Not a marriage, not yet a divorce...

[mindovermatter]

I hate to say it, but I'm at a point right now where im the weakest, scrounging around for the last bit of strength with this crap. I just feel like she took my heart out and stepped on it. We've been having some problems, we still are its continuous fighting and disagreements with no signs of resolving them. I put it on my mom, I've tried my best to strengthen the communication department. But its like she put up some barrier around her. Basically, my wifes in the navy and I was staying home watching the baby(5 months,girl, I love her to death). Well we were having issues like always fights and arguments about cultural differences, personal beliefs, general stuff that would cause confllict.  Anyways, were stuck out here in washington because thats where she's stationed but My hometown is southern california. So we were having problems and she up and said she wanted a divorce, she doesn't want to try anymore, I asked her if shes sure she said yes, okay. So I'll be honest, I freaked out and left to california. I was down in california for 2 weeks, luckily I have my 2 wonderful sisters that I love more than anything woke me up and made me realize what I've done. 2 weeks later I am back in washington with the baby and wife(feels like I dont even know her, very fucking awkward), so I'm back at home mind racing a mile a minute trying to hold myself up through all of this. First night I come back she tells me that shes going out with her friends(all guys, one chick)supposebly they are just all friends I dont know but she didnt come back last night and didnt get home till 4pm the next afternoon, find out from her friend she was drunk and passed out. She has tons of different shirts and makeup that she never had before, shes basically acting like she is single. If it doesnt get any worse, her mother is yelling and screaming at me telling me I'm a bad father and chloe doesnt need to be with me and shes going to call the cops and have her taken away from me. So I snapped, she hit my bowling point she pushed around my heart, my baby, I told her to call the cops and do whatever the fuck she wants because I am alive right now for my fucking daughter. I realize I shouldnt have said that but all of her mothers accusations of me are false, she never got to know me her only information about me is from my wife and she only talks to her mother when were having problems. My wife is breaking my heart I wish I pray to god to show me what to do, to shine some light on this but theres no fucking light to be found. I have too many people against me and everybody(including her work, from her mother calling them sayin lies). And it's just me and my baby I just feel so alone in this all I want is for us to work but the rational man in me knows that is not possible, she doesnt want it, she doesnt want me.

Chloe baby, your the reason I'm hear baby, fighting for you. I love you baby and I'm always going to be your daddy no matter what happens. You mean the world to me, And I wont give up, I'm not letting you go. Always


-a lost soul

[Jade]

You need to get out of that marriage.  It simply isn't healthy.  And don't leave your baby behind.  You are the primary caretaker and your baby is going to need that continuity to help her adjust to this.

And you need to be very, very careful about what you post.  It is a public message board and what you post can be used against you in a custody fight (hopefully, it won't come to this).  


I highly recommend counseling for you and finding a good family law attorney.  

[mistoffolees]

You need to see an attorney ASAP to protect yourself and your position with your daughter. NOW.

Meanwhile, it sounds like the marriage is over, but I sense that you're not so clear. For anyone who isn't clear where they stand, I recommend a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's not so much that it's going to tell you whether to stay or not, but it will help you to become at peace with what you already know the decision should be.

Good luck.

[spinner]

take your kid to california home with you and file for divorce first.
pretend to go home for 2 weeks for vacation and get a good lawyer and file rightaway and get custody (temporary)

[Jade]

>take your kid to california home with you and file for
>divorce first.
>pretend to go home for 2 weeks for vacation and get a good
>lawyer and file rightaway and get custody (temporary)
>
And what does he do when he ends up losing custody by doing that?  He is a much stronger position where he is.  He is clearly the primary caregiver.  

[spinner]

he'll never loose custody by doing this let me tell you from personal experience.
Even though the law clearly state that he needs to live in the state 6 month before he file, ... 1 year in the custody battle no one will care because the kid is there and not in washington. family support, ... no judge will remove the child and even more for an army mom.

Any descent lawyer can over come this



I may add that if his wife is 1/2 smart she'll get a restraining order , kick him out the home with the mom to help and then file for divorce and he will have no other recourse than to go back to california and with the distance, loose even basic visitation

[Kitty C.]

Be very careful of the advise you give, because I can tell you on this one, you are dead wrong.

