A bit of help needed.......

[Indigo Mom]

What can a parent do to prevent the other parent from lying about what's "really" going on???

My daughters father has never been a constant in her life (5 years now), our court file is HUGE with new parenting schedules to "suit" his every whim, he just won't be in her life longer than a week or two.  He bails, only to come back months...now a year later blaming me for not allowing him to see his "precious baby girl" the prior few months...or year, as just happened.  He doesn't bother calling, doesn't bother showing up...no one knows where he is...but I get blamed.

He's never taken me to court for contempt, he refuses.  Gee, I wonder why.  I'm NOT denying him diddly squat, never have.  I don't have to.  How can one deny another parenting time when they just don't bother showing up?  It's impossible.  

So, he's reduced this case to "meetings" in a therapists office.  So far, there have been 2 with lil miss.  (we had 51/49 custody at the break up)

Last Wednesday (not this week, but last) he called the GAL hooting and hollering that he wants to be able to call lil miss.  (for 2 years, before this therapist thing...he's had UNlimited supervised parenting time, and UNlimited phone calls...he didn't do any of it).  The GAL said that starting next Wednesday (2 days ago) he can call lil miss between the hours of 1 and 130pm.  The ONLY request I had was that they're done by 150pm so I can get lil miss ready to go pick her brother up from school.  (we have a half hour walk to the school)

He didn't call Wednesday.  What he did do, however, was call the therapist crying that, ONCE AGAIN, I denied him his "wonderful little baby girl".  He didn't call!  He did NOT!!!! The therapist called me up ANGRY because I didn't allow that phone call.  I told him he didn't call, that this is TYPICAL of him, and that I'm tired of being blamed for him messing up!

We get to "try" again next Wednesday, but if I don't allow the call...we're going to have issues.  Damn straight we're gonna have issues, I don't know how long I can keep myself from going off sideways!

So...WTF can I do?  For 5 years I've been blamed for not allowing him contact with his daughter.  The GAL isn't falling for it, she's accomodated his every whim, now she's done with it.  I'm not denying him anything...he chooses NOT to call or see her.  Is there ANYTHING I can do to prove I'm just here living my life not denying anything????  Or am I just a sitting duck, as I have been for her entire life???  

Is there ANY way to stop someone from dicking the other parent around?  I can't stand this crap anymore.

[joni]

if they only put their efforts into good and not evil, their life would be so much better.  The effort it takes to be evil is ten fold of that to be good.

That being said, I wonder....is there a way for you to have the phone company give you a record of every incoming and outgoing call?  I think you have to request this special.  But at least, that would provide you with proof that he didn't call you.  

Other than that...it's just your good word against a sociopaths....

[Davy]

Indy... Dearest... I bet ya just need some encouragement !  That's OK because you're OK !  

Anyway here's some considerations :

1) continue to live peacefully ignoring the intrusions

2) notify GAL that you are transfering calls to the GAL phone during that time frame  

3) invite GAL for coffee during that time frame

I'd choose #1, #2 and #3 ... all at the same time and just blow it off.
At 1:31 if a message has been left on the GAL's phone, pour another cup of coffee, light a cig then call back.

[jilly]

Even though your daughter is 5 years old have they not thought to ask her?  She's old enough to know the sound of a telephone when rings I'm sure!  Heck, my DD is 21 months old and she'll grab the cordless phone in a heartbeat and walk around with it pretending to talk to someone! Is she aware of the times the psychoman was SUPPOSED to come see her but never showed up? I know that they usually don't take in to account anything from a child as young as your daughter but at this point it just seems like the obvious thing to do. Of course, there's always the possibility that psychoman will vow and declare that you told your DD to say those things.  It's really tough when you've got to do the he said/she said dance. If the therapist ya'll are going to is worth his/her salt then he/she should be able to eventually see psychoman's true colors. Good luck to you!

[Davy]

"if they only put their efforts into good and not evil, their life would be so much better. The effort it takes to be evil is ten fold of that to be good."

I know someone that doesn't have to try to be evil ... it just comes natural just like the BM before her leaving a lot of destruction in their paths.  The only counter measures is consistenly striving to overcome ... at times it seems as if evil prevails ... but not really.  Just didn't know about evil when I was 18.

