to swim or not to swim? that is the question...

[iceclimber]

the newest in the days of our lives..

DD has been struggling with middle school. she is in all advanced classes and in a school for the arts. she is having trouble dealing with the criticism of her work. the class is really hard. the teacher even told us that if they get a C they are doing great.

DD is losing text books, gym clothes, putting off assignments to last minute.

we have been trying out a swim team that she wants to join. when i became aware of an assignment that she put off for a week and a text book that had been lost for two weeks, i realized just how much trouble she is having.
she is not normally like this. she loves school and is eager to do school work.
in her last year at elementary school she received a trophy for the highest GPA and another for honor roll all year.

because of these adjustment issues i was beginning to feel that adding an extracurricular activity may not be a good idea at this time. i spoke with BF and suggested we wait two weeks to give her a little more time to gain some stability.

he has responded by saying that he will be taking her to swim and that 'well, if you don't take her that's your responsibility'
'you can disappoint her if you wish'
oh, and that my reasons are not 'valid'. but that is what he says about concerns or what i have to say.

so now, what do i do for DD?  do i go ahead and take her to swim?

or do i help her focus on her schoolwork and overcome her struggles with this new school?

(we have a 50/50 rotating schedule)

i am afraid her grades will suffer based on what i have been seeing so far.

[Kitty C.]

I think you realize by now that you will get NO cooperation from the OP.  As for your daughter's education, it sounds like the advanced classes may be causing too much stress for her.  Is it possible to have her switched to regular classes?  I know that the OP will probably pitch a fit about that, too, but I think you should have a discussion with her teachers and ask them how they feel about it, including adding swimming to an already stressed out kid's schedule.

Because of the situation with the OP and how he likes to turn everything around to make you the 'bad guy', I would suggest a 'preliminary' meeting at the school, to find out if a 'meeting with the parents' is warranted.  (FYI:  it might also be a good idea to inform her teachers that she's having stress regarding her dad...it might help them put it all in perspective.)  Then have the school notify HIM about the meeting and how important it is that he attend.  It's very possible that they will tell you both that something has to go and if she's already having problems without the swimming, they may discourage her participation in it until she can get a handle on her schoolwork.  

And it would be better if it's coming directly from the teachers than from you only.  That doesn't change the possibility that he will still blame you, but even if he does, just consider the source and tell him if he has a problem with it, take it up with the teachers.....that gets YOU off the hook and keeps your dau. out of the middle.  And if he still wants to bitch about it, walk away...refuse to engage, because it has NOTHING to do with you, regardless of what he thinks.

[Ref]

I agree with Kitty.

If that doesn't work, call his bluff. Do not take her to swimming if you think it is detrimental to her school work. You only have to worry about her best interests and not being her friend, so just parent the way you would normally on your own time.

Take care,
Ref

[iceclimber]

as far as i know we did not choose to place her in advanced classes. right away when i realized that she was in all advanced classes, i was concerned.

she had a great deal of difficultly last year and the year before during the state testing weeks. she does not deal well under pressure.

i knew that my concern would not be given any merit if i brought it up to the BF. so i just hoped that she would adjust.

i really do not like telling teacher's things like that. i have told them that it was a high conflict custody situation and to let me know if she seemed to be having some problems.

it would definitely be better coming from the teachers.

[Kitty C.]

Well, if you've talked to them in the past and kind of given them a 'heads up' on the situation, then that's all the more reason to ask for a meeting with the teachers.  You mean the school placed her in advanced classes without discussing it with you first?  Or is this something the OP did?

You definitely need to stay on top of this and stay in contact with the school.  If she's having this much trouble now, it could cause serious problems down the road.........including completely detaching from her schoolwork, failing classes, and eventually dropping out.

Just curious...........does there seem to be a correlation between the length of time there's been difficulty between you and the OP and how long your daughter has had difficulty in school?  

State testing.....here in IA we have what is called the Iowa Test of the Basic Skills (ITBS).  They've been doing this for YEARS.........I started taking them in 3rd grade and that was back in the late 60's.  And I know that other states have adopted something similar based on the Iowa prototype.  Is this what you're talking about?  My son is ADHD and has NEVER tested well, even tho he's incredibly smart.  Some kids just don't test well, but as long as the school administration is aware of that, they shouldn't put as much emphasis on the final scores....our school didn't regarding my son.

Talk to the school and find out how they feel about this.  And demand a meeting with both parents and all the teachers your daughter has.  I would also ask to have a school counselor and/or administrator there as well.

