Evaluator duped by mom, ignored evidence. Now what?

[DecentDad]

Soc,

Evaluator's report came yesterday, and we have trial next week.

(via final invoice) He met with biomom 11 hours, me 6.75 hours, my wife 2 hours.

Biomom threw out a few hundred untrue allegations against me, and some of them stuck in his factual conclusions... that I don't let daughter hold her blankets while sleeping, that I was inappropriate during potty training, that I didn't report a medical condition, etc.

Evidence submitted to him can rip apart the "facts" he presented in his report.  His background info apparently was based primarily on "facts" gathered during the interviews.

Evaluator made no mention that biomom's stories to him contradict things she said in depositions and previous correspondence between us.

He didn't make mention of the outrageous things biomom has said about me... that my cats are feral and pose a danger (they're normal housecats), that I starve daughter, etc.  I emphasized that she's a compulsive liar and doesn't admit to any faults, and evidence showed many dozens of her lies.

My wife and I had normal ranges on MMPI2 and Millon.  Biomom had an elevated scale outside normal range on MMPI2, which he interpreted as her inability to accept responsibility for her problems and blame others (but he made no reference to how that plays in our co-parenting difficulties).  Biomom had an elevated scale on Millon, which he interpreted as her difficulty in planning, being organized, and making decisions effectively.

He found my ex "charming".  He found me reserved except when talking about daughter or interacting with daughter, when I "lit up" and was much more lively and engaged.  I'm naturally a reserved guy.  My ex is a charmer, who cons people into believing her.  Her depositions show her fixation and venom toward me, if he had only read them.

He commended my ex for doing wonderful things with her very small one-bedroom apt.  He merely described my 3 bedroom home as appropriate for daughter.

He didn't call any of my collaterals.  He didn't call past therapists seen for co-parenting counseling (though he had releases).  He only called therapist that ex had taken daughter to several times during the evaluation, and he noted I refused to participate (i.e., I told him that my attorney told me not to get involved with that therapist).  He called a friend of biomom's as a collateral, along with daughter's preschool teacher (who said daughter seems to be bonded to both parents).

He concluded that none of us have parenting problems.

His home visit with me described daughter, stepmom, and I had having a great time together (her laughing, squealing with delight, sitting on my lap for reading books), but that it seemed "scripted" though daughter was genuinely having fun.  It wasn't scripted.  Just about any positive comment about me was balanced with some negative jab.

His home visit with biomom described daughter playing for a little while, then having a tantrum for much of the remainder of the time while she and biomom argued.  He observed that she seemed more comfortable there.  I had told him that it seems daughter and biomom have constant power struggles due to her permissive parenting-- and even though he observed it, he made no mention of this.

If evaluator had bothered reading through the evidence, his factual conclusions would be much different.  So, there's obvious potential to rip apart his conclusions on facts.

Reading between the lines of the report, he believed biomom over me on the background info and facts.  Biomom is a classically trained actor, but he never put two-and-two together.

There was no evidence for her allegations.  There was evidence refuting them.  He ignored it.

No mention in his report that I had to go Ex Parte for permission to take daughter out of state for Thanksgiving to be with family (i.e., because both parent's permission is required under temp orders), that biomom denied my vacation time, that biomom threatened to prevent daughter from my wedding.  Though evidence showed daughter was still nursing at the start of my overnights when she was 2.5 years, he believed biomom's story that daughter was weaned but had to return to nursing on non-lactating breasts due to the stress of overnights.

Biomom is so convincing, she even swayed him that her family's X-mas and Easter traditions are so deep, that she should have daughter for both holidays every year (i.e., even though he noted step-mom and I observe Christmas).  WTF?

His bottom-line conclusion is that daughter is strongly bonded to all three of us, that we're all capable parents.

Biomom wanted sole custody and to move 400 miles away.  I likewise wanted sole custody.  We both told him that joint was impossible, given the past 3 years of strife.

He recommended joint custody.  He said specifically that it is in daughter's best interest that she not move away, as she has strong and important bonds with me and stepmom.  He suggests keeping the status quo custodial schedule but a couple minor modifications to increase my timeshare from approx 30% to 35%.  He said to increase timeshare to 50/50 in two years.  He didn't explain why the wait was needed.  He recommends 6 months of counseling for each of us (i.e., but he knows that I've been engaged in psychotherapy throughout the past 4 years, and my psychiatrist-- whom he said he respects-- was a collateral witness).  He makes no recommendations on decision-making, which has been the biggest on-going conflicts between the parents.

He believes that we can work out our difficulties.  Aside from a single mention of her psych test scores, he doesn't consider her psychological elevated scale that SHE BLAMES OTHERS RATHER THAN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY as any barrier in this.

