How to prove emotional abuse?

[DecentDad]

Soc,

My 4 and a half year old daughter reported to me today when discussing her recent "therapy" with the ultra-biased single mom therapist of biomom's choosing that she only talks about bad things about me because that's all the therapist and momma want to hear.  She listed a couple of the long-standing idiotic allegations her mom has been harping on for two years as the recent discussion topics in therapy.

That part didn't come as a shock.  This LMFT therapist has been around for a year and has found biomom's word as gospel.  She assessed my mental health without ever having met me or reviewed my psych tests (normal).  I recently filed a complaint against her with the state board for violation of numerous professional codes that I looked up (details irrelevant here).  I figure that having filed the complaint would at least provide some protection if therapist makes a future report against me, due to looking like retaliation.

In today's discussion, daughter also mentioned that "momma said I'll never see you again."  This is the worst I've heard, but I've heard bits and pieces for a while of biomom's disparagement of me to daughter.

Today, I was able to flick on a tape recorder I carry in my car in case of bad exchanges with biomom.

Daughter described-- many times (with me asking her pretend vs real, which we've done since she was a toddler to ascertain truth vs imagination)-- her mother saying this, that momma said it will "fix it" for daughter not to see me anymore.  Daughter couldn't explain what "fix it" means.  Daughter said that momma told her this alone at home, not with therapist or anyone else.  I asked her a couple recent events for context of time period (i.e., did momma say it before you did XYZ or after?), and it seem like it isn't too recent that she heard this.

Yet, daughter appeared very troubled by it.  We talked it out, made sure she knew she wasn't the problem, gave her empathy for it must be hard to hear things like that, that sometimes adults get angry at each other, made a secret promise between her and I that we'll make sure she always gets to see her mom and dad, made a second promise (at her questioning what if momma still "fixes it") that if momma did that, I'd look and search all over until I found her again, blah blah blah.  Daughter seemed relieved by the end of it all.

All of that was caught on tape.

At dinner blessing, I added on thanks (we sometimes do additional items for thanks) for our talk today and that we made those promises.  Daughter again engaged on the topic about what momma said, and I clicked on the tape recorder (got it from another room) a few sentences into it.  Daughter sequed into some things she does at momma's house, including mentioning that she's still nursing (last verified at 4 years).

I've passed polygraph on allegations made about me, and threats of violence made against me by biomom.

Biomom had abnormally high paranoia scales in our psych testing, high tendency to blame others for her own issues, etc.  But nothing bad enough to lose custody.

1.  If proven that mother told daughter that she'll "fix it" so daughter never sees me again, would that constitute change of circumstance due to emotional abuse?

2.  How to prove it?  Tape recording is one thing, but obviously anyone can coach a child outside of a recording.  Would child psychologist be able to listen to the tape and offer expert opinion?  Should I take child secretly to a child psychologist to offer an expert opinion if child was really told this-- and would that testimony be enough?

3.  Is my immediate action critical to this?  After dropping off daughter tomorrow morning, I have two brief dinners next week and don't have extended time until pick-up from preschool next Friday.

I'm really trying to detach from how sick it's getting, as this stuff is supposed to happen to other parents' kids.

Thanks for your thoughts.

DD

[socrateaser]

>1.  If proven that mother told daughter that she'll "fix it"
>so daughter never sees me again, would that constitute change
>of circumstance due to emotional abuse?

Change of circumstances on grounds of affirmatively acting against the child's best interests by attempting to alienate the child from the other parent. Also, deliberate alienation is contempt.

>
>2.  How to prove it?  Tape recording is one thing, but
>obviously anyone can coach a child outside of a recording.
>Would child psychologist be able to listen to the tape and
>offer expert opinion?  Should I take child secretly to a child
>psychologist to offer an expert opinion if child was really
>told this-- and would that testimony be enough?

Yes, and it doesn't have to be secret, but I wouldn't announce it, either.

>
>3.  Is my immediate action critical to this?  After dropping
>off daughter tomorrow morning, I have two brief dinners next
>week and don't have extended time until pick-up from preschool
>next Friday.

I would consider filing a motion to modify custody (again), and submit the tapes as evidence. Even if the other parent denies it all, the tapes should give the court sufficient grounds to order the child evaluated by a different expert.

[DecentDad]

We (wife and I) have spent much time discussing the balance between being able to live our lives, have a child, buy a home, etc., against the potentially endless litigation that has us tapped out.  

At this point, with supposed final orders (whenever they get signed), our planning is now long-term with the child custody... if it won't save us money or won't change joint custody to sole, we don't need to litigate.

Custody evaluator was a clinical psychologist who spent seven months with us and pretty much concluded that both parties are excellent parents who just need to resolve anger toward each other.  There were 2 pages of reporting on his clinical psych findings on biomom, but no discussion of how it's playing a role in the situation.  He didn't believe (or care) about the on-going actions I showed of mother with regard to interfering with the child/dad relationship.  I share all this to note this report came in May 2004, and the evaluator purportedly spent much time examining us.

