preventative measures needed

[antonin]

For many years, my son, (28) from another marriage would regularly visit my daughter at Christmas and the summer. He did this from the time daughter was born. The last time he visited was in July of 2002. In approximately early January of 2003, my ex-wife informed me that a counselor from a women's shelter had made a call to CPS concerning an alleged incident between my son and daughter.


   I have tried to recreate the event that started this situation and have received bits and pieces from my daughter.  EX enrolled herself and daughter immediately in the same women's shelter referred to above after EX filed for divorce in Sept. 2001. Two therapists from the shelter wrote FOC evaluator who investigated our custody case stating that daughter and her mother "exhibited most of the signs and symptoms of persons exiting abusive relationships."

The FOC evaluator recommended 50/50 custody and I have been doing that since Oct 03.
Daughter did not attend individual therapy at the shelter on a regular basis, but was part of a group. This went on for 2 years. Apparently there was an exercise  (Jan 2003) wherein the children were first asked to draw pictures of anyone who hurt them, identify that person, and then put some kind of sticker on that person. The way the exercise was conducted that every child was required to name someone that hurt them and the next child was not called upon until the previous child had named someone.


My daughter named my son. Later, in talking with my daughter about the incident, she stated that my son did not hurt her and they were just playing and does not seem at all disturbed by the incident.
I never saw the report. My ex claimed that Jennifer stated that Wiley had "tied her up."  The women's shelter called CPS. CPS called the cops. The cops came to my house in Feb. 2003. They did not investigate because my son did not live in Michigan, but in Arizona.


My son was advised by an attorney not to talk to daughter or myself back in Jan 2003. My son is a junior high school teacher in AZ. My daughter is 9 years old now. Well, it's August 2004 now and my son and daughter have been talking on the phone regularly. I want to take my daughter to Universal studios in October and have my son meet us there. I am worried that my EX can screw things up. She has a real motivation to do so: since I have 50/50, her child support will be cut in half Jan 06. (from 1000 to 500.00 a month) her 3-year alimony (860.00 a month) will end. She has no income but these two sources. It is in her best financial interest to defeat the 50/50 so she can get full child support.

1) What can I do to protect myself from her potential allegations?
2) Is the CPS thing that happened in Jan 03 relevant now?
3) Am I doing something that can be used against me in court my having daughter talk to or visit son?
   

[TGB]

Just about anything you do can be distorted by the ex and used in court. I would be careful to document everything (see http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm).

The best way to defend against these types of accusations is with lots of video and pictures. Take a video camera and make sure your are recording your daughter when she first sees your son. Pay close attention to her expression and behavior. Does she run up to him for a hug? Does she act afraid of him? Most likely she will be excited to see him, and that will be good evidence that she is most definitely not afraid of him. That will be the best way to refute these allegations. Take lots of photos and videos of the two of them interacting throughout the day.

Secondly, though it sounds like it's really not necessary in order to protect your daughter, it would be a good idea to make sure your son is never alone with her. This way you can honestly say there was no opportunity for abuse and show that you took reasonable precautions just in case the accusations were true, though you did not believe them. Had you believed there was any basis to the accusations, you would not have allowed the visit at all (this is where that videotape comes in handy). This also protects your son from any future allegations.

I strongly recommend that you DOCUMENT EVERYTHING on an ongoing basis. Keep a journal and write down everything you and your daughter do during your time together, any contacts with other people, anything at all that happens in regards to your daughter.

[antonin]

Thanks so much for you astute advice. I am already documenting everything. I use Optimal. As for visual evidence, i take pictures all the time and video. I have a digital video editor and DVD burning capability.

My visual evidence is what convinced the custody evaluator to recommend 50/50: there was just too much evidence of my daughter enjoying her life with me for someone to believe i beat her and hit her (wife's allegations).  

[DecentDad]

Hey Antonin,

Sorry that you're faced with this.

A tactic that I did to immediately and fully diffuse an abuse allegation (i.e., locking up daughter in her room for long periods of time, based upon a conversation biomom recorded with daughter) was to take a polygraph.

Upon my attorney's urging, I took a polygraph the day after his office received a copy of the recording.  My attorney referred me to someone credible (i.e., a former Secret Service examiner), and it cost me $400.

48 hours after the recorded conversation had started circulating, my polygraph results started making its rounds too (i.e., "Have you ever locked or restrained your daughter in any room?  NO).

As long as I was there, I also threw in a couple more statements (i.e,. "When you were arrested, was 'biomom' the assailant and you the victim?  YES;   "Has 'biomom' ever told you that if you got custody of daughter, she'd find you and shoot you?"  YES)

I passed my polygraph exam.

Polygraphs aren't admissable in court without both parties' consent, so I think that's why most attorneys wouldn't think of it.

However, in my situation, it was used to stop any investigation before it started and to show the custody evaluator the results (i.e., evaluators don't have to follow evidence rules).  A nice benefit was that opposing counsel thereafter stopped hammering my DV arrest (no conviction) and never mentioned the recording.

The evaluator's only comment on the pretty damning recording (i.e., 3 year old child describing to mother how daddy locks her in her room) is that the child was either engaged in imagination or had been coached.

So... if you and your son are willing to go through the polygraphs, it could be very helpful to show everyone except judges.

It's a bit of expense, but it's also something to have in your back pocket if ever needed... and it could possibly give you some immediate breathing room and avoid a witch hunt if an investigation ever starts.

Then again, I read Soc's advice, and that's the ultimate way to avoid it.  But how do you PROVE that son hasn't been around?!

Best,
DD