Step father badmouthing Bio Father

[mindymindy]

We were just advised by BF's sister that stepfather and BF's son spend the whole car ride (3 hrs one way) back and forth from their fathers talking about the things that his son about the visit, and things that his dad did that irritated him or didnt like.  We do have a bedtime. We don't let him play video games all day.  We do make him read.  We do make him participate in things that we do as a family.  Step father is an immature antaganist.  Step father acts like a buddy to the kids.  He is a skateboarder, and talks like a stoned surfer.  Granted, he may seem more "fun" to the kids because he does not dicipline them. He has called my BF "selfish and self centered" in front of the kids because BF did not want to drive the 3 hours to pick them up one weekend.  We offered to pick them up half way the week before because we were in the area.  They had BF's 9 year old call to see if we planned on meeting them half way again  this week.  The pick up is court ordered.  They get 150.00 extra a month for travel credit for driving.  My questioin is - is there any way that we can stop them from talking bad about us?  The kids admitted that Bio mom and step dad talk about child support at home a lot and say that they can't afford certain foods, clothes... That they can't but new clothes, and have to shop at second hand stores.  They just had new baby, new car (they own 3 now) new computer, digital camera, and a new house within the last year.


The kids were told that their mom does not want to talk to their dad, so her new husband does it.  He is really, really antaganistic, always trying to argue with the dads when the kids are sitting there.  The bio mom and step dad also said that the kids bio dad hates them.

Should we confront these issues through a letter?  Any advice on what would be the best way to bring it up?  The last time we wrote a letter, bio mom responded "my husband is a kind and gentle man"

[Everyside]

I know it sucks but the truth is, there isn't much you can do about the bad mouthing.  Yes, you might be able to get a court order to tell them to stop it, but that wont make them stop.

My DH's divorce has the standard "Neither parent shall denigrate the other parent....blah, blah, blah."  BM and SF still called DH "the bad man" as in "We're sorry the bad man is taking you away from us." or "I know you hate the bad man but the court is making us send you with him."

You can't stop them from doing it so you need to work on your end of it.  

Talk to the children about how much it hurts to have mean things said about you when they aren't true.  

Tell them you are sorry that they are hearing such things and you are very glad they can talk to you about it.

NEVER, EVER engage in the same type of behavior.  The kids will learn the difference between you and the other so called adults.  They will feel safe with you because you don't react to/act like the other people.

Show them by your actions that you are NOT what the other people say you are.

Do not talk about the other household.  Let them know that they can talk to you about their worries/fears or good things that happened to them but you will not listen/participate in gossip about the other family.  Something like "I'm glad you feel you can talk to me/us but we don't talk about other people's situations."  Something age appropriate.  I'm sure other posters will have better resposes to that kind of thing.

Remember, you will drive yourself mad trying to make them act like better people.  They obviously aren't mature reasonable adults and nothing you do will make it so.  Just handle it when you are in your household/during your parenting time and hope that your message of love and acceptance will win out in the end.

Our battle with this has been going on for 8 years.  It is so much better now than it was.  It takes time, patience and perseverence but is worth it.  My SD doesn't believe any of the stuff that BM and SF say about us and they have actually stopped saying most of it now.

Good luck!

[starbud99]

My kids Step father went as far as trying to beat my Wife... at least your not going through all of that! Things will get better... some day-- or so they tell me...

[jilly]

Get the book "Divorce Poison".  I just ordered it from Books-A-Million.  I haven't started reading it yet but it appears to be a very good resource for this type stuff.  It gives you ways to counteract negative comments made about you.

[jilly]

"My kids Step father went as far as trying to beat my Wife..."

As in your current Wife or your ex Wife??  If you mean your current Wife I am absolutely astounded at the audacity of some people!!!  I hope you gave the stepfather a beat down! :D

[starbud99]

as in the person I am married to now, my current wife

[jilly]

Wow!   Absolutely amazing!  What did you do?  Did your wife file a report against the stepfather?