Show-down -The BM vs. The New Woman

[melissa3]

I'm not sure where to post this - it's just a vent.

I know this site is mostly geared towards NC Fathers but I'm sure my "issue" is one that most people have dealt with.


I live with my fiance who has a daughter with another woman. They broke up (well, she kicked him out) 3 years ago and BM is CP while fiance has some visitation. Right now he only has supervised visitation because of BM's allegations of drug abuse. They are going to court in 3 months.

The problem is BM started this court mess to get rid of me. BM and I have never really met and she knew nothing of me until fiance told her I was his girlfriend. She first started telling my fiance not to bring me around and then denied visitation.  Then she tried to get a court order barring me from visiation. That didnt work so she told the courts fiance was abusing drugs in hopes that I would get fed up and leave. Well I didn't and its a year later.

Two weeks ago we dropped a bunch of toys and a card off at fiances daughter's house as a surprise. BM just shrugged it off and asked when she was going to get a support check. This past weekend daughter was sick so we dropped off flowers, a card, a balloon and some stickers. This time I signed the card.

BM shrugged the gifts off again and told fiance she was seeing someone - a guy BM know's my fiance doesn't like and doesn't think should be around their daughter. She really isn't with anybody, since that was her reason for telling fiance not to bring me around - she doesnt think their daughter should be introduced to all of their "flings." BM was angry I signed the card and that I was trying to be involved.

I think it's really sad that on one hand BM rants that my fiance isn't involved with his daughter but then, on the other hand, she undermines everything he does and won't acknowledge he's a good father!

Isnt the child supposed to be the most important thing? Why is she worried about me signing a card?

This behavior from the BM is hurtfull to us and it's tramatic to their daughter. How should I handle attacks the BM (or CP) makes?

How should my fiance handle the BM when she does this?

[junglechicken]

bm seeking the courts to get rid of you, that's out of my realm of experience, but her being pissed off that you are around and involved...btdt!

It took me a while, but I figured out that since *she* isn't thinking of the kid(s), I should.  So I figured, if she's that upset that I signed something, I'm not going to sign it anymore.  She doesn't want to see me at her residence, I won't go anymore (unless, of course, we are already out when it's time to pick the kids up or drop them off).  I tried not going to their school things because she didn't like that I was there either, but the girls were upset about that so I figured to hell with *her*.

Stepping back made things a lot easier for my sds, and it gave bm a lot less ammo towards me directly.  I would suggest you not go out of your way to do things that make her mad, that don't have to do with things that happen outside of your own home (like signing cards the bm will see, for example).  Then, if she goes out of *her* way to get to you, you seek outside help (the police, if she gets psycho enough.)

Give this bm some time.  She may mellow out.  For us, it's been 6 years, and just last week I was able to have a phone conversation with our bm when she phoned with a message for dh (and it wasn't "Drop dead and rot in hell, you pathetic excuse for a father!"  lol)  Just kinda lay low in the meantime and think of the little girl first, not what the bm is or should be doing.

[topnotchdad]

I, too, have been there, done that.  In my case, BF and BM were never married--not even in a relationship.  When BM found out, she immediately started making our lives a living hell.   Calling the cops, our employers, our parents making false accusations about us, etc.  It was really, really tough.

Fast Forward 6 years, and she is still evil.  She will never change.  I agree that the best thing to do, even though it SUCKS, is to go out of your way to try not to make her mad.  Don't sign the cards, don't go with BF to pick her up, etc.  I have found that, while I HATE having to do it, making nice with BM is the best way to get her to cooperate with us.  And for about 2 years, the best way I made nice with her was to downplay my relationship with BF and with DSD.  I have learned a lot from having to deal with her, and it has taught me a lot of patience, how to swallow my pride, and how to "smile and nod."

Work on getting your visitation established--get as much as you can.  You may not get full custody or 50/50 right now, but getting EOW (or 3/4 Weekends), Summer and Holiday would be better than supervised visitation.   Pay your child support, BF needs to go to school stuff, DR appointments, take her to church and activities, etc.  DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.  IF BM is harassing you, record your conversations, etc.  Then when BM finally does something to warrent Change of Circumstances (i.e. drug-dealer boyfriend moves in), you will be ready with documentation of everything, to prove that BF is the better parent.

In the meantime, remember that kids are smarter than we give them credit for.  If you love your soon-to-be DSD, she will see this, and she will love you, too.  If she tells you "Mommy doesn't like you" or "Mommy says I shouldn't love you."  Just tell her that she has a big heart, and she has room in her heart for her mom and dad AND for you, too.  My DSD started realizing around Kindergarten/1st grade that BM was always hateful and talking bad about us, and that's ALL she did.  We took DSD on vacations, to sports and lessons, ate lunch at school from time to time, etc.  She knows what's going on.  Kids are smart.

