Need some opinions....

[lucky]

Oss is 15 yo, about 115 pounds and is 5'7" tall.  Ds is 10 yo, about 60 pounds and is 4' to 4'6" tall (somewhere around there).

We've been struggling with ds for a long time now with violence towards dh (his dad) and the other kids.  We've got him in counseling and we're doing family counseling and there are automatic consequences for violent behavior of any kind as well as threats of violence.  Ds is also on anti-depressants (for about 6 weeks now) which seems to have been helping him with his moods so that he doesn't have the violent spells anymore.  It went from almost every day to once every 7-10 days.

Last week in family counseling, oss told the counselor that he deliberately baits ds in the hopes that ds will become angry enough to try to hit or otherwise try to hurt oss because oss then intends to beat the hell out of ds because he hates ds.  Over the past several weeks, oss has been verbally abusive to ds and sometimes to ysd (12 yo).  He's also threatened to hurt them by "playing" and doing todays version of the "Hurts Donut".  In addition, he refuses to follow any rules, including doing chores, etc.  He is also getting rides to and from school from people we don't know and have not given permission for -- he is to ride the Metro Bus only unless he has prior permission.

Dh doesn't do much of anything because, even though I've BUSTED oss, oss lies to dh and dh says "well, don't do it again" IF he even lets on to oss that he doesn't believe him, he believes me.

Last night it came to a head.  The kids were watching Charlie Brown and oss gave the "Hurts Donut" to ysd with his knuckle on her right shinbone (if it matters, ysd also has a cast on her left leg and is on crutches).  She has a bruise and a lump there now.  Oss says they were just playing  and ysd is being a baby.  Dh told oss that if he ever did it again, he'd be grounded.

Am I out of line expecting a zero tolerance for violence from oss as well as ds (for the whole family really)?  I mean if he's going to hit his sister like that "in play" what is he going to do when he's mad??  Also, if you review the sizes of the two boys -- ds will be seriously injured if oss succeeds in his baiting of ds, no doubt in my mind.

Oss is in counseling, however, I've been told  (by the counselor) that oss has refused to go anymore or talk if I attend ANY sessions and dh schedules EVERY appointment during the day so that HE can't attend either!!!  So, these sessions are NOT addressing ANY of the issues here because oss IS NOT going to admit to any wrongdoing!!  In addition, oss refuses to participate in family counseling.  Instead he goes to his room and does things that he is not allowed to do.  And gets NO consequences!

I can't disengage because the other kids are involved and he won't leave them be either.

HELP!!!

P.S.  I spoke with osd this morning too and she wondered why oss gets away with getting rides from people when SHE got grounded for it and why ds gets punished for hitting and threatening when oss doesn't.

[tulip]

Wow. You must be incredibly strong inside. If I were you, I would spend most of my time driving around so I wouldn't have to be at home. I have done that a couple times lately, and my home is nowhere near the battleground you have just described.
The biggest problem you have is that your dh is not supporting you. You are perfectly justified expecting zero-tolerance for any violence and not following the clear rules of your home. Why isn't this kid punished for his behavior? Why does he hate his brother so much?
If your husband is just going to sit there and do nothing, then make it clear to them that you are not. Take control, and don't take any crap from him.
Where is his mother?
I had a step-brother who was abusive like that to me. The only thing that made it better was that my step-dad didn't put up with it. As I got older, I spent less and less time at home so I wasn't around him as much. He never changed, and now he is doing crap like to my nephew. He grew up to be a self-centered jerk, and is in a relationship with a women who is mentally disabled and very small, go figure--she can't defend herself mentally or physically.

[jilly]

IMO you should kick his ass out. I know that sounds harsh but you can't let the other kids live in constant fear of him and you can't allow the constant disruptions in your home. It's not healthy for anybody. Sounds like your DH has his head stuck in the sand and doesn't want to acknowledge the situation or do anything about it. My suggestion for him is a good swift kick in the seat of his britches! LOL

[stepmom who cares]

Yes, you should have a zero tolerance room - for all in your family - with consequences that you know you and DH are willing to implement if zero tolerance is broken.
You are teaching all the children that any type of abuse is okay in your home?  Your daughters will grow up believe it is okay to be hit, pushed, etc. by anyone and your sons - will think it is okay to do it to any female they want!  
You can't solve violence with violence - but you need to make sure you have a strong consequence you know you can deal out and live with!

[lucky]

Dh took oss to get a drug test done.  Hopefully we'll get the preliminary results this evening yet.

His behavior is consistent with drug use -- we've already experienced and lived with it from osd and with my dd.  I told dh to get oss tested a long time ago and told him again a couple weeks ago, however, he doesn't want to believe it.

Today, pbfh called and told me that osd and dh's brother both told her that oss is using drugs so she figured she'd better call.  It took a bit to get the names of the people out of her -- she just wanted me to go on the fact that she believed them something that dh and I never do!

In spite of her only confirming my suspicions, I made her tell me so that I could convince dh.

If it is positive, we'll be setting up treatment -- not sure if it'll be on an inpatient or outpatient basis, I'm leaning toward inpatient to start at least, but we'll have to see what happens.  Fortunately, my insurance covers CD treatment COMPLETELY if it is necessary.  

Dh and I are meeting with our family counselor with no kids around on Saturday to work out things that we have issues with regarding the kids and parenting, etc.  Keep your fingers crossed that dh'll keep an open mind.

[lucky]

just validated my thoughts, but dh was SO insistent I (almost) began 2nd guessing my motives.