Controling Mother

[EJSixty2]

My ex and I have joint custody of our 8 year old son.  We have been divorced for 2 years (seperated for 2 more), and throughout this entire time she has been very controling.  She does not accept that I have joint custody, and that I have equal say.

Our son splits his time between us, although most school days he is with her and most weekends he is with me (that is due to the fact that he goes to school near his mom, who lives 33 miles from me).  I do 98% of the transporting.

Dealing with the ex is a constant battle.  I have many concerns.  She has remarried to a man who hates kids and dislikes my son.  The two of them ignore his needs and desires.  They are both very selfish, and I think the only reasons she wants our son with her is to deprive me of more time with him and as a tool to control me.

This has all come to an alarming head recently.  Our son fractured his femur on June 13th on the first day of ice hockey camp (he was only doing skating drills at the time -- no contact and no pucks).  She was furious at me for this (I'm the one who supports his passion for the game), and vowed that he would never skate or play again.

Our son made an amazing recovery, and the surgeon removed all restrictions from our sons activities last week.  He specifically said that he can start skating and play hockey whenever he is ready.  I had a 3 day weekend with our son this past weekend, and he wanted me to take him skating all 3 days.  He did great!  You would hardly know that he recently had a fractured femur and that he spent 6 weeks in a wheelchair! (The injury was freakish).

Our son is on a Travel team.  It is a large part of his life.  He told him mom today that he started skating, and she told him that he can't skate any more.  The problem is, he can't play on this team if she does not cooperate by helping to bring him to team practices -- or by agreeing to modify our visitation agreement so I can take him to all team events.

Our son is very upset, and I don't know what to do to help him.  I can go see my attorney, but I am afraid that will turn into another long and costly legal battle (neither of which would be to our sons benefit).

Our son is a great kid.  He is a straight "A" student and very well behaved.  I do most of the caring for him.  When he is sick, she calls me to pick him up.  I take him to doctors, dentists, orthodontist, etc. (she didn't even go to the final appointment with the surgeon -- when he approved our son skating/hockey again -- she was busy shopping in the mall).  

Any advice on how to handle this controlling woman and help our son would be greatly appreciated.

[worriedmom]

You know...if my ex was half the man you sound like, I would have no problems..lol.... I am going through something somewhat similar, only my ex is messing with my sons head..  He is too very controlling and I think that he only wants my son to be in some control... He never does anything for my son or with him unless it fits in his schedule(which is only on his weekends)... I deal with him the way I deal with a 9 yr old kid (pretty much his maturity level)   In your case, I would probably just explain to your son that sometimes parents disagree and not to take it to heart..Kids will do that..they will blame themselves for anything.. If you two fight then he will automatically think it is his fault... Is there anyway to get her to mediation or co-parenting counseling? I would definately try that. Just dont fight with her, that makes her think shes winning.. Dont let her upset you, most importantly dont fight in front of your son, but by the way things sound your pretty much doing all you can...how old is your son?  I have 3 boys... 5, 3 and 2 months...I know how you feel, i feel the same way...Im so sorry that you have to go through something like this...Its very frustrating...Just hang in there and do what you can..Just dont make my mistake..dont dwell on what you cant do, do what you can  It makes it a little easier... God Bless and good luck..... sorry if i didnt help any

[EJSixty2]

Thanks for your reply...

We really don't fight much.  I really don't like to discuss this issues in our son's presence (he is turning 8 years old).  Since our son is usually with one of us, this makes it hard to talk.  She blocks my emails, and claims to toss my letters that I send her.  There really is no communication.

You are absolutely correct:  if I fight with her, she thinks she is winning.  I think my only recourse is going to be to go through legal channels -- which I was trying to avoid.  But I'll do this for our son.