I will defiantly keep after the school.


I have kept years of documentation...Just in case!

Dh & I have made plans to spend time with SD with out the other kids.
Until we can get her in to see a psychologist or get something done through the school.

[mistoffolees]

I mostly concur with the comments already offered - with just a few caveats.

First, I wouldn't simply refuse visitation. Rather, I would sit down with SS and explain that you really want him to come to your house, but that his behavior does not meet with your expectations. Then lay out the rules very clearly - possibly written down so he can see them as well as hear them (for many kids, getting a message only by voice doesn't work very well).  Then, whe he acts up, tell him it's time to go back to BM and cite the specific rule he has violated. Then let him come again next time. Go through the process a few time before giving up and banning him entirely.

This does several things. Most importantly, it tells him that he's loved and you want him, but that you have standards of behavior that everyone has to meet (I'm assuming, of course, that no one else in the house - including parents - is allowed to hit someone). He is more likely to learn appropriate behavior from this process than from simply being banned until he seeks counseling. Note another important side effect - if you ban him until he sees a counselor, that seems like punishment and will greatly reduce the risk of success. Rather if you tie his opportunity to visit you to his behavior, you focus the attention on the behavior - and the counseling is a tool you're offering him to help.

This is one where I disagree with the counselors you talked with. Kids are very flexible and can typically understand that different houses have different rules. As long as you're 100% consistent and don't accept violence - EVER - then he should be able to understand that he's not allowed to do it at your house. He'll still be trouble at school and his mother's house, but one step at a time....

I would consider (probably in consultation with your attorney) simply taking him to a counselor and stating that you believe that his behavior puts him in serious danger of harm to himself or others and it is therefore covered by the 'emergency medical care' portion of your agreement. I find it hard to believe that a court would punish you for seeking counseling for a kid who's violent and has had so many problems. Again, see your attorney first, but I don't see this as a huge risk.

Finally, I would notify the school and mother in writing (possibly a letter from your attorney) that you believe the child could harm himself or others and that you believe he needs counseling but that you are unable to do that because of your divorce decree. This might accomplish two things. First, the school's attorney may see it and decide that they can't take the risk of the kid hurting someone when there's a written document on file warning them. Second, it might help to reduce your risk of liability if he does hurt someone and you get sued (I'm not sure it changes the legal liability, but it would undoubtedly soften up any jury).

One last option you have is to petition the court for counseling orders. If you explain the multiple suspensions, violent behavior, and so on, I'd say there's a very good chance that the court would order it.

Good luck.

[momx3stepx1]

We have done the counseling with SD. She was in counseling for over 6 months and would never talk to the counselor.

There is, we think , no proof, Domestic violence at BM's house. None here.
Hurting yourself or others is not allowed in our home.

We have been doing what you suggested Below.

First, I wouldn't simply refuse visitation. Rather, I would sit down with SS and explain that you really want him to come to your house, but that his behavior does not meet with your expectations. Then lay out the rules very clearly - possibly written down so he can see them as well as hear them (for many kids, getting a message only by voice doesn't work very well). Then, whe he acts up, tell him it's time to go back to BM and cite the specific rule he has violated. Then let him come again next time. Go through the process a few time before giving up and banning him entirely.

The problem with this is BM will refuse to take SD when she has hurt her younger siblings. She won't answer her phone or say she is too busy to take SD.

I think a Psychologist is our only option right now. BM will not agree to it.
SD has soo much anger and I believe a lot of PAS. BM tells SD that we love the younger two more than her
and a lot of other junk.

I think we are going to have to cut back on visitation until BM agrees to professional intervention.