Courtroom Hints and Wisdom

[FLMom]

I recently saw a post in Soc's forum about courtroom behavior and decorum.

I'd never been in court before, not even for a traffic ticket, and I had the same questions that I've seen others ask here. Just thought I'd pass the knowledge along and hope all mothers and fathers that want to be in their children's lives find something they can use. The following is a synopsis of things I've read and some of my own personal experience combined. When you have a full year to search the web you tend to absorb a lot of what you've read.

1) Expect delays. Court time is unlike real time. You may have to wait five minutes or five months and you won't know until the day of the hearing. Don't get frustrated, just think of it as extra time to get all of your ducks in a row. And don't call the clerk's office every day either. It's just like any other office--there is gossip and you don't want to be the subject of the eye roll when their phone rings.

2) Dress:
Men: Dress like you are going to church on Sunday. Clean and pressed but not over the top. That Armani suit you wore out on your date last week might look very spiffy, but to a judge you will look like a walking dollar sign. It will then be very difficult to be Joe Average when it comes to alimony and support. Charcoal, grey and navy blue are good neutral colors.  Go easy on the cologne if you wear any at all. Also, keep in mind that facial hair makes one appear to be hiding something--clean shaven is the best option.

Women: Think church/schoolteacher. Wholesome. You may look sharp in a business suit and heels, but that's not the "image" of a mother. A mother wears sensible shoes and doesn't have time to fuss over herself. Avoid excessive jewelry and make-up. If your hair isn't short then pull it back--no retro 80's hairdo's or anything that looks like it requires more than one minute to put together. If you wear hose then it should be a natural color, and your dress color should never be black or red. Both imply "a night out on the town".

3) While in court and in the waiting area, do not speak to your ex directly. If you have lawyers let them do the talking, and if you do not, then wait until you get into the courtroom. You do not want a baliff telling the judge about the pre-show he or she just witnessed.

4) Treat this as a business matter, regardless of how painful it is (and everyone knows it IS). This is the time for all of those manners that your mother taught you to come into play. Even though it may cause you to bite a hole through your lip, address your ex as "Mr.",  "Ms" or "Mrs.". Say "thank you" and "please". One of the things a judge is looking for is who will facilitate contact best with the other parent for the sake of the children. You want the court to know that, while there are difficulties, that you have the utmost respect for the other party.

5) No matter how hard, even if your ex tells the judge you've done every despicable thing in the book, DO NOT under any circumstances interupt. The judge is the Grand Poobah of that little room, and it is his or her domain. Show that you have the patience of a saint. When your ex is done, and if the judge does not then turn to you and ask if you have any response, then ASK the judge if you can answer in response to what was said.

6) Do not sling mud in a courtroom unless you have the documentation to prove without a doubt what puddle that mud came from. Period. Judges do not have time on their dockets for he said/she said.

7) Eye rolling, deep sighs, gasps and dirty looks towards the other party are a one way ticket to losing.

8) Attorneys:

Opposing Attorney:
Your opposing attorney put his or her shoes on this morning just like everyone else did. They ate their corn flakes and listened to the radio while driving to work just like everyone else. In other words, just because this person is paid a large amount of money to ask you questions does not mean that they are larger than life. Do not give them too much power in your own head. He or she is not someone to be scared of---they are doing "a job" much like you do. It's up to you to show them, in very kind and considerate answers, why their facts are incorrect. Be succinct in your answers, and keep an even tone. Also, keep in the back of your mind that it's almost guaranteed that your ex did not "tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" to them. In other words, they don't know what you know.

Your Attorney:
Your attorney can only do for you what you do for him/her. They are not going to go out and hunt down information for you---it's up to you to bring it to them and have it organized so they can go through it quickly. It's up to you to "tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" to them. The last thing your attorney wants is suprises, especially bad ones.

9) Shoot for the moon but settle on a cloud. No one ever walks out of a courtroom, especially in custody matters, with everything they sought going in. Those who do are EXTREMELY lucky and few and far between. Have a back up plan set with your attorney ahead of time. If the judge and the opposing attorney make an offer that you know you can live with, it may be worth taking. The last thing you want is a judge that wants to go to his Rotary meeting making a decision in haste that will blanket the lives of you and your children for years to come.

10) Even if your ex is the devil incarnate, you will work with them in whatever way possible for the sake of your children. Any attack on your ex that is viewed by the judge is tantamount to an attack on your children. Whether a judge is pro father or pro mother, the party that makes the other party cringe will NOT come out of a courtroom happily.

11) The judge is always "Your Honor".

12) Do not ever use the phrase "My children". Instead, use "Our Children". This is a joint venture, not a monopoly.

13) Stand up when the judge enters and leaves, and sit when the judge sits.

14) Be on time, and have all of your paperwork with you. If you will be presenting evidence, be sure you or you and your attorney have at least three copies of everything---one for you, one for the opposing side and one for the judge.

15) Do not reek of cigarette smoke, and do not chew gum or carry any drinks into the waiting area or the courtroom.

16) When leaving after the proceeding is over, again do not speak directly to your ex. If they approach you tell them you will speak to them later. Remember, the ink isn't dry on the proceedings until it's been filed days later by the court clerk.

Just my inner thoughts and a hope that others here end up with at least some of the happiness that they and their children deserve!

FLMom

[patton]

Very well said FLMom and an echo of what my attorney told me.

 

[TPK]

Very interesting post.  I had wondered if I should shave off my 5 year goatee. I didn't do it, but the thought had crossed my mind.

I did smoke some cigs outside the courthouse, and never thought that would even matter. It didn't as far as I know cuz the Judge sided with me on my issues.

Having said that, your post is a valueable tool of the ins' & outs' of the dreaded courtroom.

Cheers

TPK

[MYSONSDAD]

"Children learn what they live"

[formykids]

I agree whole heartedly with everything you said,im in my second divorce from the same woman in 10 years,the first time i did alot of the things you say not to do,and lost miserably,,,by the end of the trial the judge was objecting to my testimony,,,,i showed little respect for my ex or the judge and HIS courtroom,im a little older and a lot wiser this time,,,i realize its hard to have respect for an ex you feel wronged you,,,or some judge thats gonna decide whats right for your kids,,,,but trust me,youd better or youll regret it badly,,,id also like to add ,dont dare blurt out liar during their testimony,,this was frowned on heavily and cost me 50 bucks for contempt,,,let your lawyer speak for you,thats why he gets the big bucks,,,,good luck

[gipsy]

This  is as pretty good article , And The only thing I could add that is good idea , Go to the court and watch a trial , This really put a human face on it all for me , Then when I went to trial it wasn't  a total surprise

[KAT]

Don't ever say, even though you are sitting in the gallery; "My God you are such a pathological liar". This will get you yelled at by the judge & put out into the hallway.
KAT