[Indigo Mom]

I think i might have solved the problem.  The GAL gave him my home phone number.  It has caller ID, which I can delete individual numbers.  On my cell phone, however, I can't do that.  If I want to delete a number, I have to erase the entire call log...ie...all the received, all the missed, or all the dialed.  So, what I'm going to suggest is that he call the cell phone.  If, by the time I get home with lil dude Wednesday, (250-3pm) he hasn't called...I'll call the therapist and ask when is a good time to show him my received/missed/dialed calls.  This would eliminate his "need" to lie and blame me.  

Joni....I tell ya...if he put 1/10th of his energy into being a father to lil miss, rather than doing it to p*ss me off...he'd be the perfect father!!!!  Add to the mix an awesome step father, and this girl would have it made.  But nope...he's a pigheaded fool who cares about nothing but himself.  Sociopath?  I think you might be on to something there!!!!!  Thank you, Joni....

Davy...I am NOT ok.  I keep letting this guy "get" to me.  I keep letting all the crap he does sink into my soul, and it's bullcrap!  I'm allowing him to drain my energy, I KNOW how to stop it...but, well, my mind has a mind of it's own...oh, that made sense...lol.  I have got to put my energy back into THIS family, and focus on the lil miss.  I don't know why I bother getting all pissy...I guess it's because I know he'll never be a father and I'll always get blamed.  He's a pathalogical liar, so even if I prove he didn't call?  He'll come up with another lie.  Thank you, Davy.....but you're waaay off thinking i'm "ok".  lol

jilly....yep, she knows the different rings each phone has, but no one is going to talk to her.  She's 5.  No one cares what the children say...besides, I won't put her in the middle.  As for me telling her when "he" was supposed to show up?  HECK NO.  I learned a long time ago NOT to let her know...too many times I saw that face stuck up against the window...crying.  I won't do that to her.  He fails to appear more often than he bothers to show.  HEY...if he was ordered to go to court and didn't...he'd get a Failure To Appear warrant.  How come no one issued a FTA for him bailing on the child?  If I was told he's going to show up...I'd keep quiet.  If he showed?  It was a surprise.  But if he didn't...she wouldn't be in that damned window waiting.


Thank you everyone for your help...I appreciate it.  

[oklahoma]

I agree--do what you can and let the rest go.  Be grateful that you get to spend all that time with your daughter--many of us are on the receiving end of actual denied visitation/contact.

Pray that the ex will see the error of his ways, and make a true effort to develop a relationship with his daughter.  And be there to support her if it doesn't happen, and when she is old enough to realize it.

Just another thought for your consideration.... my husband has done all that he can to spend time with his daughters and build a relationship on EOW.  But he has admitted when he was first divorced he was TERRIFIED to be alone with the kids--at the time they were about 2 years and 9 months.  You obviously know your ex better than I, but consider all the bluff and bluster may be his way of dealing with the fear of being a parent. (I think it is a fear every new parent has at some point, whether single or married or divorced.)

[StPaulieGirl]

Talk to the phone company about the phone calls.  Your cell phone idea is a good one.  I personally know how tough it is to fight a pathological liar.

FTA? Hehee, my ex issued his proclimation for this weekend.  He will pick up the kids tomorrow, instead of today.  The kids, their father and stepmother will hang out at a hotel.  I am to make sure their bathing suits are packed.  Sieg heil, mein Fuhrer!

Breathe deep.  Relax.  Your little one is only 5, so conserve your strength.  This asshole needs to control everything, including your life.  A window of time to place a phone call is unacceptable to people like that.  My ex fought my attorney about every bit of visitation she offered him!  He was too important and didn't have time for Easter and summer vacation. When you have proof that he didn't call, try and set up an agreement that he will exercise phone and physical visitation, or lose it altogether.  It's harsh, but maybe he'll blink...

[StPaulieGirl]

"if they only put their efforts into good and not evil, their life would be so much better. The effort it takes to be evil is ten fold of that to be good."

[p]I know someone that doesn't have to try to be evil ... it just comes natural just like the BM before her leaving a lot of destruction in their paths. The only counter measures is consistenly striving to overcome ... at times it seems as if evil prevails ... but not really. Just didn't know about evil when I was 18.

I had a fascinating online conversation regarding the Palestinian/Israeli conflict.  A Jewish woman replied to my comment that evil walks the earth, with the concept of Amalek.  This is in our Old Testament, which we share with Jews.  "Amalek snuck up on the weak and old while Moses and his men marched on to Mt. Zion ahead of them.  He slaughtered them".  Amalek is a catch phrase for being "born evil".  It is said that because Saul did not wipe the Amalek tribe out, the Israelites were doomed to be persecuted.  I believe this can be found under "Exodus" starting at #17.  Not sure though, I have a Catholic bible and haven't looked it up yet...my bad?

