My child is using bad words - Kitty, I like your advice

[DK]

My son is 4 1/2.  When in August he decided his favorite work was "stupid a$$hole".  It took a phone call to the pediatritian to help stop that.  The docs advice . . ."Soap in the mouth.  Tell the child Dr. ____ said if a dirty word comes out of your mouth then we have to wash your mouth."  The doc also added, "Then later go to the store for some ice cream, tell your child he cannot go, the stores don't like children to say bad word in the store. Then go, without the child, bring back ice cream and eat it in front of the child."   This worked!

(I will add that my sister, his teacher, figured out that this started when the new school year started.  Half the class went to kindergarten.  My son thought he should have gone too, and not stayed at the baby school.  This was figured out when a couple of the kindergarteners came back for a couple days when regular school was closed.  My son actually told us this adding he should be at a new school too, like his friends, and he is mad.) The problem now is our son says, "I hate my mom, or dad, or brother."  He is just being plain mean, not listening, not using his words, not following direction, etc.  Of course this is when he does not get his way, when he is told no, and stuff.   He is better for DH than for me.  I will tell you what I do.  After the bad words stopped, the soap in mouth stopped.  We did start a new rule.  It is called the No Chance Rule.  If little man starts acting up and won't listen, follow direction, and is mouthy this rule starts.  Unfortunately to enforce the rule I end up going to the kitchen and getting a spoon.  (only used the spoon a couple times, something about it being in my hand stops our son in his tracks.  Dad does not need to do this, just me)  I did call the doc back, he said take him to a psycholgist for anger eval.  I won't do this at this point.  I am pretty sure I am being tested . . .and tested, and tested.  I know consistancy is the key.  I guess I am wearing thin and would just like a fresh outlook and advice on this.  Thanks.

[Kitty C.]

I've had DS in therapy for almost a year, starting out with a completely different issue than what we're working on now.  But one thing she's said to me MANY times is that, as far as she knows, America is the ONLY country where they 'take away' things from a child for bad behavior.  She said that European countries do it differently, they counter the bad behavior with doing something the child does NOT want to do.

Now, I have a lot of respect for Dr. Phil, he calls a spade a spade and tells it like it is.  But I don't necessarily agree with his suggestion that you 'find your child's currency'.  DS is an AVID video game player, but taking away his PS2 has absolutely NO effect on his behavior.

So we've tried a new approach:  making him do something distasteful when he screws up.  ONE day after setting up the new rules, he broke one, coming home more than 5 minutes late.  I made him write 'I will not be late and make my mother worry' 25 times.  He did this twice just within the last week.  But when he was out Sat. afternoon, he came back BEFORE the time he was due back!

It really has to be something distasteful, too.  I told the therapist that one thing that REALLYgot to me was DS not putting his clean clothes away, and find clean, folded clothes in his hamper when I do laundry.  Te punishment:  he has to fold ALL the clothes next laundry time, and that can be 5 or 6 loads.  You should have heard him!  'No, don't make me fold MOM'S clothes!'  His therapist said, 'Then that's the perfect punishement.  When I did laundry yesterday, there was NO clean clothes in his hamper, for the FIRST time in months!

DS also hates it that I smoke.  I hate it too, and am trying to quit for the umpteenth time!  But recently, when DS mouthed off at DH and I, DH made him go out in the yard and pick up ALL the cigarette butts!  He was VERY polite to us for quite a while after that!  But he's a teenager and emotions can overcome him easily.

You're right, consistency is DEFINITELY the key.  And that's damn difficult at times when you've just come home from work, mentally exhausted.  But you have to keep trying.  I gave the examples above, since those seem to be working for us...so far!  Problem is, I'm just not a creative thinker and I've needed the help of the therapist to come up with appropriate responses to his behaviors.

But don't discount the anger, either.  You need to watch very closely as to how he's venting his anger.  If he starts taking it out on others, especially those smaller/weaker than him (and watch for animals as well), then I strongly recommend it.  It means there's something else going on.  Kids might be able to talk at this age, but they still can't describe how they feel inside and why.  They need assistance from someone trained to talk to them in such a way to get them to voice their feelings and where it comes from.

Sure, he's testing you, but he's testing his boundaries just as much, if not more.  That's common for that age.  But it does surprise me that a doctor would recommend soap for bad words.  I've heard, at least in my state, that DHS considers it abuse!  But I also know that all states are different, too.

[DK]

My husband says the same thing as your sons doctor.  Have the kids do something they hate.  SS wants to stay inside on computer or X-box.  DH sends him outside to do yard work.  And as with your son, it works.  I am not creative thinker either.  Dh is!  Don't know why I haven't tried this with the 4 yo.  Like I said, DH has less of a problem with 4 yo than I do.  

I  have not ruled out taking him to a doctor.  I just have a gut instinct that now isn't the time.  He is venting mostly at me, sometimes his brother (my SS), and occasionally DH (his father).    I am also making an big effort to have DH deal with SS since he is the bio parent.  SS has been the center of thinks a long time.  DH agrees I need to focus on our son.  If things don't consistantly change in the next 30 days or so I will make that appointment.   I really think I am raising myself.  DH always laughs and says, "It is amazing to watch you two, you are just alike."  Unfortuately he means the good AND the bad.  

Of course I wrote this on Friday and all weekend 4 yo has been good.  I decided this weekend I was not going to loose my patients or let little man get the best of me in any way shape or form.  Now that work day Monday is back I just have to keep the same attitude.  We had a great evening and he is in bed now. Wish me luck for the rest of the week.

Thanks Kitty.

[Kitty C.]

I definitely wish you luck!

One other thing that I highly recommend as well......PRAISE, even for the smallest and simplest of things.  Ever since I started thanking DS even for holding the door for me or putting something away (that he should be putting away anyway, LOL!), he's been going out of his way to do other good things.  

One thing that used to drive me nuts is that I CONSTANTLY had to ask him to put the recycle bins and trach can back, after pick-up on Monday mornings.  He is the first home and walks RIGHT BY them!  You'd think he'd see them and automatically do it.........NO!  Ever since I've been praising him for every positive thing I see him do, he did it on his own yesterday.....without being told for the FIRST time in a LONG time!  DH took him golfing with him and some buddies on Sunday......a first for them both.  DS can be mentally exhausting at times, what with his ADHD!  And DH had SERIOUS misgivings about it.  But they both came home in great spirits and said they had a GREAT day!

I watch his face whenever I praise him, and his face justs lights up!  Things are definitely improving in our home, but praise, consistency, and distasteful punishment has been the key!

[Hawkeye]

boy oh boy... sparc is rockin' this week  hehehehee.... it's getting colder outside and warmer in here...

no mooses on the looses here yet... a new Canadian baby this week, er past week... boy, am I busy this week or what... LOL!

[Kitty C.]

Don't you be telling my secrets, now!  ;-)