So $15k later, we're going in to court with the same he-said-she-said stories, recommendations for the status quo.

And, BTW, we're facing a new judge, as the judge who has in the past given her warnings to behave has retired.

1.  Presuming the factual conclusions about the allegations against me can be disproven at trial, does that carry much weight in an outcome?  Recall that he thinks biomom, stepmom, and I are all good parents.

2.  Is it reasonable when both parents celebrate X-mas that he'd suggest only biomom should have daughter for X-mas and Easter?  Is the court actually in a position to essentially measure who's more devout and hence deserving to spend it with daughter?

3.  Is it a concern that he spent nearly 5 hours more talking with biomom in March and April, when he told me in early March that he didn't need to talk with me further?

4.  I'm very unhappy that psych tests pointed to exactly the issues that cause so many of our problems, but he made no ties of the results to our situation (nor did he say that they're not relevant).  What do you suggest?

5.  Though he finds daughter is bonded strongly to all three of us (and that she has a private bedroom in my home, unlike biomom's), he made some seeming arbitrary and unexplained recommendation to wait two years until 50/50 timeshare.  Is this typical that an evaluator would just suddenly have something in a recommendation with no reference to why?

Thank you, Soc, for your thoughts.

DD

[socrateaser]

You're asking me to evaluate your summary of the evaluation. I'm not gonna do that. Please post the exact text of the evaluator's conclusions/summary, and I'll let you know what I think.

On a side note, your post evidences extreme frustration. I told you that overcoming the other parent's de facto custody is nearly impossible, unless you uncover some serious mental distress or criminal activity. Like it or not, you had a child with this woman. I know it is impossible to get along with her and that she is driving you nuts, but you have to GET OVER IT! Your ex is here to stay, and you're gonna stroke out if you don't get past your anger.

[DecentDad]

Ok.  I'm frustrated more than angry.  I was waiting three years for this moment, documenting and playing the high road.  But that's where we are now.  I've never forgotten my uphill barriers on this.

Synopsis...

His discussion (I don't have exact test because I can't have a copy of the report to take with me)...

All three of us (biomom, stepmom, and I) are all excellent parents.  Daughter has very strong bonds with all of us.  All three of us passed the parenting assessments fine.

All three of us had defensive but valid scores on the psych tests, defensiveness similar to other parents involved in custody litigation.

My wife and I fell in normal range on all scales.  My wife has actually below average indicators of psychopathology, whereas I was average.

On MMPI2, biomom had elevated scale beyond normal range in (term forgotten) which suggests she blames others and externalizes for her own faults, she's a victim, and she has a strong need to be validated and liked.

On Millon, biomom had elevated scale beyond normal range in (term forgotten) which suggests she has difficulty managing and organizing her life and making decisions.

Evaluator reported those scales but made no connection to the custody dispute, nor the role they may play in the conflict.

Evaluator discusses that we only see the worst in each other, and that if we could be invisible in each other's homes, we'd see that the other parent is a good parent.

Home visits apparently went fine.  Daughter was in tantrum during most of biomom's home visit, but he didn't write any concerns about it (though in my discussions with him, I told him that they constantly struggled based on my observations).

Office visits went fine.  Daughter reported to him that she likes both her homes.

Daughter's therapist (who I've never seen) reported that daughter tells her many negative things about my home, but evaluator notes mother is present in those sessions.

His recommendations:

A. Joint custody.

B. It's not in daughter's best interest to move with mother, that daughter should not be removed from any of the three of us.  He makes reference to the recent CA caselaw that if best interest is the true measure in move-aways, it should not occur.

C. He then recommends that IF the move-away is ordered, the parenting schedule should be two weekends monthly that mother brings daughter to my home.

D. Mother has family tradition of Christmas, so daughter should be with her every year.  Same with Easter.  He acknowledges that stepmom and I also observe Christmas, but that mother's tradition seems more important.

E. Keep current schedule but make 2-night weekends into 3-night weekends (i.e., alternating weekends with mid-week sleepover).

F.  Make exchanges at preschool whenever possible, else identify a neutral public place halfway between homes (this was my request).

G.  Each parent gets 2 consecutive weeks of vacation every summer.  I pick my time first in 2004, she picks her time first in 2005.

H.  When daughter starts first grade, increase parenting time to 50/50 on a 5-2 / 2-5 schedule.  No explanation for why there must be a two year wait on this.

G.  Both parents go to counseling for 6 months to resolve anger toward each other.

H.  Appoint a special master to resolve future conflicts.



So, I have plenty of evidence to refute some factual inaccuracies he made about me.  I don't know if it'll do anything.  Probably not.  He doesn't think she has a serious mental illness.

