Fogiveness

[Kitty C.]

After DS's dad took off with him, back to CA, and I fought to get him back (6 weeks, 3 trips to CA, 2 court appearances, 1 emergency mediation), DS went thru a horrific period of separation anxiety.  We lived with my mom at the time, and when I'd leave for work, he'd stand at the door and SCREAM 'Mommy, don't go, don't go!'  Mom would be standing right behind him, helpless to comfort him.  I HAD to go to work to support us, so I had no choice but to leave........and leave him to work thru it.  He was 4 at the time.

And when I'd see and hear him, not only would my heart break, but this all-consuming anger would come over me.  I swore at that time that if his father was standing in front of me, it would take an act of God to keep me from physically harming him.  How could he have done this to his child????

Then DS traveled to see him, every summer and EO Christmas.  When he was 6-7, he started asking when Daddy would come to see him.  then it changed to 'If Daddy doesn't come to see me, I'm not going to see him!'  It never came to that, but it made me angry all over again.  How could he do this to his child?

Over the course of the next 5-6 years, karma started to work.  First, one of his best friends was killed in an accident, then one brother died, then a BIL, then another BIL, then another brother.  He was the last male child left in the family.

Also during this time, we started to finally get along, we communicated for the sake of our child.  I only saw him once....when he came here for DS's eye surgery when he was 8.  We communicated more and more, especially when DS was diagnosed with ADHD.  After dragging my name thru the mud in the courts, he finally told me that he felt I was doing a good job as a mother.....practically a 180 degree turn on just a few years earlier.

We established a parental bond and a united front for our son.  But the karma wasn't done yet.  Two years ago, he died, very suddenly.....and now my son lost a father whom he loved as much, if not more, than me.

Sometimes the guilt I feel is overwhelming.  If I ever needed proof of karma.....I got it.  But I also understand how all these deaths happened, as well.  Except for the friend who had the accident, all were medically related......and they all didn't lead very healthy lifestyles.

I never thought, when we were going thru all the BS with the courts, that I'd ever be on reasonable speaking terms with DS's dad....but it DID happen.  And it seemed that just as we were hitting our stride, and DS was confident that he had two parents who loved and cared about him deeply, he loses one.  

All I'm saying is that I can understand the anger.  I lived it, too.  But you just never know what the future will hold.  

I found a way to funnel my anger, I got involved.  In my work, in my community, and in our son's school.  That helped a LOT.  Because one thing was certain:  NO ONE understood my anger and my situation....they had never heard of anything like it and couldn't possibly relate.  So we have places like this to come to, to vent and BE UNDERSTOOD by others who have or are walking in our shoes.  But when we're not here, we still need other avenues to help us cope and heal.  Channeling that anger, frustration, and stress into something useful.  Making a positive out of a negative.

You'd be surprised at what kind of effect it can have on your life!

[tulip]

I AM in therapy again. I started this summer, and so are my skids. It has helped me and ss a whole lot. SD, though, isn't going to keep going. She refuses to talk about her mom, but other than that, she is doing great. She's getting straight A's, is very involved with church, soccer, orchestra.

[smtotwo]

on the skids.  And Living well is the best revenge.

P.S.  Psychomommy just called and left DH a message to call her IMMEDIATELY!!

SS probably told her we grounded him, and now she's got her undies in a bundle!! Her favorite saying is "I won't make them go where they don't want to go"   I have a feeling it's off to court we go....AGAIN!!

DH is out of town, but I called him and he's going to call me back after he talks to her.

I have stomach ache and headache just thinking about it!!

[Kitty C.]

Is she talking about school and going to the doctor as well???  I bet not!  She ONLY says that in regards to your DH!

I know every situation is different, I think DS's dad and I just got lucky.  Time and distance did a LOT for our relationship.  For DS's sake, I thank God every day that we were able to put our personal differences aside.  

