My friend needs advice quick

[hopeful25]

I am so frustrated!  My friend is looking at divorce.  Her husband checks all her receipts and emails and phone bills.  We all think he is a weasel but now I know.   They have children so I am very concerned.  He is trying to say she is crazy and needs to be committed to a psyc hospital.  He hs hit her but as soon as we have accused him of abuse he now plays mind games.  I told her to cut back hours at work to be sure she is with the kids due to her concern for them.  She is afraid that she will need a full-time job if he does file for divorce.  I think she should due to the mental abuse.  Any ideas to help her divorce without losing her kids would be great.

[mistoffolees]

Of course, her husband will tell a very different story. That's why I think the best approach in most cases is to find a good, neutral mediator who can help the couple to sort through all the issues.  A good mediator won't put up with too much nonsense from either one and will make a recommendation to the court if the mediation fails.

I would suggest that she get herself an attorney ASAP and talk with them about the options. Since the attorney will have all the facts (which I clearly don't), their advice may differ - and she should folllow the attorney's advice.

[jilly]

Your friend needs to start planning an escape, with the kids, ASAP.  She needs to go to a domestic violence shelter and then file a Domestic Violence Protection order against her husband. She also needs to keep documentation of the abuse; maybe keep a notebook in her desk at work, if she works outside of the home.

[hopeful25]

I wish I could get her to see this.  She is too afraid.  First, I need to get her to see the danger.  We see it--family and friends.  He has called her doctors and boss to convince them that she is very unstable.  I am so scared for her.  Will a judge look down on her for "running" with the children.  That is her biggest fear I think.  Thanks for the advice and I will see if I can get her to keep track.

[mistoffolees]

>I wish I could get her to see this.  She is too afraid.
>First, I need to get her to see the danger.  We see it--family
>and friends.  He has called her doctors and boss to convince
>them that she is very unstable.  I am so scared for her.  Will
>a judge look down on her for "running" with the children.
>That is her biggest fear I think.  Thanks for the advice and I
>will see if I can get her to keep track.

Yes, a judge will look down on her for running with the children. She could lose them.

If the story is as you've presented it, then she should go to court to get a restraining order to keep him from interfering in her personal life - such as talking to her employer or doctors.

[jilly]

>Yes, a judge will look down on her for running with the
>children. She could lose them.


Bullfeathers.  A Judge will NOT look down on her for running to a domestic violence shelter with her children.

[mistoffolees]

>>Yes, a judge will look down on her for running with the
>>children. She could lose them.
>
>
>Bullfeathers.  A Judge will NOT look down on her for running
>to a domestic violence shelter with her children.


I missed the part claiming that he hit her. It reads like the major complaint is that he's saying she's crazy.

If she can demonstrate abuse, then you're correct. I'm just skeptical in this case since his 'hitting' her is mentioned only briefly as an aside.

[hopeful25]

I only mentioned it briefly because since her mother and I confronted him he has stopped.  Now it is more control and mental abuse.  I know how hard that is to prove.  I have told her to talk to "a third party" who is not her family or close friend.  They tried counseling but he stalked her to and from every appt. so she quit (once she felt like he was going to run her off the road).  Basically, I am scared and concerned for her.  Thanks for your help though--any insight is better than mine right now.

[mistoffolees]

I think you need to get one thing clear in your mind - because you're bouncing all over the map.

You made all of the following statements:
"He hit her"
"He doesn't do it any more"
"It's only mental abuse and control"
"she felt like he tried to run her off the road"

Is she in danger or not?

If she is in danger, then take the advice someone offered to go immediately to an abused woman's shelter with the kids.

If she is not in danger, then act accordingly through the legal channels.

If you can't be clear in your own mind as to whether there's danger or not, then no one else can, either.

[gemini3]

It sounds to me like you may be a little more involved in her situation than is healthy for either of you.  You might consider backing off a little.  If she is in an abusive situation there is almost nothing you can do.  If she's been abused for any length of time, she's probably suffering from an emotional dysfunction and things that seem obvious to you may look totally different to her.  She may be afraid for her life, and that she would be risking it by leaving her husband.  That's a gamble only she can take, and you shouldn't push her.  Your life isn't at risk.  It's common knowledge that most domestic homocides occur when a woman leaves her abuser.  As much as you love your friend, you can't protect her from something like that.

If I were you I woud stop pushing her to leave.  Let her know that there are options out there when she's ready, let her know that you'll help her, and then concentrate on being a good friend to her.  Showing her that she's lovable and worthy is going to do more for her than anything else.  That's what's eventually going to convince her to leave - realizing on her own that she doesn't deserve what's happening to her.  The important thing is that it has to be HER decision, not yours.  She's the one that needs to convince herself, not you.

I'm not saying you should condone what is happening to her.  I'm saying that you should stop telling her how she should be handling her situation. It sounds like she's got enough with her husband trying to control her.  You shouldn't be doing it too.