Fogiveness

[tulip]

For those of you that don't know my story, I'll try to sum it up. BM got custody of my skids in divorce. Not long after the divorce was final, the amount of time she asked dh to take them began to steadily increase. He started looking for ways to change custody in 2002. Last fall, we hired an atty, and when attempts to settle had definitely failed, started court proceedings. By this time, dh had the kids about 80% of the time and a lot of that was her last minute changes. In Dec 2003, he got joint custody. In April, he proved that BM had a major meth problem and got full custody. Child support is not settled.

BM is now only allowed supervised visitation with an adult they both agree upon. She was ordered to take random UA's and not use any non-prescribed mood altering substances. She's not taking random UA's. She has taken a few, at times of her choosing. She has only seen the kids a few times since June.

This woman has put me through absolute hell. She has threatened to kill me and my dh. She has harassed us, abused us and tried very hard to make us as miserable as she is. I have been in therapy because this summer I became so depressed I really hoped I would die. I didn't die, and I don't want to anymore.

The kids have been through hell too. Now they understand the problem about as well as a 12 yo and 9 yo can. They love their mom and are waiting patiently for her to start doing the things she is supposed to do in order to rebuild their relationship and become involved in their lives again. They want so much to believe she is sober, and she's told them she is. But she isn't. She hasn't produced a clean drug test yet. She is taking prescription narcotics now, instead of meth, and has yet to produce a prescription to prove she is not breaking the law.

I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. We won. I want the kids to get whatever they can from her, because they are so desperate. But I'm having a lot of trouble even encouraging them to talk to her. Every time the phone rings my neck gets all tense because it might be her, calling for the kids. (What lies and drama will it be today?) She will never, ever apologize for what she has done to me or take any responsibility for her own troubles. But I feel like the best thing for the kids is for me to forget about what I've been through. We have the legal guidelines in place to protect them, but still the thought of being anywhere near bm makes me physically ill. I need to move on, but I don't know how.

[dad in az]

I Feel the same way and i thought i was the only one in this world that felt like that. Everytime DH calls BM and i hear her voice i literally get sick to my stomach. The day it dawned on me how resentfull i was, was when all this hurricanes hit FL. I saw DH very worried (his girl and BM lives there) and i didnt care. Not for the girl but for the mom. Sometimes i think the same i have to forgive and forget but have no idea how.


Mrsdad.

[teakae]

>I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. We won. I want the
>kids to get whatever they can from her, because they are so
>desperate. But I'm having a lot of trouble even encouraging
>them to talk to her.

I too often wish I could throw all decency away and just tell the kids what a miserable, evil, vindictive, sour person their mother is. But I don't because I know that is not right. But I can sometimes feel my face twitch when I have to talk about her in a positive light.

>Every time the phone rings my neck gets
>all tense because it might be her, calling for the kids. (What
>lies and drama will it be today?)

My SO and I can't enjoy time with the kids or without the kids because we are always afraid ex is going to call. Every phone call makes us jump and we start spewing out senarios and what we would say if she says that.. etc before we even look at the caller ID. Every time she calls, regardless of what it is about, we have to second guess her and wonder what she is up to now. The phone ringing is like a shrill siren calling all hand on deck where you are fighting a storm you have no control over.
The other day, our neighbor joked that he hears us fooling around (this was after a couple of drinks) really late, past 2am, and never earlier. We laughed but its true. We don't have sex earlier because the ex may call and interrupt. Only late at night when we know that she won't be calling, can we relax.

>She will never, ever
>apologize for what she has done to me or take any
>responsibility for her own troubles.

Our ex was probably born a victim and will probably continue to be a victim in her own eyes and anybody she can fool. I don't think it occurs to her that she is constantly affecting other people around her with her negativity and evil motives. One time she came to pick the kids up, she had such an angry face, they burst out crying. Of course she thought we had done something to them and blamed us for making the kids cry and dumping them on her.  She continued to yell as she yanked the kids away by their arms. It just makes me sick.

>We have the legal guidelines in place to protect
>them, but still the thought of being anywhere near bm makes me
>physically ill. I need to move on, but I don't know how.

We don't have any legal guidelines so she can pretty much do anything to the kids. And unlike your ex who uses drugs, our ex is a "good enough" mother. She feeds and clothes them and they go to school for the most part. But life is so  much more! I want to scream. Why can't the kids get the best that is available for them? Why should we just sit on our hands just because they aren't orphans in some third world country that are dying of starvation? Who ever said "good enough" was good enough?

My personal friends, say that I should just let the situation be and not be involved. They say that these kids already have a mom and dad which is more than some kids. They say that the kids are not starving or living on the street so what right do I have to butt in.  I think most of my friends have gotten tired of hearing the latest episode of crazy bm. I think they resent me for being involved with a man who was "stupid" enough to have kids with this woman. Most of the time I don't know what to do with all the anger I feel inside. Sometimes I take it out on him and he lashes back because he is stressed about it too.

