Dating and kids.......

[djwhite]

Just curious on what others have to say.  Given that in a relationship between 2 adults, each with their own children, and everything between the adults seems to be totally going well after several months, at what point would it be appropriate to introduce your kids to the person you are dating?  The non-negotiable understanding here is that no matter what, the kids come first.  Another factor, my two kids are teenagers so they are much more into their own social life, and I've been divorced 9 years.  Her two kids are only 10 and 7, and she has been divorced 2 years.  So what are your opinions????

[nosonew]

I think it depends on how serious the relationship is.  Fly by night, don't meet.  If you feel this is someone you will be spending alot of time with, it is appropriate to meet, introduce the kids, etc.  You have to be careful about overnights.  It depends on your own personal morals/rules etc.  I personally would introduce the s.o. first to the kids, get to know them, then once each s.o. is comfortable with the other's kids, and the kids with them, then introduce the kids to each other.  Good luck!

[Peanutsdad]

I think the two of you will probably know best how to handle it. Only ya'll know the kids.


My own ex hasnt concerned herself with such trivia,, she would have a new guy just about every visitation weekend for my daughter to meet. Occasionally, one would be around for 2 visits in a row.

[Wishing]

I actually have two sons, ages 10 and 7, and am faced with the same thing. I've read a couple of books on children and divorce and there seems to be a standard. So here's my take on this as a Dad.

It was suggested that with pre-teen children, after a couple has been dating 6 months and there seems to be a solid and stable relationship, introductions and group activities are ok.

The concern is not to have a revolving door which younger children can not comprehend. Teenagers can grasp the concept of dating but younger children do not.

I have also found it better that I meet my date rather than pick her up as she has a 9 year old child.

The timing on this post is incredible - we are having our first meeting of all the children this weekend. Some putt-putt and dinner at a pizza place. I think I'm as nervous as our first date.

Good luck.

[djwhite]

Thanks for the info.  Beginning of June will be 6 months that we have been dating.  Our relationship is absolutely wonderful.  I actually met her kids briefly last week.  We both work in education so she introduced me as a work friend, which is where we met so that was not really a fib at all.  So hopefully in the next few weeks we can meet as a group and do something fun like pizza and miniature golf.   So how did that first meeting go for you??

[Wishing]

It went very well. I was so nervous but the kids (my two boys 10 & 7 and her 9 year old daughter) had a blast as did we. We saw Shrek 2 and went out for chinese. It was so cute - her daughter actually said after we left that we should have stayed for a slumber party. Her Mom had a little talk with her about it but her comments were truly innocent words.
My sons want to do something next weekend with them so we'll see how it goes. It is so nice to share this with our children.
Good luck and best wishes.

"Do your best and never give up"

[djwhite]

What books did you read?  I would be interested in doing some reading on this issue.  As I said before, the relationship I am currently in is absolutely wonderful.  But her youngest daughter, age 7, seems to be showing some anger/anxiety about her parents being divorced (2 years now).  So this wonderful mom is very afraid about introducing someone new into her daughters' lives, and this is very understandable.  So if you can tell me what books you read I'd really appreciate it.  Thanks!!

[BehindBlueEyes]

My daughter was 3 when her father & I split up.  He started dating someone within a few months & introduced our daughter to her right away even tho it was not allowed in the temporary agreement. 2 months after the divorce was final he married the girl (and I say girl because she was still in high school when they married.)  Our daughter took to her right away.  They have a great time together & I know that my daughter is in good hands when she's around.  I trust her more so than my ex when it comes to her care.  

I on the other hand never introduced my daughter to anyone I was dating unless I knew it was going to be a lasting relationship.  I currently live w/ my boyfriend and she lives with us.  He has 2 children as well.  Once we decided we were going to move in together we then introduced the kids.  I only introduced her to one other person that I dated.  That turned out to be a mistake as he didn't stick around.  I think it tore my daughter up almost as much as it did me because she got very attached to his children as well.  

There has been some hostility towards both men that I introduced my daughter to.  She has a lot of possessiveness towards me.  She doesn't want to share her mommy.  But it was never that way when her father started dating.  Not sure why.  She's a totally different person when she's with me than when she's with her father.

It can be a little frustrating at times because she almost gives my boyfriend the cold shoulder.  I try to just reassure her that he's not taking me away from him & that I love her no matter what.  And she knows that she can turn to my boyfriend if she ever needs anything despite their differences.

I personally had a hard time with my mother dating other men after her & my father divorced.  But I took right away to anyone that my father dated.  I don't know why.  I just felt like I was losing my mom.  And it was toughest when she got married again.  So, I kinda know how my daughter feels.

[djwhite]

Thanks for the info.  The youngest daughter of the person I am dating is 7, and she has shown signs of the possessiveness that you describe with your daughter.  She has only met me once for a brief period, but she has questioned her mom a lot when her mom talks to dads at the girls soccer games.  She has said to her mom that she doesn't want her mom to date.  And just like your situation, this little girl's father has dated and the girl seems to be fine with it.  You have given me a bit to think about, and understand more clearly that this behavior is more common than what I realized.  And that's ok..... the person that I am dating is so wonderful, it is worth whatever amount of time it takes for things to work out. :)

[BehindBlueEyes]

You're welcome.  I don't know why she's that way.  Just as I don't know why I was that way when I was younger & my mom was dating.  I felt like he was taking her away from me & I was jealous.  That's the only explanation I can come up with.  I know that the man I'm with now is a good person & that in time my daughter will see that.  But, it has given me insight on how to deal with my daughter better since I went thru the same feelings myself.