Welcome to SPARC Forums. Please login or sign up.

Jun 15, 2024, 04:34:34 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Christmas is CANCELLED????

Started by 1angrystepmom, Dec 03, 2003, 04:33:17 AM

Previous topic - Next topic


Christmas Is Cancelled

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was p*ssed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've busted my *ss for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady b*tches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those *ssholes frommIRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't d*mn funny.
Who the h*ll ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ... Those mean little sh*ts.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.

Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat *ss and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year...
now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!!!!

Author Unknown!



H.R. Green Jr.

Twas the night before Christmas, but deep in his heart.
Was a cold empty feeling that would not depart.

He partied and drank with his friends all that night,
But nothing could fill the void in his life.

With his head in his hands, and tears in his eyes,
He knew he'd been betrayed, by the world and it's lies.

'Eat!, drink!, and be merry!, you'll be satisfied', they said.
"But why am I feeling that I wish I were dead?"

"Did I miss something somewhere, another drug I must take?"
Or has all my life just been one big mistake?"

"I've tried it all and found nothing with a purpose or gain,
Just guilt and despair from life's wicked game"!

With a bitter wale of rage, he stormed 'cross the room,
Pulling open a drawer in his misery and gloom.

A revolver lay gleaming, loaded and ready,
With it firmly in grasp, he tried to hold his hand steady.

As he raised the cold barrel, to the side of his head,
He knew in a moment, he soon would be dead.

When out in the yard, there arose a great swell,
That sounded like the ringing of the old Church bell!

The voices of singing and laughing were heard,
Glowing lanterns in hand, through the snow as they stirred.

The songs that they sang, spoke of hope and great cheer,
Like angels from Heaven with a message so clear!

Away to the window, he flew in a flash,
He slid back the curtains and pushed up the glass!

And there on the ground, in the fresh fallen snow,
Stood the happiest group, with faces aglow.

'Merry Christmas!", they shouted, to the young man above,
The LORD sent us to cheer you, and to tell you of His LOVE!

How JESUS came down, to this world here below,
To die on the cross for our sins and our woe.

How HE rose from the dead, and is seated on HIS throne,
Offering you HIS FREE GIFT, and a new heavenly home!

God will SAVE YOU from hell, you won't suffer loss,
Every sin washed away, by the BLOOD of HIS cross!

Won't you CALL ON HIS NAME?, for that is your part,
Believing on JESUS, He will come into YOUR HEART!

They sang a sweet hymn, of that Christmas long ago,
When the SAVIOR was born in a manger so low.

He watched their warm smiles, as he sank to his knees,
His cold heart was melting, and craving for PEACE!

He bowed down his head, and let go of the gun.
And prayed to receive the LORD JESUS, GOD'S SON.

The weight he once bore, was moved from it's place,
He stood to his feet with great JOY on his face!

Thank you!", he said, "I've been searching so long,
For the PEACE I now have as you sang your song!"

Kitty C.

Cuz the tears that are fallin' will short this one out VERY soon............

Thank you, Father Time.  It means more to me than you could EVER know.........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......


That was beautiful.  Thank you.


`Twas the night before Christmas, cold, dark and foreboding, As I sat at the work bench, quite busy reloading. The empties from autumn were polished so clear For primers and powder, and bullets from Speer

And Hornady's soft-points, and Nosler's Partitions (MY bench ain't no place for brand name omissions!) All sat in their boxes, right next to the press With dies from Pacific, and RCBS

When all of a sudden there came such a jolt, I grabbed for my Mossberg, and whipped out my Colt. As I spilled Hodgdon's powder all over the shelf I scrambled for cover, just to protect myself

From up on the rooftop, came hoofbeats and snorting Like the noise out of L'il Rock, from Clinton's cavorting! I eased off the safety, to press-check my auto With 230-hardball, I'd knock 'em all blotto

Were these rogue federal agents, sent by Schumer and Reno? Or a staggering Ted Kennedy, in bad need of Beano? My question was answered with a knock, and some sneezing, "It's Santa, you moron, lemme in there, I'm freezing!"