When DH came along, with SS, all that anger that I had felt a few years earlier with my ex now came out with the PBFH.  DH and I have gone round and round about her at times!  And you're ABSOLUTELY right about living well!  I channeled that anger and frustration into something that would have a positive effect, and now I can handle her BS a whole lot better.

And now I have a new situation that I'm not sure how to deal with!  I'll post that separately, but it directly involves the PBFH and I!

[teakae]

What you say is very encouraging!

>Also during this time, we started to finally get along, we
>communicated for the sake of our child.  I only saw him
>once....when he came here for DS's eye surgery when he was 8.
>We communicated more and more, especially when DS was
>diagnosed with ADHD.  After dragging my name thru the mud in
>the courts, he finally told me that he felt I was doing a good
>job as a mother.....practically a 180 degree turn on just a
>few years earlier.

Amazing! did your ex have something new happen to him before this change? like a new wife with kids etc? Or was he angry at you before and his anger subsided and let him admit this? Either way, it is amazing that he was able to admit to this directly to you? What kind of things did you accept or admit to let him reciprocate?


>All I'm saying is that I can understand the anger.  I lived
>it, too.  But you just never know what the future will hold.
>

Have hope that tomorrow may be a better day. Difficult to imagine when you are smack in the bottom. But important I know.


>Because one thing was certain:  NO ONE understood my anger and
>my situation....they had never heard of anything like it and
>couldn't possibly relate.  So we have places like this to come
>to, to vent and BE UNDERSTOOD by others who have or are
>walking in our shoes.  

What I don't get is that very few people understand, but for those who do, the stories are identical. PBFH's lies and drama are identical across many many households. But its good to have a place where you are understood to help you through.

What I really wonder is that where do the PBFH go for understanding? I wonder if they are at some "custody for mothers" chat room, venting out their frustrations. I wonder if the people there are sympathetic to what they say and if  they are all in the same mindset of  "I need to keep the kids to get child support and control my ex" and "the dad is trying to take the kids away from me and I must protect the kids". Maybe they are discussing the best strategies for visitation interference. Or they are talking about how hard they have to work on reminding the kids that their dad is a bum?

[teakae]

>We didn't want to leave the child but we had no choice after
>one attack after an other and the child accusing us of abuse 3
>times and her lack of respect for her mother and I- she
>enjoyed tormenting us and laughing about it.

I hear you. My SO is also feeling his kids slipping away. Even though the original bond was very strong, right now he has so little time with them. The BM make sure that his contact is "minimal" to make sure the  kids' loyalties stay with her. It gets more and more difficult for the child to align themselves with their dad when they see so little of him and hears such bad stuff about him. Our only hope is that the courts will grant him more visitation before it is too late.

>I hate the therapists advice- not your kid so stay out of it-
>let mom deal with it.... Like my wife can actually parent from
>3000 miles away over the phone- like all of those crazy people
>are able to talk about "boundaries"-
>

What boundaries! Every time SO tries to set boundaries, BM turns it right around and accuses him for not caring, not loving, being distant, evasive and "its hurting the kids". As retaliation, she will just limit his contact with the kids more.  Like when SO refused to answer the phone from her past 11pm. She said that kids couldn't go on a field trip at school the next day because she didn't have money and he won't "talk to her". Or when we tried to make her stop calling us at 10pm the night before saying she needs us to watch the kids tomorrow. She said SO has responsiblity as a father and should take time off of his work to care for the kids sometimes and how he was going to get her fired from work "again" when she has bills to pay!.

Sometimes you just have to take the abuse or risk being accused of not caring when you set boundaries.

[Kitty C.]

'Amazing! did your ex have something new happen to him before this change? like a new wife with kids etc? Or was he angry at you before and his anger subsided and let him admit this? Either way, it is amazing that he was able to admit to this directly to you? What kind of things did you accept or admit to let him reciprocate?'