[iceclimber]

as far as i know, the school placed her in advanced classes without discussing it with us.

we have always had conflict. it has gotten much worse over the past two years.

there was an incident that happened and involved the kids that occurred in january of 07... this is when the children began showing problems.

prior to that, the previous psychologist that he unilaterally chose to take them to (for court purposes) stated that they were very well adjusted. i had already told him that i didn't feel that they needed therapy and felt it was detrimental to burden them with it unnecessarily. i just allowed it to see what would happen.

the incident in 07...... he accused my husband of sexual abuse. again unilaterally taking the children to another psychologist to get dcf involved.
but he made a mistake and dcf ended up investigating him.
so, he really blew up in the therapist's office.

during this incident he involved the children by playing them against each other. asking DD if she showered with DD. she told him 'no way. that's gross.'
according to her... BF then told her that her brother told him that happened. she told me she knew he was lying and felt he was trying to tear us apart.
her brother walked in and her her tell me part of this and was upset to hear it.

he also interrogated our son. he had gotten in trouble at school about a note. the therapist feels he was shamed.

basically, they haven't been the same since.

we have the FCAT (florida)  and whether or not their grades are good, if they fail the FCAT they do not go on to the next grade.

[Kitty C.]

I can't believe that they would arbitrarily place your DD in advanced classes and NOT tell you about it!  Personally, I'd be marching down there in person and demanding what is going on and who's behind it!  Since my DS was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in 2nd grade (he's 19 now), I've been forced to be proactive in his education.  Even tho we live in a predominantly rural community and the school district is relatively small, I still had to stay on top of it or he would have fallen through the cracks.

I just can't believe that they would do that to your DD, even when she shows obvious signs of stress under pressure.  It's like they're setting her up for failure.  If nothing changes, it's always possible that she may keep internalizing more and more, to the point that when she can't do that anymore, she will have a breakdown.  Kids who try to do too much, or have too high expectations loaded on them, can compensation for a long time.  But when they go down, they will go down very quickly.  It's no different mentally than it is physically.  I'm an EMT and when we train for pediatrics, we're always reminded of how children can compensate much longer than adults can.  But that only means that when they go down, they literally 'crash'.  I'm not trying to scare you, but you do need to be aware of how all this can affect your DD and what the repercussions can be.

Given all that your DD has gone through, you still might want to consider having her see a counselor or pediatric psychologist.  She's been and still is going through a lot for a child her age and for her to exhibit such stress reactions at this young age can only lead to worse in the future unless it's taken care of now.  No, I'm not a child psychologist (but I certainly recommend them over therapists, considering what we've gone thru with DS), but the only reason I can think of as to why she is responding that way is in direct result of what she is dealing with in her family life and the school issue is just compounding it.

As for your original question, now that I know more about how it started, I have a different opinion about it.  It is very possible (mind you, I said 'possible') that swimming might be a way for her to get rid of some of the stress she's dealing with.  Personally, I think the bigger issue right now is what is going on at school and getting to the bottom of it.

[Davy]

It might best to defer to the father.

When AP was presented to my son, he and I discussed the very aspects of AP, researched the expected impact on college entrance, homework requirements, etc and then I went to TELL his favorite teacher what HE decided.  It really was not a big issue.  

Extracurricular activities were encouraged by this parent and the school.  

Basically, you may want to consider to stop thinking you need to do everyhing for your daughter and allow her the freedom to be responsible for and accomplish things on her own.  Your direction, encouragement, and positive motivation may promote her self gratification.

That would be the best you can do for your daughter in the short run and the long run.  Whatever it takes !!

[iceclimber]

i will talk with the school about it.

it had occurred to me that swim could be an outlet for her to relieve the stress. and i don't want to take that away.

BF only ever took DS to the therapist. and i tried to set up many appointments with the same therapist that BF chose for DD. BF kept canceling the appointments. putting it off... it was obvious that she needed help. she had a breakdown in the ER one night and refused to go with BF. i still don't know what was going on there, except that she may have heard him say that i was going to jail.

so after that BF said that she could begin therapy after spring break. never happened. he still canceled appointments.

then summer came... and they travel a lot during the summer. BF and I agreed that we would restart therapy for both children when school began. we even agreed on the psychologist (since the last therapist moved).

now... same thing. canceling appointments. interfering with them getting help and making excuses. i didn't even choose this office.

this is the way it usually works though... when BF shows out (ie yelling at physician, etc) in an office. it isn't long before he wants to change to another physician. and he has done it multiple times.

so i have been given advice.. that since he is unreasonably interfering with the children receiving psychological care when it is evident that they need it, then no judge would hold me in contempt for keeping the appointment information from him.

i don't know how i feel about this. i am afraid to do that.
i've always given him all info about the kids.

[Kitty C.]

.....what is more important:  Your child's sanity or pissing off your ex.  To me, it's a no-brainer.  Do the appt., regardless of what the ex says or does.

Personally, I would talk to the school first.  Get to the bottom of what's going on there, because it's possible that if her schedule and classes can be worked out to reduce her stress there, that may be half the battle.

Make damn sure you have documentation on the missed and/or cancelled appts.  Because, no doubt, he will file contempt on you if you take her to a psychologist on your own without conferring with him.  You will need that documentation to prove to the court (and show a pattern) that the OP is unwilling to get the help his child needs.