My judge of two and a half years, who had seen me at Ex Partes, motions to enforce, motions to modify, unfortunately retired right before our trial (he had started lecturing biomom at the end).  New judge has 30 years on the bench, is reputed to be no-nonsense, and in the little bit I saw of him, he ordered sanctions against a party under 271 for excessive litigation.

New judge's only exposure to my case is the custody eval report.  He told parties that neither of us would like his ruling if we went to trial (biomom was trying for a move-away despite evaluator's recommendation against it), and we settled.

1.  Would the weight of a lengthy custody eval report delivered just in May 2004 squash concerns about this evidence?

2.  Relative to other scenarios, what's the gravity of this evidence (and presumed expert testimony about child's true reporting of it, and lets say even a court-appointed expert concludes same) play for a change of custody from joint to sole?  A roll of the dice?

3.  If I were your client-- and we know that a vindictive nutjob will always be a vindictive nutjob-- would you advise that it'd advance my long-term goals to move to modify now, or advise to stay the course, document these things that will likely continue, and wait to have several such incidents before moving to modify?

Thanks, Soc.

DD

[socrateaser]

>1.  Would the weight of a lengthy custody eval report
>delivered just in May 2004 squash concerns about this
>evidence?

No.

>
>2.  Relative to other scenarios, what's the gravity of this
>evidence (and presumed expert testimony about child's true
>reporting of it, and lets say even a court-appointed expert
>concludes same) play for a change of custody from joint to
>sole?  A roll of the dice?

It depends on the credibility of the expert. Respected expert will get the court's attention.

>
>3.  If I were your client-- and we know that a vindictive
>nutjob will always be a vindictive nutjob-- would you advise
>that it'd advance my long-term goals to move to modify now, or
>advise to stay the course, document these things that will
>likely continue, and wait to have several such incidents
>before moving to modify?

I don't know your child. If I was hearing all sorts of terrible things out of her, I would still want to ascertain how it was actually affecting her mental state. Sometimes a "Baby, don't worry about what mommy says, I'll always love you and I won't ever go away," will defeat all of the nonsense from the other side (ed. op.).

[DecentDad]

Ok, thanks.

>I don't know your child. If I was hearing all sorts of
>terrible things out of her, I would still want to ascertain
>how it was actually affecting her mental state. Sometimes a
>"Baby, don't worry about what mommy says, I'll always love you
>and I won't ever go away," will defeat all of the nonsense
>from the other side (ed. op.).

That's where it seems to be.  After 15 minutes of talking, she seemed satisfied with our secret promise that she'll always get to see her mom and dad.

I guess I didn't consider that daughter's overall adjustment could play into what the court would do in the face of biomom attempting to alienate her (i.e., less drastic ruling if the alienation attempts don't seem to be working).  IS THIS TRUE?

This is a child who at age three first commented that her mom is a fibber, and a year ago concluded on her own that "Momma's mad at daddy but daddy's not mad at momma."

My relationship at this point doesn't seem affected by it.

[socrateaser]

>I guess I didn't consider that daughter's overall adjustment
>could play into what the court would do in the face of biomom
>attempting to alienate her (i.e., less drastic ruling if the
>alienation attempts don't seem to be working).  IS THIS TRUE?

The court is SUPPOSED to listen to the facts and apply the law and then rule. If you could count on your judge doing just that, then you should move for custody and contempt.

But, we know that judges don't always do as they're supposed to do. You could go to the judge's courtroom and watch a day of hearings and see if he's really the hardass that he says he is or not. Or, you can just let it go for now.

[DecentDad]

Okay, thanks.

I've only noticed one thing with him that stands out more than other judges I've experienced (i.e., my consistent one, and temporary ones).

He really screws the party that tries to defraud him.

I saw a husband claiming to have no income.  Mother pointed out father's lifestyle (all owned by his company), had records of most recent quarter gross sales of his business.  Mother's counsel was suggesting to impute father's income at $30k to $50k per month.  Judge ruled that because he has no other information except the clearly incorrect information father provided he'll impute father's income as equal to the company's net income.  He gave mother $80k/month in child/spouse support and $250k for attorney fees to prepare for trial.

He's also apparently well-known for a case years ago when a woman tried to hide her lottery winnings to avoid splitting half with husband, and judge ruled that due to the fraud (some discretion the court has?), husband would get 100% of the lottery winnings as part of dissolution.

I did Westlaw search for him, and out of a dozen or so cases that went to appellate/supreme from his court, he was affirmed on all but one, and that one was remanded with instructions, not reversed.

On motions involving best interest arguments, he seemed just as "keep the status quo or else continue the hearing" oriented as all the other judges I've seen.  Didn't react much to allegations either way.

So on the child support stuff, I think he'd be fine.  My ex will try to convince him that she earns $200/month with $3000/month expenses.

On the best interest stuff, if it's technical, I think he'd be fine (e.g., if I were doing contempt for visitation interference).  On the more subjective stuff (e.g., alienation), who knows?

DD

[kitten]

Good luck, DD.