What can I say no too?

[FrustratedOther]

I am new to the boards, new to "parenthood", new to custody issues..and just feeling new and frustrated in general.

Here is the situation...and then the questions to follow.

My bf and I live together.  His wife left him for a homeless, drunk, ex-drug addict.  I know, weird.  Her bf now lives in a state assisted apartment that the kids are not suppose to be in. She lives there with him, although she is not suppose to be there either. My bf and the ex are not divorced yet.  Divorce with kids is expensive as I am sure you all can attest to.  

Right now they are operating off a joint custody agreement they worked up themselves.  She has wild moments where she wants to be controlling and just hangs up on him when he doesn't give her the answer she wants.

Here are the questions.

1. I take care of the kids on Thursdays and Fridays (our days to have the kids) She insists on calling 2-3 times during the day.  I have a cell phone, we do not have a landline.  She interuppts the kids activities and she grills them about things.  Is it ok for me to say I don't want her to call?  She talks to them every night, but calls on their dads phone when he is home.

2. I had to go to the Dr on Thursday and took the daughter to my mom's house.  The ex had a fit because she called to grill the daughter and found out.  She called my bf freaking because she hasn't met my mother and she doesn't want people watching the kids she doesn't know.  Can she do this?  Is it not my bf's right to decide who watches his kids?  Which btw I asked him the night before if it was ok.  The kids have a lot of contact with my mom and love her.

3. When the kids started staying with the mom during the week, she advised they would be staying at her mothers since they are all not suppose to be at the bf's apt.  They are not doing that and are always at the apartment.  The kids have to sleep on the floor..and it is a studio apt.  I want to call CPS or something but feel karmacly this could kick me in the rear and I should let things happen as they should.  

4. My schedule has changed and now I won't be able to watch the kids on Thursdays and Fridays and we thought about getting daycare for them on the days we have them.  The mom has thrown a fit saying she will not allow this while she is not working.  Oh..did I mention she doesn't work?  Does she have this right?

5. Her bf watches the kids at night while she goes to school.  My bf lets it slide because he feels he can trust her to make decisions for her children..which is the high road...but she doesn't follow the same thing.  

I think I will start with that now and then ask more questions if I get some answers.  Thanks in advance to anyone who answers.

BTW, I know I am just the live in gf and I can't do alot.  I always run everything by the bf first...but I need to arm us with plans because she has started to say she is going to "take us to the judge".

[Ref]

Ok. There is a lot of ground to cover here, but first of all, don't feel bad about just being the gf. There are tons of gfs and 2nd wives here to help out their significant others.

First thing you have to realize is that there is no real agreement. None really exists until it is signed by a judge. That means BM can pull whatever stunts she wants and can not be held accountable for it. In the same breath, BF can do the same, and it would be just as wrong.

At this point, because there is no legal groundwork, your bf needs to establish the status quo. The best thing for him is to make sure he has as much documented time with the kids as he would want, or more, after the court hearing. He may have to kiss his ex's butt, because, like I said, she can do whatever she wants right now, but this is important. Documented means keep a calandar of the time he has with the kids. Take pictures and keep receipts of things you buy when you are with them.

That might mean playing the games she is playing. Letting the kids talk to her several times. Making sure they are watched by people BM agrees to. It is not right, and legally she can't keep you from dropping the kids off at your mom's, but it could limit his time with them and ultimately set a bad status quo.

Most people would prefer the child to be with a parent over a daycare. If she is available, she would more than likely be able to take care of the kids is an order was established with the "right of first refusal". On the other hand your bf would be able to care for them at night instead of her bf.

Once your bf has a court order set, he wont have to allow all the weird games, but until then....

Also, don't think her not working will make her look worse in court. It actually works to her advantage in a couple of ways. 1. She would be available to take care of the kids rather than a "non-parent" during the day. Judges like that. 2. In some states that can go a long way to her getting more child support because many states base it on % of the dad and mom's combined income.

I would welcome her taking him to the judge. Just 1. get a decent father's rights attorney. 2. establish the status quo that you would want after the judge sets the order with proof 3. document EVERYTHING  and keep proof of everything possible. 4. look at what the standard parenting agreements in your county look like. Just do a google and see what you come up with. Many agreements handle the "right of first refusal" and limit the telephone calls to once a day between the hours of x and y.

Take care
Ref

[FrustratedOther]

So here is the status quo that was established prior.

She left to move in with her bf.  She came to the apartment he moved in too to take care of the kids during the day.  The kids were with him every night and weekend and then later it became every other weekend she got them.

Then when we moved in together it became a split week.  Half and Half time.

When they separated she didn't have housing for them so he provided it.  We have tons of pictures, digital thankfully to show the date.  We like to take them tons of places, and she doesn't.  She keeps them holed up in her stinky apartment.  

I know a lot of the comments are emotional and opinions...but you can only say things like this so much to the bf!

Supposedly when she is complete with school she will be getting a job.  Makes me want to have them hold out on the divorce until then she she doesn't get preferencial treatment because she stays home.

Anyways, thanks for your response!!! I welcome all thoughts and comments!