I flipped off the dead-bolt and threw the door wide, To find St. Nick a'shivvering, Rudolph by his side He eyeballed my Springfield, with a nod of approval "You're all set," he said, "for dirtball removal."

"But this is no raid, we're not here to harm you Or persecute, prosecute or even disarm you" Instead, said dear Santa, he needed to borrow My .357, 'till day after tomorrow

"It's okay," he assured me, with a hint of frustration. "I'm enrolled in the National Rifle Association" He showed me his card, 'twas a Life Member rating "I've had this since me and the missus were dating!"

"And you see, Dave ol' buddy, I've gotten real nervous "Since Feinstein was elected, with a promise to serve us "So henceforth as I'm out there, my presents a'stackin' "I want to assure you, I'm legally packin'

"And my gift for you this year, should give you a hoot "I've told the Supreme Court to give Brady the boot! "Now, Rudy and I must be on our way" He said, as he climbed back on the seat of his sleigh

With the reins in his hand, and my Smith in his pocket He jingled the sleighbells and was off like a rocket With a pair of speedloaders, and ammo to spare I knew he'd be safe, he was loaded for bear

As he faded from view, I could still hear him calling "From D.C., where 'P.C.' is already falling "To bad guys in L.A., Detroit and Atlanta "I'm licensed to carry. Don't be messin' with Santa!"


. . . and then, The Sequel . . .
'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
He was looking quite happy, all trim and sunburned
His sleigh had been emptied, and I'll bet you're all guessin'
If he did the same thing to his borrowed Smith & Wesson

Well the fact of the matter is in need of reporting,
Like the press oughta do about Clinton's cavorting!
Seems Santa encountered some trouble 'long the way,
'Cause some not-too-bright dirtbags tried to hijack his sleigh

When he left Christmas Eve, he was ready for action
And he made real good time, thanks to reindeer hoof traction
He had rag dolls, and capguns, baseballs and bats.
New dresses, toy airplanes, and a few dogs and cats.

Seems these wannabe grinches thought they were hot shooters
So's a bunch of 'em tried to be Christmas gift looters
But the one thing they hadn't expected to meet
Was a licensed St. Nick, packin' full magnum heat.

The night was still young, when these dipwits appeared
Their caps all turned backwards; at least one had a beard.
They were trying to look vicious, as they stood in his path
He could tell in an instant that they needed a bath

One fool made a grab for Comet and Cupid,
But froze when St. Nick had yelled "Hold it, there, stupid!"
When he leveled my sixgun at this crazy-eyed fellow
The snow at his feet turned a pale shade of yellow

"It was over real quick," Santa said with a chuckle
As he hauled out my Smith from behind his belt buckle
"Never fired a shot, never pulled back the hammer
"Got the cops on my cell phone, and sent 'em all to the slammer"

After that much excitement, 'twas a rest Santa needed
So with his gift-giving, he quickly proceeded
And when he was finished, Santa issued this order:
"Rudolph, old pal, take us south of the border!"

So now he was rested, and this stop was his last one
And he made it real clear, that it must be a fast one
With my piece back in lockup, he said "Thanks for the loan
"Next year, rest assured, I'll be packin' my own"

And just what, did I wonder, might then Santa unlimber?
A Colt, Sig or Taurus, a Glock or a Kimber?
Perhaps Heckler & Koch, a Kahr or a Ruger?
A wheelgun from Rossi, a Walther or Luger?

"I'm not sure," replied Santa, as he scoped out the weather,
"But I'll contact your buddy, Mitch Rosen, for leather.
"And now, I must leave you, until late next December
"But Dave, I assure you, I will always remember

"You did me a favor, and that's one I owe you
"So when I get my own gat, I'll be certain to show you
"In the meantime, ol' buddy, I'll scream it, I'll shout it
"If you're licensed to carry, don't you leave home without it!"