A Question Regarding My Three Year Old Daughter

[NJDad]

Hi Fellow Sparcsters,


I am the father and residential parent of four young children, all under 10 years of age - three girls and a boy. The courts awarded me custody of the children last year due to issues with their mom.


The question I have pertains to my 3-year 3-month old daughter. Within the past 2 months, my daughter has begun to either lie on her tummy at the top of the sofa or on the seating section of the sofa and rock herself forwards and backwards.


My Ex got angry at me two weeks ago because my twin sisters gently spoke to both my one sister's daughter and my 10-year old daughter about puberty just before the school's parent-daughter meeting on the same subject. I also spoke separately to my daughter about this. She was so angry that she threatened me with her attorney and, for the ninth time in 3 years, called CPS on me. She claimed that I taught my 3-year old her how to do this. CPS ivisited the house and questioned the kids and me. CPS ruled it at an unsubstantiated claim and stated that the kids are in a safe and happy home. The children's counselor is still pursuing the matter.


My sister is upset because she says that it's OK for a boy to discover this but girls can't. The old 'double standard' seems to apply.



Here's the question -

At what age do young girls start to discovery their sexuality and is what my daughter doing normal and age appropriate?



I would appreciate any other comments you may have as well.


As always, thanks so much,
Wayne

[Kitty C.]

I really can't see a parallel between what you told them and what she's doing.  She's too young to automatically understand that rubbing in that area can give her pleasure...and be able to make the leap from what you said to her current actions.

Question, tho:  did she start this before or after your 'talk'?  No, I don't think it was quite appropriate to discuss it with the 3 y.o. in 10 y.o. terms......there's just no way she'd understand the same way.  But millions of toddlers have 'accidentally' found out on their own about how that feels...........and will continue to do so because they have no reason not to.  Problem is, they don't understand the implications and often it will happen at 'inopportune times'.  BUT, the last thing you want to do is to tell her she can't in such a way that she construes it as dirty and bad. This is an extremely delicate matter and the outcome could very well define how she feels about sexuality as an adult.

What I would recommend is having her seen by a child psychologist, one who works predominantly with children that age...or if you could talk to one and ask for ideas on how to talk to her about this, at least to stop the behavior without muddying the waters, so to speak.

As for the ex, let her blow a gasket........it's HER stress and anger, NOT yours.  I'd have the child seen by a professional, if for nothing else but to have ALL the bases covered.  And if everything turns out fine, tell the ex she can go piss up a rope!

(Sorry, I have zero tolerance for holier-than-thou's....which is how your ex is portraying herself.  Sounds like she's willing to jump on just about any issue, even before either trying to work on the problem to understand it completely, in an attempt to undermine you and get back custody.)

[NJDad]

Hi Kitty C.


I think I spoke to you last year! How's things going?


I made a mistake in what I wrote. I corrected it above. I spoke to my daughter. My twin sisters spoke to both my one sister's 10-year old daughter and my 10-year old daughter about it."....

The 'talk' my sister and I had was with my oldest daughter, who's 10. The Ex flipped out that I involved my sister in the discussion because the Ex hates my sister. During her ranting, she hung the phone up and called CPS claiming that I was teaching my 3 year old to 'get off' on the couch.

I have been noticing my 3-year old doing this for a while and I would either ignore it or just redirect her attention. I witnessed my Ex hitting and screaming at my 10 year old when she did the same thing 6 years ago and I vowed this would never happen again.

The kids are seeing a child psychologist who is pursuing her own direction, and she feels that CPS did not fully investigate the matter to her satisfaction.

[Troubledmom]

Here is an article that may help: http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/masturb.htm

TM

[LizaLou1]

to cover your backside.  A friend of mine identified this problem with their 5 year old.  Immediately raised it with the child's doctor and daycare.  A plan was developed and in place when a teenaged baby sitter told her parents who called CPS.  

The children were taken from the home and parents put through the wringer.  After a month the mother got the children back.  A couple of months later the father was cleared and came home. But.... he will be on a "list" for 5 years which is standard for any reports in Alabama even if innocent.  That stinks.

The parents had been proactive in dealing with the problem and had even briefed the baby sitter on how to respond.  It was really a shame because prior to this, the 2 sets of parents had been friends from the same church.

LizaLou