Video taping statements from s-kids - (long, sorry......)

[Im_a_survivor]

I posted a message with Soc, asking about the legal issues around the idea of video taping my step-kids talking about what goes on at Mom's house.  I'm torn between asking the kids to repeat what they've already said on video, in the hopes of having proof of what the kids are saying, versus the guilt I would feel about having put them though something like that.  I would like to hear some views about this situation, but before you respond, here's a few of the facts........

Kids live in Tx with mom and step-dad.  Oldest brother live with us, outside of Tx.  Eldest has been asking to live with us for years.  He started having a lot of problems at home and at school, and finally the school filed a report of suspected emotional abuse at home.  In return for the removal of any financial obligation/responsibility, BM agreed to let the eldest come live with us.

Over the years, all three of the kids have been telling us stories about how their mom and step-dad hit them, call them stupid and ignore their medical and emotional requirements.  One of the kids is on the autism spectrum, which mean he has special needs, which aren't being addressed.    When my husband (their dad) talked to mom about it, she claimed the kids were lying.  When we reported these stories to the CFS authorities, mom managed to convince the investigator that dad was just trying to 'get back at mom'.   when the kids were interviewed, mom wouldn't let them be interviewed alone.  So the investigators went to their schools.  The reports say that one child reported goings on, but the other didn't.  The investigation was closed as 'inconclusive'.  Mom is the "best liar around' (according to the kids), so she is dangerous enough to know what to say to people to sound like a great mom, but once the spotlight is off, it is business as usual.

The kids from Tx are here for the holidays.  The day after their arrival, they started talking about all these horrible stories of what goes on in their house.  However, this time, they have also been talking about how their mom has told them that they are NEVER to talk to ANYONE, outside their house, about what goes on in their house.  The kids are terrified that their mom will find out that they told us about it.  Yet, the kids are looking to us (and in particular, me - SM) for help.

So, I'm thinking about video taping some conversations with the kids, to at least get it on tape.  I'm torn though.  Undertaking this will require me to get the kids to repeat the stories that they have already told me.  How can I get that without appearing as if I am 'leading' them?  Also, I'm feeling guilty about even asking the kids to participate in such an awful exercise.  These kids shouldn't have to think and worry about the things that they are .  But everything we have tried to date hasn't worked out.  I don't know if we would even ever use the tape, but I just feel this need to capture these moments now, because I don't know what is coming down the road.

We don't have the money for a full-scale legal battle and there aren't many options left.

So, with that long-winded explanation, I welcome your feedback (positive or negative)

Thanks in advance

[ocean]

Do you have a therapist you can take them too while they are with you? It is going to hard to start with a new person this holiday week but mybe you already have someone or you know someone who could get you in next week?  DO the kids want to stay with you? How old are they?

[Im_a_survivor]

The 2 kids (who don't live with us) are returning to their mom's house on Jan 3rd.  BTW, Mom decided she wanted to visit OSS, during our visit with the younger two.  So, she is flying up to spend the last week with their older brother.  Didn't seem to matter that this would mean that the three kids wouldn't be together.  Her response to kids was to tell dad that they want to go spend time with their mom and brother in the hotel downtown (even though Mom wouldn't allow dad visitation for almost a year).

In answer to your questions, the two younger kids are 11 and 9 - but very, very immature 11 and 9.  Although I am not a doctor, they look under-developed to me.  Both of them are talking about wanting to live at Dad's house, because they don't feel 'safe' at their mom's house.  The 11 year old (boy), has been talking about wanting to be here for a while.  Mom took him aside and cried and told him that he couldn't leave her because he was her favorite.  The 11 year old knows that according to Tx courts, he will have a say on where he wants to live when he is 12.  But, Mom will argue that he is developmentally incapable of making those decisions because of the autism spectrum thing, even though she is ignoring court-ordered treatment for him.

The 9 year old (girl), will be ten in early January.  I have to admit that I don't necessarily trust her word entirely - partly because she is mom's shadow (when they are getting along).  Plus, she has learned what to say to prompt gifts and toys, and she has the 'cute' thing down pat.  I believe deep under all the confusion, she is a lovely little girl, but she could very quickly go down the wrong road, as she gets older, if for no other reason but to rebel against her mom.  She outright calls her mom a liar (at age 9!!!)  Both kids have told us several times that they don't want to go back.    

In all fairness, I am asking myself if the kids are telling us that they want to stay because they think it will please us........ (it has happened in the past).  But when I match that up to the stories they tell about what goes on, I don't think they are lying (perhaps exaggerating a bit, but not lying).

In answer to your question about a therapist, we have taken the kids to see a therapist one summer - with mom's permission (joint legal custody).  However, she didn't like the diagnosis and then later claimed that she was never consulted and then tried to sue the therapist.  Luckily, we had warned the therapist (psychologist) to expect this kind of thing.  Initially, we think psychologist thought we were a bit extreme in our caution (and that showed up in the final report).  But after the BM put her though h*ll, the therapist actually apologized for not taking us seriously.  But the end of it is that the therapist has refused to see us again because she just doesn't want the headache of dealing with BM, particularly since we aren't on-going clients.  

I do have a friend/colleague who is a trained conflict-resolution professional in the public service.  She is very familiar with our situation.  She might be willing to do the video interview - although I am somewhat reluctant to ask her to get involved in all of this in the middle of Christmas.  

Anyways, a long response to your questions.  Thanks for your patience.