phone contact

[ttfn]

I would like a opinion : Ncp parent  and CP have court order stating Ncp can  call  every day at a specific time to have conversation with 5 year old, CP not always there but averages out to be two or three phone contact during week and physical contact ever week for dinner and EOW schedule.  Order also states that  NCP should be initiating phone contact on Saturday evenings every EOW because CP  parents  was permitted to call but SM  refused to allow phone contact or machine took message and call never returned. NCP still not allowing phone contact.

[wendl]

if that is the only problem you have I would let it lie. The other parent can always fuss about out he/she doesn't get to talk to child every night per the court order.

If this is a huge issue then

1) let the ncp contact child every night per court order
2) send other parent a certified letter with stating that per court order section xx you are to have phone contact with child and expect child to be near the phone at xx time of night.

JMO

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[DecentDad]

I agree with Wendl.

I had major problems with phone access with my young daughter until I started being equally cooperative with my ex.

This means that every day I was unable to speak to my daughter meant that my ex would not be able to reach her for an equal number of days.

And as long as my ex either answered the phone or returned my message left each day, my ex would have no problems reaching my daughter by phone at my home too.

With some people, they don't do the right thing unless they have something to lose.

Because I've told my ex a number of times that our mutual phone access relies on mutual cooperation, and I'll be just as cooperative as her, she's learned what that means.

I'd suggest that you advise your ex of the same.

A daily phone call with one's child, when not present, is very reasonable for two parents who wish to stay involved.

However, I think it's a little bit unreasonable to have grandparents trying to reach a child at the other parent's home, especially when that other parent is already severely restricted in his/her contact with the child.  The grandparents have plenty of opportunity to reach the child at the CP's home, so it would seem to me that the purpose of such intent is to control and to rub NCP's nose in it that he/she can't ever escape the other parent's family.

DD

[ttfn]

I appreciate your thought one question I guess I might have not put in from the beginning.  As you probably have a life and are doing  things it is not always possible to be there EVERY night between maybe self improvement for your self or activities for the children or just doing things, what Iam getting at, I agree if phone contact didn't happen at all that would not be  right but EVERY night a bit much since in there small lives not much to talk about and very resticitve to a persons life, so I go back to basically every other night some form of contact is happening for the NCP but still that CP is to not have any contact from the moment child leaves the house til pickup at the end of weekend in the eyes of the NCP,court order states otherwise though.

[DecentDad]

TTFN,

I think you're missing the point on a couple things, and I hope you'll consider my perspective.  I appreciate the honesty that neither CP nor NCP are following the agreement at this point.

However, there is a court order stating that NCP can have daily phone access.  CP has unilaterally decided to ignore that court order and essentially say that half that contact is "good enough" without any agreement with NCP to that effect.

If parenting agreements are so easily changed, would CP be okay if NCP suddenly decides to keep the child an extra 24 hours on NCP's weekends because it's still "good enough" for CP to have all the rest of the time?

What's most alarming to me about your perspective is that it's OFFENSIVE to you that NCP doesn't honor the phone contact, but it's OKAY if you ignore it.  Does this disparity register with you?

The other primary point I want to point out is your priorities.  It seems as though the order of importance in priorities for the CP are:

1.  CP's life schedules
2.  Kids' life schedules
3.  CP's family's contact with children during NCP custodial time.
4.  Kids' relationship with NCP

Is that a fair assessment?

I'd suggest that the #4 priority has to be worked into #1 and #2 on a daily basis if CP expects to have resolution surrounding phone contact, and in general with avoiding conflict with NCP.

No one will buy the argument that there isn't enough time to call NCP for 5-10 minutes every day.  It's just an excuse made by CP to keep NCP a distant, secondary parent.

If CP were to make sure daily phone contact occurs, I bet NCP will follow suit soon thereafter.  If not, it's something that can be addressed in the court as contempt.  But as long as both sides are guilty, neither side can address it in court.

