Mommy, does daddy love me?

[leftoverinmn]

How in the hell do I answer a question like that? What do I say? His dad has been gone for almost 2 years.

I've left every door open to him, I've tried to bribe him to see his son, I've offered to drop all the child support. He doesn't want to be a dad. He doesn't know how.

I've been able to answer every question so far, but this one was a doozy. How do you answer that truthfully without breaking a little heart?

[MYSONSDAD]

Oh how well I know what your going thru. It is especially hard during the holidays. Someday that guy will grow up, want to be a father and it will be too late. About all you can do is keep being both parents to your child. Keep him active in things he likes to do. But, there will always be something missing, a dad. And then you have the dads here that will give up their very souls just to be a dad.

I have the exact reverse going on. My PBFH is telling my son he can't love me anymore, that he hates me, he won't go with me to see Santa because mommy told him to. He would not get pictures taken with me because mommy told him he can't. It is ripping my heart and soul out.

Wish I could help, this is the worst.

[wendl]

Well my son is 12 and his dad is not an active part of his life, for years I tried to encourage it with no luck, you cannot force a person to be a parent.

When my son asked me that a few years ago, I stated, yes your dad loves you but he doesn't know how to show it to you, some people show their emotions and love openly others for some reason don't, it doesn't  mean they don't care and love a person but are unable to express that love.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[joni]

Why is it always the way?  In this community, there are so many fathers who have given everything to be part of their children's lives and they're denied by BM's who are supported by the family court.

And your case, a father who isn't part of his son's life by choice.

Why can't we hook up alienating mothers with men like your Ex?  Wouldn't life be so much easier?

[leftoverinmn]

Jack is only 5. That might be too deep for him. Do I lie for now and say yes?

When he asks me why dad doesn't come to visit, I tell him that his dad is sick. He's too sick to play, he's too sick to call. In a way, it's the truth, his dad is sick. Anyone who would abandon a child has something wrong with them.

Jack associates his father's sickness with the flu. So I tell Jack that if his dad gets lots of rest and takes his medicine, he may be well enough to come play someday. I think it leaves the door open for future visits in case his dad gets his act together.

But I like to think that when Jack is grown, he will remenber how I didn't place blame or cut anybody down. But I did my best to spare his feelings, and tell him the truth in a way that he understands.

But if anybody has any better ideas, my ears and my heart are open to any suggestion.  Thanks for being here, it means alot.

[wendl]

Kids at 5 know and understand more than you are giving him credit for, I have told my sons since he was 4 that his dad loves him but shows it differently than I do.

You are making excuses for your ex and lying to your child, I would just tell him that dad loves him in his own way but unable to see him at this time and leave it at that.

you are right though about not putting blame on your ex or putting the ex down to your son.

It is so hard when a parent doesn't want to see their child, my son at 12 knows the truth and now will call his dad and stand up to him and ask questions to his dad which took a long time, but my son came to the conclusion on his own that his dad is a liar and doesn't follow thru, he knows that I will be there always and that his stepdad is also here for him.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[skye]

you simply say " parents love their children ALWAYS, whether they are here or not"

[backwardsbike]

My heart aches for your little boy.  I am a NCP mom who had her children stolen fron her.  Their dad ripped them out of my life and I would give my soul for even one extra day with them.  At one point I was driving 810 miles per month without ever going out of my county just to see them every day.  Now I get them only four days per month and I would drive 800 million miles to see them everyday again.

I would tell your son that yes his daddy loves him.  He needs to know that.  It doesn't matter if he can understand or not.  When he misses daddy I would just tell him that while daddy can't be with him right now that daddy still loves him.  Can you pick an object that he could associste with dad to cuddle when he misses him?  When my mom died I would look up into the sky at night and locate one particular star.  I would look at it and imagine my mom looking at the same star from heaven.  It was very comforting to me.  It made me feel connected to my mom.  Maybe something like this will help him cope with his absent father?

[leftoverinmn]

I like that answer.

And I feel for you backwardsbike. I would fight a rabid gorilla for my son. I have that same kind of love for my child that you do.

[flewwellin]

I'd have to tell him that his father does love him, and leave it at that.  He will figure it out when he gets older for himself.  And actually that is all that you can say because you really don't know his father's emotions, I mean do you ever really know someone?  So i'd just say "yes honey, your dad loves you." Because no one can answer that question except for daddy.

flewwellin