Do I make the first move?

[salut2u]

My son's father has never seen our son, never asked for visitation or even for a picture. He lives in another state. Our son is 2yrs old. After my son becomes a bit older, I'm hopeful maybe his father might actually have some interest in getting to know him, which I would support 100%. The father is remarried & I don't want to start trouble with his wife. Am I crossing the line by sending him pics/updates though he has not requested them? I'm really struggling w/whether it's appropriate for me take this step? Years ago while I was still pregnant, I offered to email him an ultrasound picture which he seemed happy to get. Since then, we attempted to settle the matter of child support on our own at first, he pushed back & "lawyered up", which left me no alternative but to do the same & it's all been downhill from there. The only reason I have his new address is because his employer gave it to the attorney I used for my case yrs ago...I didn't even know the employer had to do that but for whatever reason they took it upon themselves to give to the attorney who in turn sent it to me. I have no need for it, but getting that information right around the holidays has made me think about whether he'd be interested in knowing how his son was doing, seeing pictures of him playing in the snow, or at swim class. But then on the other hand, I'm cognizant of what an unwelcome invasion of privacy it would be if he doesn't care to know about his child and, on top of that, knowing that I have his new address when he didn't bother to pass it on (even though technically, according to our order, he's supposed to inform me).

I hate the bitter attitude of "If he cares enough he'd ask to see him". I really don't think it's that simple.

Would appreciate anyone's input.

[leftoverinmn]

Why don't you ask him what he wants? in a letter, of course..

[joni]

I would reach out to him.  Send him a letter with a photo of the child.  Be honest as to why you're sending it.  Now is a good time for you to do this before your child gets older and understands the true concept of a missing father.

Not making excuses for him but maybe he doesn't know how to get 'restarted' with you.  Maybe it's awkward for him to find the words to apologize or make the first move.

If he doesn't respond or responds poorly, you'll have your answer and maybe some closure.

[MafiaMom]

and has never seen his father. I did try...and was met with disinterest, so since then I haven't tried again. We divorced when I was pregnant.

Your ds is two. I can tell you from experience that once he reaches school age, he WILL ask why he doesn't have a father. It was the question I most dreaded my ds asking. When he did, I told him he does have a father, but that his heart was too small (like the grinch's) to love anyone but himself...but that I loved him enough for BOTH of us. Seems I worried more than I had to because after I said that he just said, "Oh, okay..." and went about playing.

My son is now a teenager...and when the teen years hit, children have a LOT of adjustments to make. An unwelcomed invasion from his father at this point in his life would wreak havoc on him. He has told me he NEVER wants to see "that man." It's healthy for him to express this. I have explained to him that even though his "father" hasn't wanted to see him in all this time, there may come a time when he does...and the court may MAKE him see him. He claims he'll run away and hide. And no, I did not bash him to my ds. I never speak about him, period. He came to that conclusion on his own. It's his feelings, and tells a lot about what emotional state that would put him in should his father decide to be a father.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try NOW. However, since he's remarried, you don't even know if his wife KNOWS about your son. Therefore, utilizing the work address is best...because if she doesn't know, you don't want to put his life in turmoil by divulging that information. That's something HE needs to do. Write him a letter and simply state that you are contacting him to see if he'd like updates on his son. That you are reaching out and will honor whatever decision he makes. Let him know that if he wants a relationship with his son, that you are open to that...but that you'd hope it would be a stable and reliable relationship...not a "fly by night" one as your son needs to be eased into it. Let him know that if he chooses not to be a part of his life, that you hope he will understand that popping back in at a later date, when your ds is in his teens, could be detrimental to him...so you are reaching out NOW. Supply him with your email address. Supply him with your phone number and mailing address. If he doesn't contact you...let it go and deal with being the only parent your ds has in his life.

[gipsy]

Unfortunatley My Ex ,Thats EX step daughter and I had huge problems , And when the step daughter went to counseling ,It came out the she was having problems in relation to Her resentment from the Real dad never seeing her , I could see that when He did communicate with her even a little it made her feel better , SOOO , My opinion is derived from the fact that I have seen this in other people also , Where one parent is absent , This is a tough one , I would say send the letter , And just say Hey this kid will fair better if you Would see him At least once in a while , And I want you to see him for his sake , I wish My son's mom was like you ,She is the other side of the coin , , I had to fight to see My son , SOOO , Again I would send the letter , His dishonesty is not your problem , A kid that needs a dad is your problem , As My expirience with my step daughter , And a young Man that works for Me Tells me , They want to know there real dad , Even if it's only a little but they want to feel wanted , If he doesn't respond I would send another letter telling him he is shirking his responsibility to the child , and this is less than What you would expect of a responsible adult , I sent my step daughters dad a letter Via Emaill telling him His daughter Needs Him Etc , I am now divorcing the mother and I have no connection to the step daughter Due all the problems , And I don't care any more , But i am not the dad , What the dad is doing sucks period , And after a certain amount of diplomacy  I would feel inclined to tell him so