PAS 20 years later

[Ref]

My parents split when I was 12. My dad "came out of the closet" and my mom became steeped in anger and pain. She stayed that way for a good 18+ years. I grew up believing terrible things about my dad and actually hating him. When I was 18 and on my own, I started talking to my dad and finding out that so much of my mom's stories were gross exaggerations or lies. She was still bitter and hate filled. I couldn't talk about my dad or his husband without her making faces, comments etc...
It was sad to have to split my life like that.

For some reason, over the past year to year and a half, my mom has changed. She is visiting my dad and my stepdad at their house 2 states away. She goes on family vacations with all of us kids and them. It is like she is cured.

For years I was worried about her wasting her life so filled with hate. Now I don't need to worry anymore. Sure, she still has hurt and anger but she is human about it.

I was inspired to tell this to all of you because I just got off the phone with my stepdad and he said how much he and my dad LOVE being around my mom. I nearly cried. Between the relief of the pressure between them finally being done and the sadness I have over my Sd being PASed to the point of not talking to us now, I was overwhelmed.

It took 20 years of a lot of pain, but it is possible that these evil people will get over their issues and become human again.

Best wishes,
Ref

[John-J-Jay]

Ref,

I think that is wonderful that your mom can now see. Sometimes in life we live with blinders on and can't see the forrest because of the trees. Just rest assured that you are your dad and your dad is you and he loves u same for your mom.

As you have read from some of my post I'm a custodial parent and have been raising my daughter all her life 10 yrs and 8 yrs with custody. I live in fear of her mother trying to take her away from me because I'm asking her to pay child support and I'm modifying our visitation schedule. But I'm doing it because our child has different things going on in her life, not to attack her mother but she can't see that. When I'm alone and sit and think about the next 8 yrs of my childs youth it brings me to tears. Just the other day I told a friend that when our daughter gratuates from high school/college or gets married. I can't wait until the day I can wrap my arms around her mother and we can both cry in happiness that our child has succeeded and done well in her hard and difficult life. I have never said look how great our daughter is doing because of "me" I say that she's doing good because our child has applied herself and done it herself. I think it's wonderful that your parents are finally getting along and doing well. it's only right for the children.

PS. I think you and Misto.. has great view points here on the post. At times I don't agree but both of your views are top.

[dipper]

Ref...I dont see it as your mother was ever evil...perhaps selfish and obsessed with her own pain....but, 20 years ago this must have been so embarrassing and isolating for her.  I know some of what she experienced...though our situations may have differed, my ex is gay as well.  His admitting to this and leaving me for a man killed my dreams.  I had two small children - one a newborn - and never in a million years would I have ever envisioned raising them on my own.  To top it off, he admitted that he never truly loved me.  He thought i was a good person and that I could 'fix' him, and he wanted grandchildren for his mom.  Well, five years later, he knew I couldnt fix him, and he had given his mom two grandchildren, so he could move on.  

If you have ever loved someone completely and devoted your life to your marriage and home...and then find out they never loved you in that way....then you can understand.   for your mother, 20 years ago...she probably suffered societies prejudice as well.

I have my own religious beliefs, but the main belief I have is that God loves us all....and none of us lives in the other's shoes, so we cant blame...  I did have to work through anger..severe anger.  It didnt help that my ex is a chronic liar.  I finally forgave and even became happy that he left....but, not only that, I learned to accept that he lies constantly.

My children were my primary focus...I would not allow MY anger and MY hurt put our children in a war zone.  

My ex is not a good father.  He rarely ever sees the girls....he jumps from job to job.  Has nothing to do with his being gay, he is just selfish...

I am glad your mom has finally forgave and is able to accept your father as a person, and a friend...

[backwardsbike]

Wow! Thans so much for sharing this.  I htink what inspires me most of all is that inspite of what must truley have been horrible PAS you turned outt o be so loving and such a well centered person.  I'm been a member here for several years adn i always look forward to reading your posts exactly because of the way you are genuinely respectful of others.

You have truely given me hope for my situation.  I love my children so much but left go of the non custodial ones after years of my begging the court to help me by ordering counsleing with the children and me.  The court has stauchly refused saying that I've put the children thru enough since Ihad the nerve to walk out on htier father and marry a man with a mental illness.

This past April, after yet another false allegation by my 14.5 year old, DD I fianlly said- enough. It has become impossible for my husband to maintain his stability with the constant trips to court.  Since he and i have two younger kids who live with us ( very well thnak you!), I felt compelled to make the decison that supported the greatest amount of people.  I had pretty much figured that my kids were a lost cause as my ODS hasn't the back bone to stand up to the AP and my D Dis on thier bandwagon.  Reading your post gives me hope for the future.