I know of nothing that prompted him to say that!  It came SO out of the blue that I was totally blown away!  In fact, he told me this while on the phone to him while DS was spending the summer with him.  I went to my mom's and told her I'd just talked to P.......I must have had a funny look on my face, because she said 'What's wrong now?'  Then I said 'You're not going to believe this, but he told me he thought I was doing a good job as a mother to DS.'  She immediately sat down, with her mouth hanging open......she was equally astounded!

I think time and distance had a way of tempering our feelings.  Another thing that changed things was getting involved with DH and SS.......and seeing how nasty the PBFH was, especially then.  It made me realize that our situation wasn't that bad, and I had a GREAT example for a SM with DS's SM.  I've told her that, too.  That she taught me how to be a good SM!  

In 2.5 years, when DS graduates, I hope and pray that she can come out for it.  I want her to sit right beside me during and to stand with me and DH when DS acknowledges his 'parents' at the commencement ceremony.  She's a gem!

As for the PBFH's, I KNOW that ours doesn't have computer access, so she isn't getting her 'info' on line.  But I think I DO know where it starts....when they first talk to an atty. about the divorce.  The attys. talk them into believing that they are 'entitled' to so much and they end up running with it and taking it to extremes!  The rest is the indoctrination from the feminists!

[dad in az]

I've been thinking about this whole hate/forgiveness issue a lot lately. I have to admit sometimes when i am driving to work or laying in my bed, i get so mad that i literally feel my chest tighten up. I try to find a way to let go but i really don't know how. Till probably this last summer i never really had a probably with BM. I always encouraged DH to speak with her and try to communicate. I feel like being "nice" doesn't pay off at all, except for me knowing that i dealt with it "the right way".

I think for me it's harder because one my SD's lives with us and i see how BM is with her. I wonder what the hell is her problem b/c it's not about her relationship with her kids. She doesnt call or send her letters. She speaks with her whenever DH calls her. I really dont understand the mentality and i probably never will. All i can think is as long as in  my home everybody happy, then everything is ok.

I think i am going to do some serious soul searching after all.
mrsdad

[teakae]

Couple nights a go I had a dream... It goes like this.

My SO and the kids take a vacation to Hawaii, but we have to invite BM along. So we get her a nice condo in the same building on a different floor. I am pissed because she has the room with a great veiw of the ocean and a whirl pool. We have an ok veiw of the pool and mountains and no whirlpool. But ofcourse BM is up to her bitching and complaining.

 Well, we return to our room and I find that there is a paper airplane on my dresser. I open it and find that it is a letter from BM saying how much she hates me and how she is going to kill me soon. In the dream I am totally devastated that she continues to ruin my life even on vacation. Then it occurs to me that I can get her arrested for threatening my life!! So I call the police and we all go to find her.

 We find her in the pool with the kids and she has the little girls swimsuit on! The one my SO had to buy for the second time because BM wouldn't return the other one we bought or let us borrow the one she already had. It pisses me off to no end and I think if she didn't  have a swimsuit why couldn't she have just worn the one SHE bought for the girl instead of the one WE bought! uggggh!

Finally the police get her in cuffs and take her away yelling and screaming. The kids wave good bye to their mom and smile at us. We all head back to our room and I am disappointed because now it is time to pack up and go home. I think to myself that once again our lives were rotating around BM's drama..

Then it occurrs to me! BM doesn't have any money, so she can't post bail and if we cancel her plane ticket she can't return to the mainland for a while!  I tell this to SO in my dream and we all cheer up and we actually look forward to going home! It really felt like our vacation was just beginning. We excitedly packup our stuff like we are getting ready to start a vacation! You know that giddy feeling when you know something good is going to happen and there is nothing in the world that is going to dampen your happy feelings? Well thats the way I felt in my dream!

Needless to say I woke up with a smile on my face! Even though I knew it was only a dream, I felt really good, like I could deal with things today.

Fantasies and Dreams are great, if it gives you strength to deal with life!

[kitten]

Amen!  I sometimes wish terrible things on Crazy BM then remember that the skids love her.  AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!