I googled "Amalek" and came up with all kinds of good links.  Also, "Amalekite" has links.  

This can go a long way to explain some of our ex's.  Davy, I was 18 when I met my ex.  The lights were flashing, the thing in my stomach was going off, but I was too young to understand what my subconscious was trying to tell me.   Hindsight is so 20/20....

[Indigo Mom]

welp, you're right on about every thing you wrote.  That's what I should be doing.  Getting a relationship going, feeding it, nurturing it.  I should be doing everything in my power to see that the two of them are one...because that would be best.  ( i am not being sarcastic, either)

Problem is?  I stopped doing that 4 years ago.  He isn't a "new" father, lil miss is a 5 year old kindergartner.  We didn't "just' break up...we broke up shortly after she was born.  This has been happening all her life.  We had 49/51 custody when we went to court the first time.  The Judge stepped into her chambers, leaving us to decide what the "plan" will be.  We agreed to this.  We couldn't get 50/50...we got as close to it as possible.  He and I agreed that this was the best for lil miss.

But a week later, I realized he wasn't all for it, as we didn't see him for a few months.  During that time, I'd leave a message for him every Wednesday at 10am, reminding him it was his time for lil miss.  I also did this every other Friday evening.  (he had wednesday - friday, and every other weekend) When he did finally call,  a few months later, he ripped my ass up one wall and down the other for not letting him see her.  huh?  I still made the calls.  (he never called back or picked her up) He finally picked her up the next Wednesday at 10...brought her home that same day at 5.  (he had "things" to do...) Didn't hear from him for about 6 months.  Nuther ass ripping I got via phone for denying him lil miss again.  I stopped leaving reminder messages. It was useless.  I soon realized that this is how it's going to be...and yes, it's been this way ever since...cept now?  He goes a year without any contact...but still claims I'm denying him access to her.  

He's never even been around for a birthday or Christmas.  I get blamed for that, too.  The GAL has written and rewritten NUMEROUS parenting plans to suit his every "whim"...he goes by it for a week..then bails...then when he "feels" like it, he'll call the GAL whining that I just won't let him see her.  He couldn't get a story straight to save his life...mine remains consistent.  It's easy to "track" this as the contact is so few and far between.  99% of the time, no one knows where he is or his phone number.  That song "Father of Mine"? Well, my daughter could be singing it...cause her dad gave her a last name...and that's it.  

This has been going on since that first time he bailed.  5 years now.  I haven't been able to get a relationship going or deny one.  Either way, I'm unable to do anything with him in the frame of mind that he is.  He doesn't want to be a father...as nice as it would be for him to suddenly change?  Ain't gonna happen.  I know how negative that sounds....but I'm looking at it from the 5 year point. And the fact that he STILL, after all this time, can't accept responsibility for what HE chose to do...he still fricken blames me.  That says he ain't growing up anytime soon.  

I've never taken him to court for modification of child support.  It's based on what it was 5 years ago with the 51/49 split.  I've never taken him to court for contempt for not paying it.  I've left the cs in the dust.  (cept wiping away over 3k in arrears) I've never hindered his relationship with her...that would be impossible.  He won't "make" a relationship with her, so there's nothing to deny.  All I've ever done is rack up quite a huge GAL bill modifying and remodifying the parenting plan whenever he feels like having a new one.  

Please know that I'm NOT whining about having to raise her myself ( i have hubbys help, too).  I'm VERY thankful he's an idiot who doesn't want her.  It gives me this beautiful little Indigo all to myself.  I love it.  What I don't like, however, is his bullshit game of blaming me for things he simply doesn't do.  That gets my goat.  

I know this sounds petty to you, as you said this....

-----many of us are on the receiving end of actual denied visitation/contact.-----

I, too, was an NCP for 6 years.  monster destroyed both my son and me.  It was the worst 6 years of our lives.  I fought like a crazy SOB for justice for my son.  I never gave up, I never ran away...I fought til my little boy came home. I can't imagine putting someone through what I have gone through.  This is why I'm unable to go bust his nose like I think about doing alot lately.   I'm used to "letting things go"...but when it affects me, when "I" get blamed for his stupidity...I can't help it...it pisses me off.  

Thank you, oklahoma for your reply.