We moved from CA to IA in Mar. 1993.  DS was born in CA in 1989, so he was a legitimate resident of CA.  In Aug. of 1993, DS's dad took off with him back to CA.  Even though CA had jurisdiction in regards to residency, I filed, got emergency mediation, made 3 trips to CA in 6 weeks, and got DS back.  The biggest reason, I believe, the judge ruled this way is because of 'how' DS's dad handled the situation, basically 'absconding' with DS.  And we even had a very flimsy court agreement at the time that allowed either of us to have physical custody at any time.  AND we weren't married, either.

My advise to the OP is NOT to go to CA with the child unless and until he has a CO that specifically tells him he can.  Otherwise, he could permanently screw up his case for himself.

[mistoffolees]

>My advise to the OP is NOT to go to CA with the child unless
>and until he has a CO that specifically tells him he can.
>Otherwise, he could permanently screw up his case for
>himself.


FWIW, I agree with you completely. In some cases, he could completely destroy his case. In other cases, he might not DESTROY his case, but he's going to come across as placing his own wants above the needs of the children. Even in the best case, there's Karma to deal with.

I'd stay put and get a court order in place. Given what he's described, he's got a very good chance - so no point in messing it up by running.

[Jade]

>he'll never loose custody by doing this let me tell you from
>personal experience.
>Even though the law clearly state that he needs to live in the
>state 6 month before he file, ... 1 year in the custody battle
>no one will care because the kid is there and not in
>washington. family support, ... no judge will remove the child
>and even more for an army mom.
>
>Any descent lawyer can over come this
>
>
>
>I may add that if his wife is 1/2 smart she'll get a
>restraining order , kick him out the home with the mom to help
>and then file for divorce and he will have no other recourse
>than to go back to california and with the distance, loose
>even basic visitation


He won't be able to get a court order giving him temporary custody.  All the mother has to do is go to CA, pick up her child.  And then file for a court order AND a restraining order that only lets him have supervised visits as he clearly demonstrated that he is a kidnap risk.  

On top of that, SHE will probably get sole custody as a result of HIS actions.   And who knows how long the supervised visits will last.  

Really bad advice.  It could cost him his child if he follows it.  

A serioius question for you:

If it was the mother who posted what the OP did, would you give the same advice?

And, no, a decent lawyer wouldn't be able to overcome it.  

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

If I were you, I would stay firmly in the martial residence with the child. I would get myself to counsleing ASAP because you are clearly hurting at the dmeise of your marraige and in need of support.  There is aboslutely NO SHAME inthis.  In fact, reaching for an accepting help when you need it is a very strong and healthy thing to do and IMHO, shows that your interest in being there for your DD is very strong because you know that you have to have support so you cna be there for her.

I would alos be the one to file so a trip to the attorney's office is way up there on your list of things to do because if my instancts are on, your wife's mother is a first class instigator and will cause you endless problems.

I would also begin a journal documenting every caretaking action you perform for your DD each and every day and I would also document the particulars of your wife's comings and goings.  It could become very important later on down the road.

I am concerend for you to be livingin the house with a woman you still love and being subjected to her shennegans, however, moving out with the baby will not be in your best interest, IMHO.  My X chose to stayin the home telling me he was "too emotionally fragile" to leave the home and children.  So, beign the strong one I moved out, I left the children with thier father who was giving me every indication that he was going to be cooperative with parenting. I spent one week in  a hotel and then found an apartment. It was only then that I learned thah he had retained a lawyer months beforehand and the rouse about his "emotional fragility" had worked like a charm.  He got primary custody and I was reduced to EOW.  It mattered not that durng the marriage he travelled extensively for his job and was NEVER home for more than a few weeks at a time adn missed milestones in th children's lives while Iwas there withthem thru every childhood illness, doctor visit, scraped knee- what have you.

One thing that I would do in your place is to get myself a postal box so that you can get mail without your wife knowing every detail about what comes to you. It might also be helpful for you to move into another bedroom in the home to create some "emotinal space" for yourself so that you cna begin to work on accepting the enevitable divorce.

You MUST find a way to be strong in this case, for the sake of your DD.  I know its hard, but come here to post, the good people on here will help you thru not only the legal mindfields but they provide excellent emotional support too.

Best of luck to you.  I'm sending you my prayers adn good thoughts for a successful outcome to your case.