I too don't know what to do. I found myself really wishing the hurricane will blow her away and even fantasing that I could go and knock her out with a tree and nobody will ever know. I hated myself for it. But then, the little girl (8) calls her dad and laughs because her mom told her our place flooded (we didn't).  Then I go back to wishing that I had actually knocked her out.

Forgiveness? Well thats a long way away for me. But at least, now I know others feel the same way.

[dad in az]

WOW i never really realized that sometimes we feel alone and there are so many people going thru the same.

[Wi-Mom]

My DH has had placement of his 15 y/o son for a year. He came at the end of summer 2003 and we enrolled him in school. For the first time in his life he passed a grade without having to take summer school.

DH took him off of the ADHD meds he'd been on and simply exercised some discipline. His BM had him on Aderol because he would get up and walk around the classroom, ditch school, forget to bring home his homework.. etc. We noticed that at restaurants he would be up wandering around.. and ya know? We made him stay in his seat!! (mean Dad!) and at school.. he started to learn to stay in his seat! Wow!

When he came.. at the age of 14.. he belted his pants BELOW his rear end.. because he thought it looked cool. His mother couldn't get him to stop. It took his father, me, my kids, his friends, all of us constantly getting after him about 6 months but golly.. the kid wears his pants around his waist now.

BM decided DH was not listening to his sensitive side.. and wasn't allowing him to be himself. Before the school year ended.. she started calling him begging him to move back home. We would hear him saying, "no Mom.. I want to stay with Dad.. " Every phone call. She denied to DH that she was trying to get him back.. but she even called him and said she'd registered him at school where she lived.

During the summer, DH and SS had a choice of which high school to send him to. They went to several, and both really liked the Military Academy in town. DH was in the Army, and thought the adademy would really help his son with organization and mental discipline. SS went to a social.. loved it.. and we signed him up. BM mother was OUTRAGED!!! From that moment on she started making our lives a living hell. She called her son whenever we weren't home and told him what a terrible father DH was... and night after night DH would spend hours dispelling the lies and accusations. Every few days there were new ones. His whole life story told by his son.. skewed. It was surreal.

I don't know what happened.. but after two days of school at the Academy, September 7th to be exact.. BM called SS after school when DH was not home as usual. It seems as if she dialed a code in the phone and he was instantly brainwashed. He wanted to go back to his mother. He was adamant. Night and Day difference.. unwavering.  The only thing we know she said was that she had a basketball hoop for him. (we don't have one anymore-he broke it.) I can't imagine that he is that shallow.. but he kept saying that was the reason. He also said that he hated his school.. and that he told his mother that. That was new too.

But every day after school all he would talk about was his school day. He sounded like he was having a blast.. I even said to him.. "I think that you have found that you actually love your school.. but you can't admit it now that you told your mother you hated it." His reply, "Well.. I don't like the uniforms." They hadn't even gotten their uniforms yet. We told him that we felt it was in his best interest to stay where he was.

So this Saturday.. DH drove SS to meet his mother 1/2 way (2 1/2 hour drive) for a visit. The first one since July. She hadn't  even asked to see him since then. They were to meet again in the same spot Sunday 6pm for pickup.

3pm DH got a call from BM.. Our son doesn't want to go back.. and I'm not going to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. He said he hates his school and you wouldn't listen to him." An argument followed of course.. and DH talked to his son who just kept saying, "Dad, I'll be better up here.. I want to stay here.."

DH called BM on Sunday 10am and asked her if she was going to be at the meeting place at 6pm. She said, NO! So he said, "Very well, I will fax a copy of our stipulation & order to the Sheriff and I will be there to get my son. If you try to stop me you will be arrested for kidnapping." He called on his cell phone because we were at church. When we got home from church, there was a voice mail on the house phone from SS. "Dad, Don't do this to Mom. I want to stay. Please don't have her arrested. She didn't do anything wrong."

He called back and explained the wrong doing.. and all his son did was yell.. "But I want to stay with Mom!" interrupting his father. BM took the phone and said, "I will fight you with everything I have.. and you will never win because I will make sure he HATES you!" At that point.. his daughter (and BM's two other little girls - not his but they all call him Dad, and come down for every holiday and summer and we love them) started yelling at DH in the phone.. as if he were some sort of a monster.  

I could hear them.. and I started to cry. DH hung up the phone.. and I said, "What good can possibly come of this? She has turned them all against you already.. and if we have her arrested they will hate you even more. If we get your son back.. like this.. how can we ever restore what has happened? And how many more times will it happen?" We went for a long walk.. then drove around.. crying.. trying to sort out what to do.. and then DH called his son and said goodbye. She won.. and everyone else lost. Their son and daughter, her kids.. their grandparents.. No one will ever be the same. Except her. She will never be sorry.. nor change. She's the monster.

I can't even begin to imagine how to forgive her. Of course it has only been a day.. but I know how you feel.. I'm so tired of being angry all the time.. and having her son.. has been a nightmare because she never gave DH a chance to be his father.

[tulip]

Somehow it makes me feel better to know that somebody understands. I too feel like my friends are sick of hearing about my problems. A couple of years ago, I went to see a therapist. She basically told me I'm not their parent, so I should leave it alone. That was the last time I went to see her.

