Moral Quandry

[FLMom]

I'd really love to get some advice on this.

In 2000 my ex and I divorced. We shared pretty much equal time with our kids and there was no CS either way.

Then, in 2003 both my ex and I remarried within a month of each other. That's when things went downhill. His new wife was well versed in the ways of CS and custody, and because I had stupidly made him the primary even though we both had joint legal and joint custody, she showed him how to use it against me. Thanks to the lawyer he found, he was advised to only let me see our kids EOW.

It took a year to get to court, and a year of sheer hell of only seeing the kids EOW. We hammered out an agreement that in exchange for me paying him CS I could have the kids more. Within a month of that agreement going into place, I realized that it was a dumb move for me to agree to pay him CS. I soon realized that with the amount of time I have the kiddos and the amount of money the ex and I make, he should be paying ME CS. I have kept my mouth shut since 2004 and just paid the CS----afraid that if I balk he'll find a way to take the kiddos from me again. Luckily I have a wonderful hubby. My check largely goes for just CS, and my hubby takes care of 95% of everything else, including all of the little things teens need.

I saw my lawyer last fall, and explained the CS thing and why I had decided to do nothing about it until our oldest turned 18 (also last fall). He fussed at me, saying that I should have started filing a mod prior to the b-day, so it would go into effect by the time she graduated this summer. Court cases take that long here.

So, last fall I finally screwed up enough courage to call the ex and see if we could come to some agreement. Before I even made the call, the kiddos told me that he and his new wife were splitting up. I didn't believe this at first, until I went to pick them up and saw a for sale sign on their house. Back into wait mode I went. Even though he's a so-and-so, I couldn't see compounding his issues then, cause it would come back to add more stress to an already stressful situation.

Fast forward to now. It's now February, and I still haven't approached him. Although per the kids, the divorce papers are filed, they can't sell their house. I know why----and it's not gonna sell for months at this rate. Everything they have is tied up in that property.

I've GOTTA get this stuff in the works. GOTTA. But here we are, with the kiddos not even knowing where they're gonna live in the next few months. It'll be the same county, but their whole worlds are in upheaval. I feel like a skunk if I hit him with a mod during this low point, but my lawyer has said that now IS the time to hit him with this to get what I want. I've been trying to wait this our since last fall. I really want to do the right thing here, and so far I feel like waiting HAS been the right thing, but has anyone here had a senior in high school? The amount of the CS alone is what she needs to pay for everything from a prom dress to the senior trip. Not to mention the needs of the other two!

Then last night, I had a horrific thought. You know the old saying, "The devil you know is better than the devil that you don't". OMG. What if the next future Mrs. X that comes along is even more cutthroat than THIS one was?! Maybe I should approach him now, even though my gut is still telling me to wait.

ARGHHHHHH. This has been killing me for weeks now. Add to that, ex and I are actually waving to each other at drop-offs and pick-ups now, and having moderately pleasant phone conversations, albeit one minute ones.

I need some advice and outside reasoning here. Any help or opinions are greatly appreciated!

FLMom

[MixedBag]

If you've waved like that...

Surely he's expecting a possible change once the 18 year old graduates high school and departs????

I'd start by asking if you two could talk about it and stuff.

I'd get some numbers ready and ask him to talk about it.

Mainly because you have an "independent" legit reason that has nothing to do with his split from his current wife.

It's not like you're saying "he's getting a divorce and so now I'm gonna file for a modification" -- you've got the child who turned 18.  Focus on that and never mention the divorce.

Actually letting him know (or letting the courts tell him) what his future CS will be that he's receiving is a GOOD thing if he has to look to his future budget after the house sells.

[FLMom]

Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm sure he's expecting something to happen sometime, but he's been kinda aloof about proceedings subsequent to the last court order. For instance, he went to DOR and tried to get them involved after I was supposedly late with CS. During a phone conversation a few weeks later he (honestly!) asked me why we had gone to court and why it had happened. So while I think he may be waiting, he may just think that this order will stay as is until the youngest is an adult.

I had thought today about just calling him to say "hi" and let him know I'd lend an ear if he needed it, then I saw your post. You're right. I need to keep this as a business conversation. Period.

Your right too about him needing to know what his budget is going to be. I didn't even think of it like that.

Thanks!
FLMom

[MixedBag]

when you turn something around and make it "benefit" the other parent, they are more apt to listen.

Learned that in college and it's amazing how it works in every day life.

You personally, couldn't (shouldn't) care about his budget, but HE sure cares.

"Getting to Yes" was an awesome book that applies all the way around.
Turning situations into "win/win" motivates the other party to come to the table and talk.

[FLMom]

That's a book I haven't read yet. I'll have to head to Barnes and Nobles and either find it or get them to order it.

I'm just amazed that I never thought about it "helping" him. I just didn't want to add more to his plate. I guess in hindsight I'd be adding more if it came from out of the blue.

BTW---it took me forever on this site to figure out about PM's. I did get yours many moons ago, lol, about another issue.

Thanks bunches!!
FLMom

[MixedBag]

try e-bay for books too.

Cheaper.