1.  Thoughts?

DD

[United]

DD,

I have no great words of wisdom for you or your wife, but I very much identify with your situation.  Our bio-mom sounds extremely similar to your  ex wife.  She is always described as "charming" and she beguiles all men near and far.  However, she is a chronic liar and apparently coated in teflon as nothing ever seems to stick.  

We just went through a mediation process and co-parenting sessions that were riddled with her false allegations, bald face lies and the most common tool in her arsenal, the lie by omission.  

Of course there was no agreement in mediation, but our report was for Dad physical, Mom visitation one night a week.  We had as much documentation as we could to counter her lies.  But what really sunk her was her own choices.  Many men.  Many moves.  Violent men.  No structure in the home.  No discipline.  etc.  These were noted in the report.  However, the mediator didn't "see" as much of the lies and PAS towards Dad as we would have hoped, just the poor choices involving the kids.

Now, we have this positive recommendation but she has already lined up a new attorney to buy more time (our hearing is in a week) and she intends to go to trial.  My question is whether or not the judge will adopt the recommendation at the hearing and tell her she can pursue trial if she wishes?  Not adopt the recommendation and allow the continuance?  Or send us all for a full evaluation with psych testing (which I think would bring her personality issues to the surface, but would take even more time and $$$$).  I'm praying he adopts it.  It has taken 3 years to get to this point due to her delay tactics.  

I'm sorry to go on about our situation.  I really just wanted to say that I feel your frustration in not having her "found out".  I think that has been the most difficult aspect.  That she is so different to others than she is to us and the kids.  It's crazy making.  It is so diffucult, but try to let the frustration transition into an attitude of "I've done my best and will continue to, but there may be bigger plan here that I can't see".  

Good luck - I wish for that those in a postion to help will "see" the truth!

[socrateaser]

If I were you, I'd spend some time at the courthouse viewing hearings by your judge. You should quickly get a feel for how this report will be received by the court. That would be better than any analysis I could make. The eval is rather non-commital, so I'd say it's still a crap shoot.

[DecentDad]

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[DecentDad]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, United.

Unfortunately, my ex isn't so over-the-top as yours, so that's the biggest challenge in showing the constant insidious, covert stuff that isn't as obvious as crimes, addictions, etc.

But, yeah, I feel your pain as well and appreciate your well wishes.

DD

[antonin]

I emphathize with you. My situation was very similiar and the report was very similiar. The evaluator omitted valuable evidence I present to him. When confronted with "he said-she said" he believed her, always. And..yes..my ex is a classically trained actress, but even more important, she is well trained in "method" acting based on the work of Stanislaviski. In method acting, falsehoods are difficult to detect because the method system is based on the actor believing what they are saying. I suspect your ex is using method acting on the evaluator. Or maybe this is just a matter of syntax. As a professor of theater, to me,  the word "classical" means Shakespeare, the Greeks, Moliere, etc. But if she has studied these forms, she has also been introduced to method acting in some fashion, since it is often applied to them in modern productions. Those stupid evaluator do not realize the connection between acting and a histronic personality, (The Roman word "histrones" means "actors."  I've never met a good actress who did not have a strong histronic personality.

Now..what to do. Well, I ended up with 50/50.I lost my house, thousands of dollars, and have to pay extra child support and alimony for 3 years. But I'm with my kid.  If I were you, I would consider 50/50 a win and try to get it. But I would sure as hell get that crap about 2 years out of there. My wife's attorney made the point that I could not wait long to move to where daughter was, becuase if I did , the custodial environment would be establised and it would be disruptive to daughter. So I signed a stip and it gave me 18 months to move and I did. That sound like a trick. Could they claim in 2 years that there has been a change in circumstances (daughter has adjusted to her mother's world)  and screw you good? Get whatever you do in a tight-ass stip. Soc was very good helping me draft a move away clause for my stip.

keep us infomed. good luck.

[DecentDad]

Antonin,

Not only was my ex trained in method acting, but her masters thesis was on some famous student of Stanislavski's (I forgot her name, Dulce or something like that).

And... her primary (limited) income is teaching Stanislavski acting to adults, along with some limited teaching of drama to kids.

The MMPI scale on which she scored high is "Hysteria", scale 3.

She charmed the evaluator.  He even included in his report that she's "charming."

It's still up in the air as to what I'll do.  Meeting with attorney tomorrow.

Thanks for your thoughts.

DD

[MYSONSDAD]

I got the identical case. What books do these women read that they do so much of the same stuff? It is like they are all carbon copy.

Just thought you would like to know, you are far from being alone.

Good Luck!
 
"Children learn what they live"