DD

[ttfn]

Actually the NCP has on several occasions not returned the child when  they where suppose to and did in fact keep for an extra three days because that is  what the NCP decided to do as well as not returned child several hours later which then prevented CP and child  going on a long weekend vacation since the   ride had to leave at the appointed time as to not hold many others up for the NCP lack of consideration. Has prevented child from attending first day of school and other things that where planned based on the child being there  because his scheduled parenting time was to conclude  and NCP choose not to follow , but expects CP to follow the order  but in   turn   NCP has not regard and has been found in contempt five counts .  What I think is interesting is that your thoughts if I understand them correctly is it is fine for NCP to not initiate  AT ALL  the phone contact on thier EOW  which is how the order is written because of previous problems but it is not OK for the CP  to actually not be available  and be out of the house and doing things with the child or not.  I think in that sense it is a bit unreasonalble and people are entitled to have a life .  Incidentaly the  NCP has refused to supply  contact numbers or cell number other then house and if  they choose not to answer for what ever reason phone  calls are NEVER returned . Prior order allowed during vacation events for CP to call once a day to speak with child, that never happend in two years  as well as when child goes on EOW time child is NOT permitted to call home at all.

[DecentDad]

Hi,

Thanks for continuing to offer your perspective.

I think you read a little bit between lines that I didn't intend to imply.

I don't think it's okay for either a CP or a NCP to ignore court orders, absent an alternate agreement made between the parents.  That would lead to chaos for all parties, including the kids.

You may feel compelled to take court orders with a grain of salt because NCP does the same.

However, you're solely in control of your own decisions.  You're not in control of the NCP's decisions.  This may be what you inferred as me blaming you but not NCP.  NCP isn't the one posting here, so I can't offer him/her any direct feedback.

If you're not playing the same "games" as the NCP is playing with the custody arrangements, I'd encourage you to continue to hold the NCP acountable for his/her misbehavior.

NCP will either learn his/her lesson eventually, or the court will be forced to do something about it (and punish NCP) just so the CP quits bugging the court every two months.

However, neither parent is in a position to get a major lashing from the court as long as both parents are ignoring the court orders.

If NCP fails to return the kids per court order, call the police.  If court orders aren't clear enough, go back and make them clear.

If this has been going on for two years, the damage being done to the kids is tremendous.  They don't need to be going through this sort of crap.

If you're the CP, follow court orders to a tee.  Expect the NCP to do the same.  If NCP doesn't follow them, start doing everything you can to hold NCP accountable.

Your kids are relying on you to pacify this on-going conflict ASAP.

I'm in a high-conflict custody situation, so I have empathy for you.  I follow the orders to a tee.  I started calling the police if an exchange went sour due to my ex.  I've dragged my ex back to court every few months due to her misbehavior.  Once I adopted that approach, I finally found much greater peace within a year.

It was a short-term hell to really show my ex that refusing to follow court orders is NOT acceptable.  She learned.

DD

[ocean]

Sounds like you have many issues here but as far as the phone access...

The NCP has the right to say "how are you and then goodnight". Child can call right before bed. Change the time if it is not convienent to the schedules. Send a letter to NCP stating "due to activities, child will call you right before bed at 7:30". Then have the child do it every night even if they talk to a machine. This will put the ball in NCP court and see what happens. If NCP is serious this should improve things. I wonder though how you can think that you should get to speak to child the 2 nights a month she is way a month but he can not speak to her every/most nights? My SD usually never called BM when she was with us even at 5 years old. Just like you said...too much going on and tring to fit it in the 4  days a month we had her. On the longer vacations we had to remind her to call. Just let you child know that you love her and will see her in two days.  

[ttfn]

thanks for the response#5 I think you got the jist of things.
 As for me speaking to  her I don't say goodnight on fridays I I spend no time on fridays  with her really because of dropping her off to school  in am and picking up in pm NCP is there as soon as I get home from work and school  so it is out of one car into another. so total time amounts to 15 minutes if that for the total there is no contact saturday and on sunday as soon as she get into car seat for ride home (no naps ) at 4:00 she is out cold til the next morning.