Needing your Expertise

[dipper]

Soc, we are in VA - bm has primary phsycial with shared joint legal.  In june, judge signed a temporary order keeping that course as then 12 year old ss wanted to live with dh.  BM had moved two hours away, and ss did not want to move.  

SS is doing fine in school academically, though his grades could be better but bm does not make him do homework.  He does not have scheduled time to do this, encouragement, or any help.  (He is in all special ed classes)  He is not doing any homework and his teachers say that he would be doing much better grade wise if he did.  The one weekend he brought his books, he did his homework without complaint and we helped him when he would get stuck.  He says that bm will not allow him to bring books - and I believe him as that one time she had went to the school to get books from him, but he wouldnt give them up.

Now, we had got him into counseling in October.  BM didnt see it as necessary, but once we made the arrangements, she completely took over.  Since that time she has fussed and griped about it being dumped on her, and even wrote a letter saying she would not pay one dime of it!  

Counselor thinks bm is totally into counseling.  Counselor has remarked many times to us how bm is always so helpful and concerned.....counselor also states that ss is 13 and bm cannot get him to do his homework.  She thinks his behavior could be worse, so him getting in trouble and suspended from school twice in the past two months is not big deal.  She also states that she thinks ss is happy and wants to remain where he is - even though he says that he wants to live with dh.

Of course, we are unhappy with the situation.  If bm cannot even get 13 year old to do homework (she has never made him do it), then what chance does she have of getting him to do anything she says at 16?  And the counselor really doesnt see homework as important!  He has been in more trouble since he began counseling than before.  Also, if he is saying he wants to move here and counselor insists that he is happy there.....She is also takes everything ss says at face value.  We know he steals, but she thinks he is doing great.

Soc, both dh and bm had to sign consent forms.  There medical copays are 75/25 respectively.  We simply do not feel the counseling has benefited ss and the counselor's ethics are in opposition to what we want ss to learn..............Is there anything we can do?

If dh writes all this in letter form and sends it to bm as well as counselor, would this release him from responsibility?  (we feel confident that bm will not continue if she has to pay full visits)



While bm has been against it to dh, he feels certain she will demand for ss to go if he doesnt see the point.  Is there anything that can be done?





Last, but not least, if ss is saying he wants to live with dh - and counselor speaks for the other side and says he is happy where he is at, how badly will this hurt dh's chances of getting primary custody?

[socrateaser]

Don't forget to number your questions, please.

>Soc, both dh and bm had to sign consent forms.  There medical
>copays are 75/25 respectively.  We simply do not feel the
>counseling has benefited ss and the counselor's ethics are in
>opposition to what we want ss to learn..............Is there
>anything we can do?

Hmmm. Difficult set of choices. Start by sending a letter to the counselor, and copying other parent. Review all the facts that led up to the counseling, what you believe the counselor has advised and undertaken as a course of action, and then state the facts that have occurred since counselling began.

Then say, that unless you're missing something, that the facts demonstrate that the counseling is not producing the expected positive results, and, that unless the counselor has some articulable rationale why counseling should continue, that you would like to try a different counselor.

Then, see how the counselor (and the other parent) responds. What you want to do is show that you are only interested in the child's best interests and that this is nothing personal and not about money. More than likely, when faced with a very fact-specific letter that questions the efficacy of the process, the counselor will think: "I'm being set up for a malpractice action here, so I'm OUT!"

And that will be the end of it. If not, you will have a "response" that you can use to write a letter saying something like:

"After reading your response, I find that you are providing no predictable outcome to this process, and as I believe that my child's condition is continuing to deteriorate, I am forced to withdraw my consent for any future care, and I am notifying you that I will no longer be responsible for further payment for what I believe is not reasonable healthcare for our minor child."

>While bm has been against it to dh, he feels certain she will
>demand for ss to go if he doesnt see the point.  Is there
>anything that can be done?
>
See above.

