When to correct BM's lies

[Mamacass]

So, we're not sure how involved to get on this one.  SS came home from his mom's for the weekend, and starts talking about how he has 3 brothers.  Then I guess he felt the need to explain that he has his 2 brothers at our house and his other brother that his mommy had.  (She gave up this child at birth 5 years ago.)  Apparently she has made a big deal out of the fact that he has this othe brother that he's never met.  I honestly think he's a little young (7 y/o) to understand the whole thing, but you can't tell BM that.  

Anyways, he starts talking about his other brother, and how its his older brother.  He tells us that this child was from the husband mommy had before she was married to daddy.  That since they got divorced they couldn't keep the child.

Now in actuality BM dated and lived with the adopted childs dad for a few months while she was pregnant.  They were never married b/c the divorce between her and DH wasn't final until about a year after that child was born and by then she had moved on to a different man.  She gave up the baby because the dad was a drug addict and she knew that she couldn't care for the child on her own and she knew that by giving up the child she could provide a better life for SS than if she kept the kid.  (This is what she admitted to me).  

So now we're not sure whether to correct SS's info, or let him believe her lies.  A part of me thinks that since it is fact not opinion, we should correct his information.  But then a part of me thinks that he'll eventually find out the truth and then he can draw his own conclusion about why mommy lied to him and that way we aren't involved.  I get the idea that when he is old enough to understand he is going to be really embarassed about his mom's life.  

I wouldn't worry about it, except he brings this topic up a lot lately.  I think she must be talking about it to him a lot and I think it may have to do with the fact that she is pregnant now (although not sure why that would spur her to talk about this other child).  

Anyways, what do y'all think, should we correct his misinformation, or just continue to change the subject?

[Sunshine1]

Our counselor told us to correct.  Our BM has a new story every flippin visit.  Most we ignore but when they start to get out of hand we have to correct.

Now the kids are 9 and 10 and they are on to her.  Now we ask them if what was said sounds reasonable, or even logical as compared to what they were told last time and they have figured it out all by themselves.  They want to know the truth and the counselor told us to always tell them the truth.

[FatherTime]

I wouldn't necessarily change the subject.  I would let him talk about it as much as he wants to talk about it. I wouldn't elaborate on this issue, however.  I would let him take the role of informing you of his other brother.  It seems that he brings up the topic and when he does, I think that the best thing to do would be to listen to his statements, concerns and questions and confirm that his interest, concerns and curiosity are all valid feelings.  

Confirm to him about how much he is loved and that he has nothing to worry about.  ( he may be afraid that he may lose his two other brothers )  

I would let him take it as far as he feels that he needs to investigate and resolve this issue.

I definitely wouldn't lie to him or say anything that would make him think less of his bio mom.  Also, a quote from a good friend of mine.

"It is what it is."

Just my opinion.  
I'm not an attorney, therapist, counselor or authority on any matters.

It's...

[notnew]

7 is a little young to begin the mommy said game. I've been there and in my case, I corrected my child when the lies began (6 YO). BM was and continues to be on a massive PAS campaign that has pretty much successful at this time (I hope that at a later date, my child will come to realize that I do care and I am sure counseling will be necessary at some point in time). This has been going on for 7 years now. What correcting the lies resulted in was my child believes everything BM says (no matter how many lies she's been caught in) and has absolutely no trust of anyone else including me (no matter that I've never lied).

To me, this is unreal being that child has come to me and others in my family, with no provoking (like leading questions by me or family members) and spoken about feelings of hurt and anger at BM's lies, yet, continues to repeat them over and over. To top it off, when one of us brings up a situation in conversation that the child told us about, the question will pop up "how do you know about that?" - uh, you told us remember? Answer "no, I didn't". So, the behavior patterns have been passed from grandmother, to mother, to child. It is a sick pattern that I have been unable to break.

So, in my opinion, the best thing to do is be non-committal with statements such as "oh yeah? Well, I really don't know your mom other than through you and your dad so I don't know what has happened in her life".  Or something to that effect.

JMHO

[Mamacass]

See, that's what we're worried about, that if we correct the lies, he'll be left to choose who he's going to believe.  If he chooses mommy that will lay the groundwork for him to distrust what we tell him going forward.  