Good luck.  And remember you're not the only one.  And you'd better love this guy a whoooole lot, because remember that once you get "attached" to his daugher, if you guys should split up (God forbid), you will have absolutely no rights to see DSD anymore.  Hate to add that part in, but it's true, so make sure that you realize that.

[gipsy]

To keep it really simple : It appears to me that some people really search for Drama in their lives , And What seem to be the best is to  intentionaly not give them any reason to create drama ,
   And what really F@##% 's up my psycho is stick with facts . And I mean the simple ones :
  As In I have a right to School counseling and medical records ,
  So I ask her for the name of the Counselor , She starts off with the Drama , I say , I have a legal right to it  By the laws of the state of washington  , Talk to your atty ,and walk away ,
   No Drama .  She must have talked to her atty ,.and then gave me the info ,
  She has been Dramatic about every issue , And the Commissioner and the judge has decided what they decide and her drama has done her no good , And has costed her money , I have learned to do the necessary things leave the rest out , And take her to court on the legal issues ,
  She has had no reason to start up a drama scene and I have little problems with her , SOOO
   My two cents , Don;t talk to her or engauge her . or even acknowledge her , And she has no reason for the drama , When you get use to this then it is better ,  .
  Then if she follows the usuall she will pull the kids into the Drama and then  the kids will be saying things that let you know she is doing this ,
 Don't act on this in any way that the kids will repeat any thing to her , See I think the sicko's even go for the third party drama through the kids , DON"T do this either !! ,, When I tell my son good things about his mom It seems to deflate the whole thing ,
 

[MixedBag]

You have already been given some wonderful advice.

My DH's EX is like that to me too and it's been over 9 years.  BUT she's finally come around to accepting that while their son is here, I'm allowed to be "like a mom" to him.

We also had a civil conversation on the day after their son arrived here for spring break.  She said that they were in such a hurry to leave to get to the airport that son forgot his meds.  So she gave me the perscription info and I asked "Will you be home for the next hour or so if I have problems getting these for him I can call?"  She stayed calm and said yes.

See...I should have asked "Will you be home ..... so if Dad has problems getting them for him HE can call you?"....Dad needs to do everything in her eyes, so you see the difference?  But hey, I went into automatic mode which focuses on the children and she didn't flip a gourd for the first time.

I could have been mean to her on the phone -- see the drama that unfolded before he came that got posted on the Father's page by my DH a while ago, but bit my tongue and stayed focused on the child.

[notnew]

You and your BF cannot stop what she will say to the child about the two of you. You two can only keep your interactions with the child consistent. Keep conversations about BM to a minimum. However, as the child gets older, you will have to counter some of the BS that will be put into the child's head. Not talking about the lies her mother will tell her will cause the child to believe them eventually. That does not mean you have to be confrontational with her or talk about it all the time. Also, confronting the BM will get both of you nowhere and will most likely result in court action so don't give her the pleasure.

I know it is frustrating. You cannot let her see how her actions are affecting you. The affect her actions have on you both will come and go over the years. Don't let it bother you too much, it's not worth your time.

How in the heck did he wind up with supervised visitation?  You got a lawyer who is letting this thing go for 3 months?  Sounds to me like your BF is getting shafted as far as maintaining contact with his child unless her allegations had some truth to them?

Be careful of what gets agreed to NOW in the early stages. It is very hard to change agreements made at the last moment becuase one party is being difficult. Thinking you will put a temporary fix on a problem and get it worked out later on is a fantasy. Push for the full agreement that your BF feels he can live with and dont' compromise unless the Court makes that decision for him.

Good Luck!

[melissa3]

The lawyer we had previously was a (enter own vulgarity.) We ditched him about a month ago (about 6 months too late!!!) and got a better one. He screwed us really bad in the beginning by not questioning the evidence BM had when she said fiance was abusing his prescription. Now we have supervised visitation and fiance has to go to substance abuse evaluation. It's really tough because everything is so expensive!! We've already gone back to court on contempt for child support but again our old laywer screwed us becuase he wasn't prepared for the hearing.

 
Anyway, the daughter is what counts. I feel that if SD want's me to be around then who cares about what BM wants!! Both my fiance and his daughter want me around to be invovled. If you think about it, it's three to one, us against BM.

One thing that keeps gnawing at me is I don't believe we (SD, fiance and I) should tip-toe around BM in order to not hurt her feelings. I mean should SD's heart be broken everytime I miss dance recitals because BM is a whiney pain in the ass?? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sit well with me, you know?

I really drives me nuts to hear BM preach that she only has her daughter's best interest at heart and then she turns around and ruins things becuase I was involved.

For example, BM completely destroyed a lovely day at the lake just because I was there. It was Wednesday visitation (5pm-8pm) and fiance and I decided to pick SD up early from daycare to go boating. Well, the daycare lady told BM that I was there at pick-up and BM drove 45min out of the way to the lake house to get her daughter. Note: BM wasn't supposed to talk to the daycare lady that day. Bm was attempting to pick SD up before fiance did so she could deny visitation. Good thing we got there early!!

