Ex is not seeing kids...

[glittersteph]

:7 Hi, I'm  new. I am in the process of getting a divorce. It will be final on the 11 of March!  I have a 3 year old and  a 11 month old with my ex. I have full-custody. I have a parenting plan with my ex. He gets the kids everyother weekend. The problem is he hasn't seen the kids in over 2 months. I am having a hard time explaining to my oldest why he's not going to daddies. I have tried just not saying anything about going for the weekend, but he knows hes supposed to go. He's a little to smart for his own good! LOL
I just don't know what to do. My ex calls and makes plans every weekend but then at the last min he cancels. This last time I was in his driveway with the kids (it's a 30 min drive to his house.) he had left so i couldn't leave the kids! I guess you could imagine the heartbreak for my oldest.
I just thought you guys might have some advice. Anything would be great.
Thanks

[momof2]

I had similar problems with my EX early after my divorce.  My EX had a really hard time dealing with our divorce, and as a result he found it very hard to use his visitation.

At the time I was angry and bitter toward him for taking the divorce out on the kids by not keeping them in his life as he should have.  I often thought as well that he refused visitation because he didn't like the idea of me having any free time to myself.  Another part of me felt he just didn't want the responsibility of caring 100% for his kids for a couple of days.  I'll never know what the real reasons were for him not seeing his kids and I've since let it go although it took me a long time.

It was hard on the kids because they missed their father and didn't understand why he wouldn't see them.

But, eventually my EX came around to his senses, and started using some if not all of his visitation.  It actually got much better after he met the woman who is now his wife.  At that point he started taking even more of his visitation, although he's never used all of it that he could.

Hang in there.  Try to keep the kids occupied with fun activities to keep their mind off of not getting to see dad.  I'd even suggest having them make some special cards and mailing them.  Your EX might be having a lot of emotional problems that to him are compounded by seeing the kids, and getting cute handmade cards from them might trigger something making him want to see them more.

[glittersteph]

Thank you so much, it is very hard on the kids. I will try the card thing. I'm glad your ex came around to his senses!

[gipsy]

Being a man , And having so called , " Visitation" Is like being called a criminal and out sider . That is removed from the lives of our children . And Rationed out in some form beyond what should be normal access and control of our own children , I find it disgusting , Humiliating , And dehumanizing , for the court and or the other parent to strip us of our natural rights , And do what the court decides ,  why would the court have to decide on every other weekend , If you were in agreement , Or was this Your mutual agreement ,  It seems there  are some of us fathers  that really love our children and find it difficult to believe that we can really maintain a relationship , and real fatherly influence with this EOW visit in place , Maybe send him a letter asking him What he thinks , And tell him you want the kids to go to his house more , My guess is . He iether is not interested .  Has other preoccupations , Or is disgusted with this term visitation And His own children ,  No one could guess . But maybe a civil letter  Would help , Its hard to go through this , and Probably every Dad Has the thought of walking away cross his Mind , I'm sure You can see there is so few wins in this biassed system for men that It is humiliation ,And Its a Hands down for women to get child support and the kids at there house 90% Of the time . He could be just disgusted, I did not walk away , But  the way things play out I couldn't blame any father that couldn't take this ,

[momof2]

From day one I always made it clear to my EX that there was an open door policy regarding when he could see his kids or have them spend the night.  I've always treated the court order as a guideline to follow in the event that the EX and I couldn't agree on parenting time between the two of us otherwise.  Even with this open door policy, he  never chose additional parenting time as well as didn't use what was in the court order.

My EX also had access to the court order before it was finalized, and I gave him ample time to let me know if there was anything in it that he wanted changed or did not agree to.  His only concern was that he wouldn't be able to take all the parenting time outlined because it would interfere with his work and other activities.

So, I personally don't feel guilty of making my EX feel like a criminal or an out sider.  If these feelings had anything to do with his not using visitation the first year or so after our divorce, I don't understand it because he was given a huge amount of freedom with visitation, but chose not to take it, even on his own terms.

I'm sure there are many men who might feel the way you described it, but I did take steps to keep my EX from feeling that way.