It is just so annoying to watch his mom lie to him.  Although I guess this lie is minimal compared to some other damage she's done to him.  I swear that woman cannot wrap her mind around the fact that this child is a CHILD.  She doesn't seem to understand that some conversations are not age appropriate for a 7 y/o.  Funny though, she paints such a rosy picture for the kid.  Somehow she makes it sound like a good thing for her to have been married 4 times (2 times by law, the other 2 were boyfriends that she lies and says were husbands), and is on her 3 child by the 3rd father. And all this in 7 years.  Like I said, when he is old enough, I'm sure he's going to be embarassed.  

Anyhow, that leaves us where we started, just changing the subject.  Because we don't want to correct him, and we don't want to agree with the lies, b/c we are lying to him too.  I guess at 7 years old it is more important for him to trust people than to know the truth.  When he is old enough for the truth to be more important, we'll let him know.  

[backwardsbike]

I tend to agree with Fathertime.  I am in a sitch were my Dh is bipolar.  A lot has happened in our case.  My Dh's history isn't pretty- not at all.  Bu thehas come a long way and has grown much more stabel and is a good parent to the two children of our marriage who live with us.  But my X husbnad who has custody of the two children from my marriage to him and his wife feel the need to "corrent" everthing they  think is a lie.  The hcildren wer eonly 7 and 5 when i left X.  They felt the need to dig into DH's prior record adn tell the children all about every drug rehab DH has ever been to.  They felt the need, in the interest of "informing the hcildren because its thier right to know" to tell them that Dh "assaulted" me when his illness got out of hand and I called th epolice for assistance because he pushed me onto a couch.  The children weree NOT present and I wa NOT injured.  My Dh got medical help and onto the proper medications and the issue was resolved.  But we wee not told that X adn SM told the kids about the "assault" so my kids worried for years about me adn whether or not I was safe in my own home.  No wonder they told a custody evlautor all kninds os negative adn untrure stuff about Dh.

Pay attention to the child.  Listen to his CONCERNS.  What does it matter why she gave up the child?  Does th echild actually care if she was promiscous?  She's still his mommy.  She'll always be.  When he's older, if he hears different infor it will be up to mom to explain to him then- if it matters to him.

My X wanted to keep the children from coming to my home.  Not becasue ehw as worried about anyone's saftey  but becasue PAS is huge in our case.  In the ned, the children have never missed a visit.  The only result is that they were unnecessairly frightened for a long time until I found out what they had been told and they harbored ill feeling against my Dh while still having to come here for visits.

The judge just recently reprimandedmy X for showing the children court documents.  Now they are 14 and 17.  And X only got a slap on the wrist.

[HelpingHands]

Poor kid probably thinks divorce equals giving your baby away. Mom's pregnant and now the kid is probably worried his mother will give the new baby away too.  Some things need to be kept to a minimum until they are old enough. Sounds like BM doesn't understand her child's maturity level.


You can turn it into a positive by stating : Your mommy did a great thing, she made a family very happy by letting him(older brother) live with them. Sometimes you have to make decisions to do what's best and at that time, your mommy thought it was best to make that family very happy.

What's BM going to say to that?  The child will understand that it's not a 'bad' thing to give a child up for adoption, it will clarify a little better what happened, and it will possibly get mom to stop belittling DH and placing blame. When this child says to mom; that was a really nice thing to do to make a family happy- I can't see any rational person say: no, it wasn't nice, it's horrible, I didnt want to it was x,y,z because of the divorce. KWIM?

Have you asked if he's worried about the new baby being placed up for adoption?

[Mamacass]

So we weren't looking to tell him why Mommy didn't keep the other kid.  We were just trying to decide whether to correct him and say that the brother is younger, and that Mommy wasn't really married to the baby's dad.  Not such a bad idea, when you consider that anyone I know that has ever met this guy describes him as pure trash.  

She tells a lot of lies, in fact she told everyone last year that she was married, and turns out they weren't ever actually married.  I'm guessing part of the reason she lied is b/c she knows our stance on letting men live with her that she isn't married to.  (And I don't know how it is in other areas, but judges here aren't too keen on live-in b/f and g/f's.)

There are a lot of things about BM that we don't tell SS.  No, we wouldn't dream of telling him about her charges.  He knows, and my kids know that I don't want her around my children.  But do I tell them it's b/c she made threats to harm me and my pregnancy last year.  No, I don't tell her dirty little secrets.  

