Issues with Step Dad...Ex (kind of long...sorry)

[sun_tzu]

Here's some background.  We have joint physical custody of our two boys...I get them one year she gets them the next.  I'm in the Air Force in VA she's in NE.  This is her year and the boys are SO ready to come home to me.  They consistently ask to come home.  They cry when they have to go with her (this is her first year).  

This happened last night...I want to send it to my ex (April) but don't know if I should...will it help?  I'm worried about the boys.  What can I do?  What should I do?  I tried talking to her last night, but she blew it off as Dean(her current husband) was joking with Ryan.  Then Dean got on the phone and told me that it was his house...his rules and that he would do anything he wanted in his house.  Then he told me that I couldn't talk to April about the rules of the house I had to talk to him.  What in the world am I to do?  I don't want things to be worse on the boys, but I don't want them to be maltreated.  

Ryan is having issues at his school...he has for a while...I mean he had issues (acting out) "occasionally" here but I never had to go pick him up.  Steve is doing good academically in school, but he doesn't have any friends.  His teacher has to go "help him" find kids to play with and she's found him crying on the playground because no one will play with him...she actually sent him to the counselor for this (I haven't talked to her yet...can't seem to get a hold of her...this is from April)...April hasn't even gone to the school at recess to see what's happening...she said that she shouldn't have to Steve needs to work this out himself.  Is this normal action of a child?  Parent?

This is the email that I want to send to her...but don't know if I should...will it help?  What can I do?  

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Hey,
 

This really needs to be taken in to some kind of control.  When things relate to our children it's between us.  That's what's stated in the parenting plan and that's what I intend to go by.  Yelling at a child, scaring them, to get off of MY toilet (as Dean reminded Ryan last night) while they are going potty is ridiculous.  The other bathroom was full and he had to go.  He talked to me the whole way and said that he had to go poopy.  Next thing I hear is Dean yelling at him to pull his pants up and get out of his bathroom right now...he hadn't even wiped!  Whether Ryan was in the wrong or not is not the issue, humiliating OUR child is the issue.  If he wasn't supposed to be in the bathroom let him finish and then put him in his room for not minding.  Don't humiliate him and have him soil his underwear to prove some kind of point?  Then you coming on the phone saying that Dean was only joking is absurd.  I even heard you talking to Dean (while OUR child was whimpering) that "you did what?" laughingly.  You think that's funny?  A "joke" between children and parents (even step parents) doesn't disgrace OR humiliate and surely the child wouldn't be whimpering about it...if it was a joke as you said.  

 

April, you are VERY quick to make excuses and try to put the blame else where.  I don't "like" the fact that Dean spanks the boys—thumps the boys on their heads—threatens them if they tell...last time I remember us talking about that you said that we...WE...would discipline our children.  I know you see this as a good thing, you don't have to deal with it and Dean "takes care" of it—but this is unacceptable.  How many times has Dean taken off work to get Ryan because he's acted up?  How many of those times did he spank him?  How many times did YOU go to the daycare and get him?  You told ME that his teacher was immature and easily frazzled, but yet you let our child get beat for Dean having to go pick him up.  My children FEAR their "step father"...which you will say is crazy...but WHY do they repeatedly tell me and people they meet that they are scared of him?  Should you fear the people that are supposed to be taking care of you?  Protecting you?  Loving you.  I don't think so.  All I ever hear coming out of Dean's mouth is how EVERYTHING is his...it's HIS house...HIS stuff...how Steve was scared that Dean was going to KILL him for something that he'd done!  You say I'm over reacting?  I'm saying that you are UNDER reacting to a growing issue that started out as Dean has never spanks the kids to Dean is the ONLY one who spanks the kids..."because mommy isn't good at it"...this is coming from OUR kids!

 

I'm sending this to YOU April.  I sent it to you in fear that sending it to both of you would only aggravate the issue and make it harder on our children.  If you choose to send this on to your husband...that is your choice.  But let it be known that NO ONE is going to have my kids live in fear, if it comes to the point I have to call the base into the situation I will.  They have case workers that can and will come out to look into this—the Air Force is very well set up for these types of issues—I don't want it to come to this.  But I don't get very good vibes from Dean and all you do is protect what Dean says.  Don't let our children live in the fear that you had of your step mother—of their step father.  Don't use the excuse that your father did of "this is how Step Families are sometimes"—protect your children as their mother!

[wendl]

Keep the emotions and finger pointing out of it.

April,

I am writing this to you as I am concerned about our children.  When it comes to disapline I feel we as the parents should be disaplining the boys.  In the event that said stepparent must interven, I feel it is never right for anyone to become physical or demeaning to the boys as I feel this is not a healthy way to treat any child or adult.

The goal here is for us to work together for children as they deserve both parents and a happy childhood.



**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**