I thank God for every person that has ever told me "being a stepmom is one of the hardest jobs in the world." I can count them on one hand, and I so appreciate them.

Our family has come a long way. My relationship with the skids has improved tremendously over the last year. I'm sure that's because most of the time I manage to bite my tongue concerning their bm. I'm grateful for what we have. But yeah, I'm still bitter. I hope that goes away.

[tulip]

I would have never let go like that. But I'm not going to tell you that you and your dh were wrong, because I wasn't there. Some friends of mine had a very similar thing happen with their teenage daughter last year. She came because she knew she wanted the normal, happy life they had, then after a visit with her mother, sent them a card in the mail telling them she wasn't coming back. How heartbreaking.

It seems to me that your dh had every legal right to get his son back. It's been my experience that if he had called the police, she wouldn't have been arrested. They probably would have just called her and told her she was breaking the law and she better return him. You could still file contempt charges. I know it seems futile, if he says he doesn't want to come back. But really, don't you think maybe he said that he's with his mom, and he's just so confused?

I don't know. A fifteen year old shouldn't be able to decide where he wants to live based on who will spoil him more. There is a whole lot of manipulation going on there. Sometimes what kids want is not what's best for them.

[ex-stepfather]

This post has really touched my heart.

I have been in pain for over a year from the situation that happened to my wife and I.

I raised my step-daughter with my wife  and offered the child a nice home to live in and a "normal" family life with my side of the family. I even tried to adopt my step. She called me "dad" and barely knew her real father.

My wife's mother through the years did things to undermined our parenting. Things like sneaking the child to see her real biological father with out discussing it with my wife first-

 My wife was keeping biological father away from his infant daughter because one day she came home and found some strange girl watching the child- beer cans all over the house and the biological father was out "gay bashing" a gay person with his skin head friends. Biological father has a seven time arrest record, by the way.

So we had my wife's dysfunctional family- neurotic, hypochondriac mother and alky father- Feeding my wife's kid all sorts of white trashy ideas and undermining us- and each side playing us against the other- and then they taught the kid how to do it and she accused us of child abuse 3 times.

Thousands of dollars were spent in courts and now we pay the monster Biofather child support and the kid lives 3000 miles away from us. They are all dysfunctional poison, white trash, raisist, hateful, low-class, disgusting, repugnant, sub human garbage that tried to break up our marriage and they were successful in brain washing a child that was spoiled to death and self centered to begin with.

I have been feeling a lot of pain and this was a year ago... We didn't want to leave the child but we had no choice after one attack after an other and the child accusing us of abuse 3 times and her lack of respect for her mother and I- she enjoyed tormenting us and laughing about it.

I am not in therapy and am not dealing with my pain very well... My wife suffers each day also.

I hate the therapists advice- not your kid so stay out of it- let mom deal with it.... Like my wife can actually parent from 3000 miles away over the phone- like all of those crazy people are able to talk about "boundaries"-

[Kitty C.]

Just one thing I want to mention to you.........and you too, tulip.  You said that you are not in therapy, but neither you or your wife are dealing with the pain well.  If at all possible, keep shopping for a counselor.  Looking for a professional to talk to is SO different than finding a doctor.  Because you have to 'mesh' or 'click', you know what I mean?

I've done it before, not necessarily because I didn't like what I was being told, but because I just wasn't comfortable with whom I was talking to.  And if you're not comfortable, you're just throwing money away.

All I can tell you is to keep looking.  That pain and anger will eat away at you, fester and simmer till one day it will come out in a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with why you're in pain in the first place.  And it can have devastating effects.  There are good therapists and counselors out there, you just have to keep searching till you find the one right for you.

Your pain shows in you post...and I can tell it runs very deep.  For the sake of your marriage and family, please try again.  

God bless you and yours..........

[smtotwo]

DH and I too have fantasized about an "accident" to psychomommy and stepdad.

Some of the newer peeps don't know our story, so heres just a short snippet.

BM told skids that DH wasn't there father, moved them over 2000 miles away when they were 2 and 4 at the time.  When she remarried the boys were told her new husband was there "real dad" and DH was just a step they didn't have to visit if they didn't want to.  After 2 1/2 yrs of fighting and getting close to a settlement, psychomommy said that I was stalking her and threatened to kidnap the skids from school.  I actually spent 7 days in jail, while they investigated!! Of course when they found none of it to be true, there were no consequences at all, not in civil or criminal court.

We have NEVER shared that with the skids but, of course my son knows what happened and I'm very proud that he also has managed to separate the skids from the things their psychomommy did.  He hasn't said anything to them.

And she too will never admit what she did or apologize.  
My deepest fantasy is that someday that brain tumor she had removed will reappear and be fatal!!  And I feel terrible to feel that way, but don't know how to get past it!!  As far as she's concerned, I don't even exist.

ANd I know that the skids lie, because they see their mother do it and there are no consequences.  I can only hope that the time they do spend here in an almost normal household will have some impact.

Thanks for making me feel a little less alone.