We aren't trying to tell him anything to make her look bad.  We are just trying to figure out if its worth it to correct him on the timeframe of events, and who is related to him. He's already very confused about marriage.  He asked me once " if marriage is forever, how come my mom gets married and divorced, like all the time"

Funny though, a lot of the stuff that your ex tells the kids, sounds like stuff BM tells SS about her relationships. Last year he would come over with all these stories, about BM's "husband" and the arguments they would have.  He would tell us who said what and all this crazy stuff.  I would say "wow that's pretty tough, I'm sure that upset you.  What did you do when that happened?"  His reply?-- Nothing, I was at school or Daddy's house.  When I asked him how he knew that stuff happened, he would get very proud.  "Oh my mommy told me.  She tells me everything b/c I'm her buddy."    Funny, she said to me once.  "he's my buddy.  He's been with me through it all."  He's also a child and doesn't need to know everything about her life.

Oh by the way, BM is bipolar too.  I understand that isn't necessarily a bad thing, you just have to learn to control it.    She, however, uses it as an excuse for everything.  Last year SS teacher told us she was concerned about his behavior, and that he was regressing academically.  BM jumps in and starts with, "well you know I'm bipolar, so..."as if thats an excuse.   She woukd forget who was supposed to have SS when, and overslept to pick him up from school.  Her excuse?  I'm on medication ,you know I'm bipolar.  Then she tells us, I've never forgotten anything that was really important.  Yeah, ok.

[Tennessee Dad]

We also deal with a BM that is less than truthful, and also prone to tell our daughter things that she really doesn't need to know (she is now 9).  Such as, at the age of 5, her Mom had a hysterectomy, and described it to DD in vivid detail.  And BM wanted to bring her uterous home in a jar (told Dr. it belonged to her!), to show the kids.  Heck, DD couldn't even pronounce the words!  But she did know their DOG (whom BM insisted was DD's "sister") had the same procedure done.  Talk about crazy!

My opinion is don't "change the subject".  Let SS talk, as much as you can stand it anyway.  That's his way of "getting it off his chest", and therefore dealing with the subject.  We correct the information IF we believe DD is being harmed by the mis-information.  If the lies only affect BM, we let them ride; we just shake our head when DD tells what BM has said, maybe chuckle a little, and let DD figure it our on her on in due time.  But, if lies concern us, and our relationship with DD, then we correct (to the extent DD can understand, anyway).  

Example, just recently SM, my older daughter and DD9 were going shopping, and DD brought up the "fact" that BM is "giving" Dad money for her college fund.  They asked what she was talking about, that BM isn't giving Dad money for anything.  I did not ask for child support, and did not receive anything as BM had not worked for 3 years prior to my receiving custody.  BUT, SM has recently been approved for disability, and was incensed that I was to receive a check for DD's benefit.  Called me everything in the book, and claimed I was taking HER money; but I never asked for anything, nor was I aware she had applied for benefits for DD.  So, wife explained (and older daughter confirmed) that the "government" was giving Dad money, which was being spent to take care of DD's needs (such as the new dresser for her room, and lots of new clothes, including some she had taken to BM's house!).  But that Mom had never PAID anything to Dad!  Then, they let it drop, for DD to mull over. Evidently, BM was telling SD that she "told" SSA to send money for Dad, and he was supposed to be putting it in the bank for her college fund.  (We think BM would like that, and if she ever got custody of DD, the "college fund" would come with her, JMHO!).

I don't know why BM's do this.  I feel, in our case, BM has lost control and will do anything in her power to regain control, or make it as hard as possible on me because of it.  Yes, there are PAS symptoms at work.  Things like "You took me away from my Mom", and "Mom misses me and doesn't get to see me enough" (although BM doesn't take all the  time when she is supposed to have DD).  I know my battle will be ongoing for another 9 years, and beyond!

Hang in there; we just try our very best to consistantly reassure DD that "everybody" loves her, and all we want to do is make sure she is taken care of.  

[mistoffolees]

>Poor kid probably thinks divorce equals giving your baby
>away. Mom's pregnant and now the kid is probably worried his
>mother will give the new baby away too.

I think you've hit on something there. Don't worry about what the mother says or whether it's true or not. Rather, concern yourself with what might be going through the kids' heads.

Kids are fearful of the unknown. Try to focus on what concerns them and address that rather than worrying about what the mother is saying.