>Last, but not least, if ss is saying he wants to live with dh
>- and counselor speaks for the other side and says he is happy
>where he is at, how badly will this hurt dh's chances of
>getting primary custody?

It will hurt alot. You will need another expert to disagree ($$$).

[DecentDad]

Hi,

Details of my situation were much different but largely irrelevant.

I disagreed with biomom's choice of therapist from the beginning.  I never signed consent.  I met once with therapist to ascertain why my daughter was being treated.  Therapist was a kook, lacked insight, and didn't have measurable objectives.  She obviously was very biased towards biomom's position.

I looked at my state's Board of Behavioral Science, which issues licenses, and looked at the conduct codes.  I noted several potential areas of misconduct.

I filed a complaint with the Board.  I understood that it could potentially open a hornet's nest... but it was also some insurance if therapist ever testified against me (i.e., it could look retaliatory after my complaint).

My complaint passed initial review of the state Board, warranting an investigation (still no conclusion as of yet).

I then sent correspondence to the therapist, cc'ing the state board (and therapist knew I cc'd the state board), outlining three pages of factual inaccuracies upon which her "treatment summary" is based.

Trying to offer her a graceful "out," at the end of my correspondence, I suggested to the therapist that if she were truly concerned with best interest of my daughter, there is too much poison between her and I for an effective relationship in treating my daughter and that she should refer the parents to another therapist of their mutual decision.

Her short reply admitted no fault, said "we must agree to disagree", and conceded that it's probably best for daughter to see someone else.

In short-- I followed the advice to make a therapist's life a bit difficult (through proper channels affecting their business; not really my particular case), and she dropped out of the picture immediately.

DD

[dipper]

>Last, but not least, if ss is saying he wants to live with dh
>- and counselor speaks for the other side and says he is happy
>where he is at, how badly will this hurt dh's chances of
>getting primary custody?

It will hurt alot. You will need another expert to disagree ($$$).


Soc, we only got this counselor because ss is only with us Friday evening - Sunday evening.  Around here, no one works on the weekend.  Also, this counselor had bm to sign a consent form as well, and I am weary that any other counselor may do the same.  I am going to discuss writing letters as you described with my hubby.  That along with the post about it showing a possible 'bias' because of his complaint may help somewhat in court.

I would also like to state that present counselor is LPC, and it is possible that an actual Psychiatrist may in ss' best interest.

Thank you for all your help!!!

[dipper]

"I filed a complaint with the Board. I understood that it could potentially open a hornet's nest... but it was also some insurance if therapist ever testified against me (i.e., it could look retaliatory after my complaint)."

Thank you.  My hubby will probably go the route Soc was referring to initially to see if that yields desired results.  I think it would be possible, if the counselor does testify for their side, that it may look as if she is biased because hubby was not happy with her counseling.  

My hubby was willing and prepared to take ss to all appointments - but bm took over complete control and he was never allowed to take ss to one appointment.  The one time bm did say he could, we called to make the appointment, and of course the counselor wasnt going to be in that day and bm had already scheduled an appointment earlier that week.

Should we cite bias toward bm in the letter?  Or will that give ammunition to bm?

[DecentDad]

I think if you follow Soc's advice on the tone/content (i.e., focused on the welfare of your son--- not making progress, on-going negative habits/consequences), it sets the stage for your next move.  

Bias is subjective.

But all objective measures of how your son is doing (e.g., grades) can't be disputed.

DD

[dipper]

It is going to be hard to be objective. SS told hubby that today, counselor had bm to sit in during session.  Not only did she do that without making this offer to hubby, she asked ss where he wanted to live.  When ss told her he wants to live with us, the counselor asked him why - there is more to do where he is at.........obviously biased in the bm's favor.  

The counselor has not had one 'update' meeting that included my hubby - dont know if she had one with bm or not.  But, to have the bm set in which invaded ss' privacy.........its beyond us..

Thank you for the advice!!!