How Do We Handle This?

[mad_as_hell]

Tom and I have been dating three years.  For the last year he was in court with his ex to get visitation with his daughter.  He won and we have visits with Cassie every other weekend since September of this year.  There have been no problems between me and Cassie so far.  She is 8 years old.  Tom has asked me to marry him and I've said yes.  We have not told anyone of this yet.  At the last counseling session Tom had with Cassie and Jenn (the ex), Cassie said that she enjoyed having her own room when she stays with us since she has to share with her half sister at home.  Jenn spitefully retorted, "You won't have that room to yourself forever.  What do you think will happen when Tom and Jessica have a baby?  You'll have to share you room just like you do now."  So, now that Tom has proposed, I am worried about how we should approach Cassie to tell her that we want to get married.  I am afraid that after her mother's nasty attitude and with what she said, that will make Cassie uncomfortable with the idea that we now want to get married.  I am afraid she will equate it with Tom and I having a baby and that she will have to give up her room.   How should we handle this?  How do we talk to her?

We live in a two bedroom condo that we just bought in Sept.  We have no immediate plans to move nor do we have any immediate plans to have children.  In fact, the date for our wedding is not until Oct 28, 2006!  We are not even sure if we are going to have any other children.  AND, even if we do decide, we have no plans of making Cassie share a room.  If we were to get pregnant, we already agree that we will need to move.  

And what kind of mother spites her child like this?  This is the second incident of being spiteful to her child.  Any advice?

[Ref]

I just got engaged too!! How exciting. BM managed to congratulate us through her teeth. I was surprised that she could even do that. BM has talked crap about us for years. She made SURE that SD didn't see me as anything but a live-in girlfriend for the past 10 years. (fake wife). She was just jealous because they were married of 3 horrible years (1 was seperation) and we have been very happy for our 10 years.

You would be suprised. My SD was so exited. She couldn't wait to help me plan for the wedding. The day after the engagement she called me to ask what colors and flowers and whether we would have a band or DJ.....

I wouldn't sweat it. Have her help with the preparations. Most little girls go NUTS over this stuff.  Talk about having your hair done together etc...

If she gets upset, explain to her that you have no intention of adding on to your family anytime soon. Then change the topic to the pretty dress she will be wearing.

Another angle is to help her update her room to make it more hers, if you haven't already.

Good Luck

[Genie]

she doesn't want Cassie to be happy or enjoy something at your place.  Obviously there are alot of problems since the 3 of them are in counseling.  It is jealously.

The next year is going to be hard. I can see Jenn filling Cassie's head with all kinds of lies and crap about you guys getting married and having children etc.

My advice is to be very honest and up front with her. Answer her questions and make sure you explain to her any lies she is told.  Don't pussy foot around her. If the subject of you having children comes up tell her "well, we don't have any plans to have a baby right now or even after we marry for some time. However, if it does happen, we will move to a bigger place so you and the baby can have your own rooms."  If she says "well, Mom said this..." Just tell her her Mom not is part of you and her Dad's conversations and don't know what you talk about or what your plans are for the future.

Try to keep her very involved in planning the wedding. I am assuming she will be a flower girl or jr bride maiden or something.

[joni]

She doesn't want Cassie to be happy with your family and it's eating at her that Cassie is happy.

Tell Cassie you're getting married when she's in 5th grade (she's in 3rd grade now?).  That's a time frame that Cassie can understand how far away it is.

Tell Cassie that you probably won't have babies until she's in 7th grade.  And when you do, you'll need a bigger place so the baby can have their own room.

[mad_as_hell]

Well, we told Cassie this weekend that we were to be married.  We were having all our family over to share the news so we thought it best to tell her beforehand while it was just the three of us.  She giggled a little and we told her that if she had any questions or anything she wanted to t say, then she needed to tell us.  We explained that although we are engaged, the marriage was not going to be right away and that we had no plans to have any children.  She said she was okay with it.  But, we told her that even if she's okay with it now but then feels she has something to say, she can tell us whenever she wants to and we will discuss her feelings.  She smiled and said it was okay.  

And, as an aside, when we bought the condo we let her pick the wall color.  We let her help us paint it.  We even let her help us paint our room.  She loved it.  

After our our families left on Saturday, she went to bed and Tom went to bed.  I cleaned up a little and left a small list of finish up items for Tom to take care in the morning.  I woke up to a pretty smiling face and nice big warm hug and her cute little voice saying, "I helped with the chores!"  

So, for now, things seem to be going well.  But we will see what happens when her mother gets word.  Ugh!  

Thanks all!

[wendl]

What a sweet little girl. Remember to also plan your wedding during your visitation, we did this in order to ensure my stepkids were with us on our wedding day as my dh's kids were in the wedding as well as my son.

Best wishes and congrats to you all.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[backwardsbike]

I wholeheartedly second this motion.  Who needs a court fight to make sure the kids are at the wedding!

[flewwellin]

don't be surprised that her mother is doing this.  We had a similar sittuation happen when my hubby and i got engaged and even married.  she asked my step daughter if we (all parents involved including steps or future steps) were in a competition!!! THank god my SD was oblivious to the meaning and nastiness of the comment.  This will continue to happen also.  At least probably for 10 more years in your case... Sad but true.  It is harmful to the child to have one parent say negative things about their other parent or anyone they would come into contact with while with that parent.  We brushed it off.  In my opinion it shows she is unhappy that your future hubby is moving on and the only way she can think to get back at him is using their child as a pawn.  Good luck hun you'll need it in dealing with this one!  Seems like you'll have some of the same problems as i've had and some that i have yet to have.  


flewwellin