Rant...

[gemini3]

We have spent the last six to eight months reading everything we can about custody litigation, mediation, co-parenting, etc... and the thing that fustrates me the most is that the people who write the majority of these articles, and the judicial system itself, seem to be working from a psoition that both parties are capable of co-parenting effectively.  I find this ridiculous.

From what I are reading, up to one third of parental disputes are enduring and high conflict.  That's a tremendous number, and there seems to be no remedy.  Everything I've seen seems to be "can't we all just get along" - and it's crap.  If we could all get along, we probably wouldn't be divorced in the first place.

When one parent is bent on creating conflict and interfering with another parents relationship with their child - to the point of breaking the law in many cases, harrassment, spying, slander and libel, false allegations of abuse - something should be done.  No one is standing up for the parents who are victims of these campaigns.  No one is paying attention to the fact that these peoples lives are being destroyed by someone who is bent on causing them problems.  They are being harassed, financially drained, and emotionally and mentally abused by a person who has control over the thing that they hold most dear - thier children.  It's wrong, and the judicial system does nothing to protect them. Nothing.  

We are being emotionally, mentally and financially drained by this... and all my fiance wants is to be able to love and provide for his children.  If he gave in and let his ex run him out of his children's lives, he would be villified for being an absent father.  If he stopped paying child support, he would be a deadbeat dad.  If he lost his temper after being pushed to the limit by this situation he would be called abusive or hostile.  But he does everything he can to fight for his relationship with his kids, and he gets nothing for it.  

He is wrong no matter what he does.  If he fights for his children he's wrong.  If he was to let them go, he would be wrong for that too.  It's crap, and it's so hard to fight against these odds all the time.  I am tired of it, and I have resources and support that I know a lot of people don't have.  I can't imagine what it must be like for people who can't afford a lawyer to fight all of this, or who don't have a good support system.  

[notnew]

I know I've responded to many of your posts in the past and I bet  you sometimes thought I was wrong or bitter or just dumb. I know I come across as not very optimistic most of the time. I never encourage anybody to give up on their kid, but I do tell them you have to know when it's time to stop.

I've stopped. It's sad and it's empowering. Now, I can live my life everyday without the cloud of "what will the court do next, what will the ex do next, what will the lawyer do next, how will we pay for this, will my child act like an ass this weekend or the sweet child I know is in there", going through my mind every minute of every day.

Do I still think about my child. Every single day. I worry. I hope. Yet, I know that the outcome is through no action of mine and I have no ability to control things. So, I just have to push it aside if it starts to get too big.

All of the things you are angry about are true. It's a sad reality. I am saddened every time a new member joins my "given up dad" group. I hope things eventually work out for the best for you and your fiance'. In the meantime, you have my sympathies.

[Kitty C.]

And I just had a thought............

I think a copy of this should be sent to EVERY legislator, family law atty., and judge in this entire country.........EVERY state.  The judicial and legislative systems in this country literally have their heads in the clouds and I find it hard to believe that there isn't some among them that HAVEN'T gone through a contested divorce or custody dispute.  Just more proof that the 'family court machine' is much more a money-maker for the attys. than a way for couples to come to terms and some 'amicable' agreement in regards to the break-up of their relationship and/or how to co-parent.

And that's MY rant of the day.............

(Thanks for providing the soapbox, gemini!)

[notnew]

Thanks. Now, I've just received my kids report card in the mail. Straight E's. What a bummer. Maybe we can send these types of things to the courts as well.

Let's hope that Mr. Baldwin is able to get the word out a little on what it's really like for those of us involved in this mess.

[Sunshine1]

Hey wait...What grade is the child in??  E's mean "Excellent" in our neck of the woods?

Maybe you read it wrong???   :)

[notnew]

E's mean excellent in elementary school. That is not what we are talking about here. In Junior High and High School, E means failure. I think it is stupid that they just don't call them F's like they used to.

No, I didn't read it wrong. This is not the first marking period this has happened. An automatic failure for the year.

BTW - Not sending your child to school is not neglect. It can be prosecuted by the State's Attorney as a crime should they so choose (which isn't enough IMHO).

I was also told by a judge that the school situation alone was not enough to transfer custody. Good job upholding the No Child Left Behind crap!

What a wonderful world we live in!

[dipper]

Notnew...it is sad to read  your post, but I can empathize with you...at some point you have to make a decision - the ongoing battle or a life.  You know, I remember Soc used to make statements to that fact...live your life.....

My dh and I were consumed for three years and it finally did work out where he got custody.  It didnt stop bm's games though and we have still had a lot of stress..I still drive up in the yard looking at my doors for a summons, but dh says he doesnt think about that much anymore...

Best wishes

[Sunshine1]

I was being a smart ass.  :)  I knew what the E meant.  Seriously?  A child completely failing school is not enough?  Man, if our kids were failing that would be all it would take for them to go back to BM.

Judges suck.  Are you stuck with the same one or do you get a new one every time you file?

[backwardsbike]

I'm with you on this!  And don't forget that the parent who are allowed to get away with the lack of cooperation and conflict making are not only not punished- they are rewarded because the court often says,"We can't contemplate joint custody in such a conflictual situation. It just wouldn't work."  So the uncooperatve NC remains CP.  Why would they stop doing what gets them so much?

[backwardsbike]

Do you have room in your group for a given up mom?  I'm at exactly where you were andi'm following the same road.  Finally the pain of holding on became greater than the fear of letting go.  For me the point casme when the kids finally, blatently, began participating in the false allegations.