sd is cutting herself

[tulip]

I have no wisdom. I am really sad and confused. For those who don't know me, I have been through hell and back and back to hell again the past few years fighting for my sd (13) and ss (11). Their bm is a wacko who has drug addictions ranging from prescription narcotics to meth. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to the kids for as long as I can remember. DH got custody of them about 2 years ago because her meth addiction was proven to the court. She has had very little contact with them the last couple years. She's supposed to be taking random drug tests and having supervised visits eow, but is not taking the tests and refuses to agree w/dh on a person to supervise visitation, so that really doesn't happen either.

SD is in her third year of middle school. She was in her first year when the custody change happened. At the beginning of that school year, she was "legally" living w/bm, but we were doing everything for her and bm didn't attend any school open houses, conferences or other events since she has been going there. SD has been doing great here. She's been on the A honor roll for three years and is involved in many activities at school and at our church. The past few months, though she's been getting in a lot of trouble at school. It's all been pretty minor things, but it's just been one thing after another. A couple of weeks ago, the school called and told dh that she was cutting her arms. He had a long talk with her that night and was hoping things were getting better, and trying to pay more attention to her. Yesterday they called and said she was doing it again. I looked at her arms and she had several pretty ugly cuts on her wrist. She was doing it with a pair of sharp scissors.

We immediately made arrangements for her to see a counselor, but the person we want her to see was not available for 4 weeks after the first incident. DH hoped that things would improve by then and maybe she wouldn't have to keep the appt. Guess not. She is also set up to join some support group at school. SD is not impressed by any of this and says it will not help her at all. She really seems to have been trying to hide this from us and doesn't want to talk about it. But today, we were at ss's bb game, and bm showed up there. SD went and sat with her and told her all about it. Of course BM freaked out and started cursing out dh for not telling her about it right away. He couldn't tell her if he wanted to because she has no phone.

I think SD is trying to get her mom to pay more attention to her, but we know that she is going to use this against dh to try to prove he's a horrible parent and get custody back. Right now she can't even get her visitation back unless she takes the drug tests she's supposed to. Last time she came to ss's game she was wasted. I could tell she was high, but of course the kids can't because the only way they remember her.

I just don't know what to do. I know there isn't really much else I can do, I guess I just needed to get this off my chest so I can try to sleep tonight.

[lucky]

Keep the counseling appointment.  I don't care if things seem to get better, keep the appointment and continue going to them until the counselor releases your sd from care.

This is a huge cry for help, maybe in part to get her mother to pay attention, but there's way more than that going on tulip.

Trust me on this one -- my dd used to cut herself too.  It CAN get worse, but she also can be helped so don't use a good two weeks to judge by.  These issues aren't going to go away on their own.

I also suggest trying to get an appointment with a child psychiatrist and seeing what he or she has to say.  BUT, if they want to prescribe something, research the medication first for side effects and testing of the drug, etc. for kids your sd's age, THEN make the decision on whether or not to try it.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[ilovemysd]

I don't have time to write a full message, but I wanted to give some encouragement and some info.  Don't cancel the appointment.  Do recognize that this is not something your sd will grow out of.  This is a coping mechanism most likely because she is working so hard not to feel anything about the emotions in her life.  They might be too much for her to handle.  Because of this, she walks around feeling empty.  After a bit, she will feel the urge of the emotions start to come out, and so she will cut, not because it feels good, but because she has to give these emotions an outlet in a way that she can control.  Cutting feels good to her because it is a way to express her anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, you name it.  She will not stop this behavior without therapy to help her learn how to cope with feeling her emotions in a healthy way.

Do not forcibly stop her from cutting unless she is harming her actual life, and I'm not talking about scars on her arm.  You will see that she will pick at the cuts, she will pinch her lips, she will do all sorts of things that are designed to make her feel small amounts of what is filling her.  If you stop her from cutting, she will have no outlet.  This is emotionally dangerous, more so than if she cuts.  If you absolutely need her to stop, give her a "safe" substitute... give her an ice cube and tell her to press it against her skin... this will create a non-scarring, non life threatening substitute, but it will not help in the long run.

There is not getting away from this, and it is not a phase.  Even if she cuts one time, she will move on to more "appropriate" self destructive behaviors - alcoholism, promiscuity, etc.  She needs the counselor, and she needs all of her parents involved.  This is serious s*it, and you can't keep her mother out of it thinking it will pass.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me... I've got lots of experience and knowledge about this subject...

[cathy]

My sd lives with us now after being molested by her stepfather.  She told PBFH about it, and of course, nothing was done and we knew nothing about it until 18 months later when sd finally told me.

Anyway - sd started cutting.  This is not your typical attempt to get attention.  PLEASE do not discount this.  It is not just acting out to get negative attention.  Usually, cutting is done in secret and the cutter tries to hide it.

It is a coping mechanism.  It gives the cutter control over something in their life.  It can be a physical release to emotional pain they can't let out, or are can't allow themselves to feel.

Absolutely keep the appointment with counselor/therapist.  Do a google search on 'teenage cutting' or 'self mutilation'.  There is lots of info out there and information on helping.

Try not to make value judgements.  Don't show anger, surprise, anxiety over this - try to remain calm and nonjudgemental.  Realize that the cutting may continue and the desire to cut may never go away.  Sometimes it can become ingrained - like an addiction.  The cutter may always have to fight the urge to cut.

There are techniques to help the cutter avoid cutting.  Some of these include drawing with a red pen instead of cutting or dropping red liquid to simulate the blood.  Other techniques include substituting something for the pain - like squeezing ice as hard as you can, or snapping a rubber band.  

If the cutter does slip  - you can't freak out.  You can't punish or yell or cry . You have to react calmly and let the cutter know that they are loved, that you understand as best you can.  Emphasize the positive - that it has been x days since you cut, so that is great!   This time it will be longer - and I'm here to help and support you.

Anyway - - - brain dump there - - - - - go search.  The info is out there.

[msme]

We are living this right now. My DGD told someone she was doing this just as the family was leaving on a long weekend trip. We know she chose that moment to make the announcement because she has pulled stunts before to spoil nice things. She has seen a therapist several times but this never came out.

They went on the trip but did not allow her to cover her arms. They got an emergency visit with the therapist, the day after they returned. After talking to her for awhile, he had her admitted to the hospital. She got a rude awakening & had a very hard time following rules.

After 9 days of in house treatment, she is now attending a school that is affilliated with the hospital. They have individual & group sessions as part of the school day.

Unfortunately, her BF is not in the picture & her first step-father was declared a danger to the children & is under a no contact order. She now says that she hates my son because when he married her mother, he made her mother love him more than her.

She is a very troubled 14 year old. Her program is much different than the other poster  spoke of. She signed a contract with her therapist to not cut herself or harm herself. She agreed to ask for extra sessions if it becomes a strong urge & will participate in therapy as long as necessary.

Hope this helps. Whatever you do, do not think this will go away. If you do not treat it agressively, your ex will use it against you.

Good luck & God bless.
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