Phone calls

[Stepmomnow]

I have been reading on the boards for awhile now, but this is my first post.

Background:

SS is 10 – DH and BM divorced for 7 years, 50/50 custody.  DH and I married for 1 year, together for 5.  Relationship between DH and BM dreadful – She adores screaming at him for just being alive.  No chance of discussing this with her.

Custody agreement allows phone calls every other night, as long as SS has not seen that parent during that time.  BM has to drive him to school from a meeting point during our weeks (she moved – her school district), so she sees him almost everyday he is with us.  So she does not get a lot of phone calls, DH gets to call much more.

SS has started getting rude during the calls.  In fairness, he is rude to his mother as much as he is rude to his dad.  He clearly does not like having to talk to either parent when he is not with them.  Last night he was very sarcastic and dismissive to his dad (I could hear because his mom's cell phone was turned up so load.  DH took the abuse and kept asking him questions, finally terminating the call quickly.  Often when SS talks to his mom, when he finally gets her off the phone (we can tell he is trying end the call) he expresses relief that the call is over.

These are not intrusive calls; no one is asking him personal details, just "how was your day" and "what did you do this morning" kinds of things.  DH has stopped telling anything about what he has done, because SS is clearly not interested.  

How should DH handle this?  Should we stop calling so often, since SS clearly hates the calls?  Or should we call him on being rude (ie "that was really rude, why are you upset?") and make him be polite to his mom when he has to talk to her?

Any advise would be appreciated.

[junglechicken]

Deal with ss's rudeness, then stop calling so often.  I think ss is getting to "the age" where he doesn't need contact with his parents constantly, especially when he's with a parent.

But the rudeness must be addressed, even if it's just to say "I understand if you don't want to talk, but the way you spoke to me is unacceptable."  Ditto if you hear him speaking to his mother in a way that makes you cringe.  I don't like my sds' mother, but I'll not listen to them be disrespectful to her without addressing it.

[MixedBag]

I agree -- separate the issues.

One being the behavior which is rude.  Talk to him while he is with you and maybe together you can work out an acceptable solution.

The second being the number of calls.  Again, talk to him and see what HE might like to do and then do THAT.

Just like adults, this might be one subject where you can get his input on the solution and then it makes it easier for even him to live with.  When adults buy into a solution, whether at work or personal, they have a tendency to support it more.....in this case, why not the child?

[Peanutsdad]

Ok, whats screamin thru to me here is the kid obviously feels trapped in the middle between bm and bf.

He's reacting AND acting out his discomfort at whomever is currently making him feel trapped.


It's not the calls SS hates, its the discomfort he endures during the call from whichever home he happens to be at.


Do not tolerate the rudeness while he is in your home. At the same time, I would cease the calls for now while he is at mom's.


I further would get the kid into counseling, preferably alone, with sessions for family.

[Stepmomnow]

I agree that he is feeling at least intruded upon by the calls.  What we decided to do (suggested by our therapist) is to continue the calls, but if he does not want to talk, DH will just say "sounds like your busy - I am glad you called, Love you," and end it.  The therapist suggested that we not call him on the rudness, because it is clearly done because he feels he is being intruded upon.  (I don't know if I agree with that, but I firmly believe that one house should NOT try to address behaviors at the other house, so we will continue to think about it.)  DH has done this (stopped the calls before SS gets tired of them) a couple of times now and it seems to work well.  The fear is if we don't call ss, his mother will start telling him Dad does not want to talk to him.  There is no way she will stop calling as often as she possibly can.  This was a  huge issue in the custody fight.

I also agree that he needs therapy - he has seen a counselor for the last 2 1/2 year - but his mother is putting a stop to that and the counselor is going along with it, so there is not much we can do, until SS decides he wants to create a mess, which he will do when he is older.

Thanks for the suggestions.