[glittersteph]

I am sure this is hard on my EX, I don't really care about his feelings anymore, hense the divorce. My concern is the children. He could have all sorts of reasons as to why he is not seeing the kids. I know the last few reasons are because he wanted some time to himself! Which is fine, occasinally.( But he doesn't work or go to school. So how much does he need to himself?) What am I supposed to say to my sons as to why their dad is not seeing them. How do I handle the questions, like" doesn't daddy love me anymore?" "Why doesn't daddy want to see me?" ? I have no idea as to what to say. Their little hearts are breaking and I can't protect them from it. They are being hurt by someone who loves them.
I don't think this system is biased. I know many fathers in the state of Washington who have full-custody of their kids. I believe that the system is taking care of the kids to the full degree.
And this is MY opinion, I believe that any father that walks away because he thought the whole thing was disgusting or humiliating, is a selfish man.  If that father happens to run into his kids someday, what is he going to say??? "Sorry Son, I couldn't handle only seeing you on the weekends so I left."
It sounds like a cop-out to me.

[glittersteph]

I just wish I could understand, if our ex's say they love the kids so much, why don't they want to see them? I just don't get it.

[Troubledmom]

I cannot comment on why your Ex is not seeing his children, there are many reasons parents do not commit themselves to parenting. Having said that...

Some ways to help your children through it, because they are the ones who need it the most.

When your 3 year old says "why doesn't daddy want to see me?" you respond with "why sweetie, I bet Daddy wishes he was right here with you now, would you like to draw him a picture to let him know you are thinking about him?"

When Daddy calls saying he will be there for a visit and doesn't show up and your little one throws a fit (focused at you usually because you are there) tell him "boy it looks like/sounds like you are pretty upset. Do you think drawing daddy a picture to let him know how you feel will help?"

Give your child the power to express his feelings on paper. Try really hard not to make comments about Daddy not being there when he is suppose to (I know this is a hard one because you get frustrated about Daddy not being there too). Let your child know that you are there for him by just being there. He will recognize at some point that one parent is always there and supportive while the other is not so there and not so supportive.

After saying I wasn't going to comment on the why's of Dad not being involved... it occured to me that perhaps he is uncertain of his ability to handle 2 small children for that long of a period of time.

I believe that rather than an EOW parent, that it is better to have more frequent contact. Perhaps offering one 24 hour period a week rather than eow would be more beneficial to him and the children? something to think about.

JMO
TM

[glittersteph]

My Ex has the kids every weekend. Well, he's supposed to. But I was surprised to find out this week that he wants to see the kids. I am taking them to his house on Sat. morning and picking them up on sunday evening. I am so glad for the boys. I haven't said anything yet, just in case. Not only am I happy for the boys, but I get a break too! Yippee!
Thanks for the advice. My oldest just got done drawing  a picture for his daddy.

[gipsy]

.  " It sounds like a cop out to me"
    I don't think we are talking about at all similar situations . There are many custodial parents that work very hard at disruption .
    I will give you a list of the painfull things this woman would do to My son >
     1 Before I arrived for visits she would tell him things   to  make him fearfull of me , And when he would cry because she was telling him I was going to take him away and hurt him, she would stand there in front of him and I and say " He doesn't wan't to go " Then, He told me what she was saying to get him all worked up ,
   2 She tried to tell the GAL that I had taught my son to masterbate
   3 Made false allegations of domestic violence
   4 Made false allegations of things I [supposedly ] Was saying to My son , And [He told Me] She kept him awake all night before taking him to the GAL to get Him to repeat it .
   5, Has tried to get her boy friend to play Johnny Bad ass , At the transfer and pick a fight with me
   6,Constantly tries to find some reason to have her atty send some threats that they will file contempt etc
    7,Refused to let me see My son with out a court order ,
     8 , Got an asshole atty that will do any idiot thing she ask's
     9,All of her allegations and  additional story telling caused this to go on for three years ,
     10 . Because of her false allegations I had to pay for supervised visits at 50$ per hour
    11 , The end result was that Nothing she said was found to be true ,
 However this all costed with numerous trips to the court house , And atty fee's,
     SO when you say "cop out " I don't think you are talking about the same thing as  you as a mother that wants the father Involved . There are many mean and vendictive people , That will use the kids as a pawn . From what you say in your post you are not one of those , And My answer doesn't fit .I do go see My son And have missed One visit in four years , I take him on vacation with me ,
     I can not identify with a dad that would not go see his kids when the mother is cooperating ,
    But I again say , I can't blame Any man for Giving up In a situation similar to mine and many do , And or run out of money ,This kind of battle costed Me like 15,000$ Plus paying child support , It's Also a matter of finances , And that is the cold hard facts about the  type of situation I had to deal with ,She has wealthy parents and there was no end to her finances ,