It was so sad that when BM pulled up to the lake house, SD came running up to me begging me not to let her Mom take her home!!!! It was traumatic to SD but fortunately she still enjoys time with her father and I.

To be honest, I really have no idea what BM will be like after this court mess is over. I think I should continue being involved with SD, if she wants me to, and just let BM spin her tires. SD is really intelligent and I'm sure she knows that her it's her Mom who is making things difficult.

I'm not going to instigate BM but I'm not going to ignore SD either. Is there a happy medium????

[ocean]

Yes there is and you have to choose your battles. For now, lay low unless it is a big event (dance recital). Have your BF deal with her and all letters should come from him (even if you write them! LOL). We all been there. It takes a while for things to level off and then there will still be ups and downs. When you have something solid from the courts regarding visits hopefully it will get easier. Have the new plan detail times, dates, and pick-ups (especially from schools). It needs to be specific in order for the schools to let BF/you pick her up. Good luck!

[topnotchdad]

>
>One thing that keeps gnawing at me is I don't believe we (SD,
>fiance and I) should tip-toe around BM in order to not hurt
>her feelings. I mean should SD's heart be broken everytime I
>miss dance recitals because BM is a whiney pain in the ass??
>I'm sorry, but that doesn't sit well with me, you know?

I suggest that you go to the recitals, but come a little late, and sit in the back, and then leave as soon as it's over.  Maybe BM won't see you.  You will know you were there.  You can tell DSD you were there, but sat in the back (you can even take pictures or a program so she'll know for sure in case BM tells her you weren't there).  But don't make it a big deal you were there.  IT SUCKS but you just have to suck it up for awhile and do it.  I know this from experience.  Don't go to the lessons unless you know BM won't be there (for now).


>
>I really drives me nuts to hear BM preach that she only has
>her daughter's best interest at heart and then she turns
>around and ruins things becuase I was involved.
>
>For example, BM completely destroyed a lovely day at the lake
>just because I was there. It was Wednesday visitation
>(5pm-8pm) and fiance and I decided to pick SD up early from
>daycare to go boating.

Now, see, in the future, let DAD pick up SD, and then stop by the house (or wherever) and pick you up.  If BM doesn't want you at daycare, then just don't go unless you're the only one available to pick up SD or something.  IT SUCKS, but you have to suck it up for now.   BF used to drop me off down the block, go pick up SD, then they'd come back and pick me up.  THat way I wasn't in the car and BM couldn't throw a fit.  IT SUCKS, but just remember that you are doing it for the kid, not for BM.  SD doesn't want BM to hate you.....so help facilitate that by not doing stuff that will make her mad.  You're just going to have to stop thinking about principles, and suck it up.  Sorry, but it's true....


Well, the daycare lady told BM that I
>was there at pick-up and BM drove 45min out of the way to the
>lake house to get her daughter. Note: BM wasn't supposed to
>talk to the daycare lady that day. Bm was attempting to pick
>SD up before fiance did so she could deny visitation. Good
>thing we got there early!!
>

[ilovemysd]

You're just going to have to stop thinking about principles, and suck it up. Sorry, but it's true....

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement.  Not thinking about principles is how our society has gotten into this mess in the first place.  Not thinking that the family is a necessary unit, not thinking that fathers are necessary, not thinking that it is absolutely vital to show children strong examples of what a family looks like is disastrous to the future of our children and their children.

This is not about BM or SM, this is about SD, and she needs to see a strong father figure who leads his family.  She needs to see how two supportive parents work together.  She needs to understand what a mom is supposed to do, and a mom is not suppose to allow her child to be hurt, emotionally or physically.  If the BF and SM in this situation do not show this child these things, she will not understand, and it will be all too easy for her to forget any principles she has when the road gets rocky in her marriage, or when the chance for a one night stand comes up, or when she can cheat on a test, etc., etc.  If we stand for nothing, we fall for everything, right?

Our goal here should be to teach our children how to have a strong marriage.  A strong marriage does not look like someone sneaking around the back of an auditorium, or avoiding conflict just to make an irrational being happy.

My SD is going through some horrendous internal conflict right now, and it would be so easy to let her off the hook and tell her that she's only 11 and she doesn't have to deal with this crap.  But I'm telling you, it is not the easy times that build our characters, it is the horrendous, sticky times, and that is when we need to teach our children to stand up for what is truly right.

As much as you might not want to see the SD begging you to not make her go back to her mom, allowing your SD to see the consequences of irrational and spiteful behavior is truly the best way to teach her not to be irrational and spiteful.  If you reward BM by giving in to her behavior, SD sees that the behavior is the best way to get what she wants.

The truth is never, ever something to hide from.  Don't teach your SD to do that.