Slapping, Spanking, etc.

[chiquito2005]

My son who is now 7 has become more and more unruly and impolite... I was devastated when his cousins told me that he was misbehaving when he slept over and got to the point of using the "F" word and telling to her aunt "you're stupid"... He screams almost at every turn when interacting with others and even me. All the other forms of punishement are losing impact and he is poking fun of time outs... His mother spanks him and uses other forms of corporal punishement. But so far I haven't done that but my family, relatives, are pressuring me that I need to watch for my child and some good spanking and slapping will make a difference... just like we grew up. I agree with them 100%. Among other things, it is clear that spanking will teach him good lesssons because he wouldn't misbehave to that extent when he is with his mother who disciplines him with spanking and the like. What I am very afraid of is accusations of children abuse if I dare to spank or slap. I am the father and I am the non-custodial parent.

In light of the above, what is your comment from a legal standpoint? what has been the position of the courts about spanking and slapping? Is it illegal to use corporal punishement when disciplining a child? The last thing I want is to find myself in family court or under supervised visitation because I spanked my child. Please don't lecture me about those long, unproven and "politically correct" theories on how spanking is child abuse, talk to the child, affection, yadi yada... I practice all of that to no avail. I just need to know the legal implications if I am sued on the ground of slapping my child. Thanks a lot for your help.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am not Soc.  I am not a lawyer ( I don't even play one on TV) but I would like to respond to your question.

I am a noncustodial mom.  In my expereince it is possible for an angry CP to use anything against the NCP.  At time these Cps turn nothing into something and take custody from us.

Several years ago my older Ds kicked my younger DS.  The younger one was only about 3 and the older one was about 12.  The little one was hurt and quite shaken up by his older brother kicking him.  I was furious with my older child.  He knew better than that.  I chastised him verbally and he lipped off to me.  In what was NOT one of my stellar moments of parenting I said, " How would you like it if I kicked you?".  I then proceeded to TOUCH him with my toe.  I left no mark.  He didn't even say, "Ouch!".  But dad took him to the counselor who he often used to gain documentation and CYS was investigating me within the week.  I was under threat of loosing visitation with both of my noncustodial kids.  The only thing that prevented it was that my son decided to be honest and admit he exaggerated the whole thing because he was angry and because he was jealous of his younger brother.

What I learned from this is two fold:

1.  We NCP must be above reproach with our kids.  We must ever be mindful as to how things "look".  It is very easy for a spiteful child or even a spiteful other parent to twist nearly anything around and make it appear what it is not.

2.  I began taking my children to a family counselor.  The purpose of this was to gain documentation that everything in my home was A OK.  WE only meet with the counselor about every three visits or so now.  In the past it was every visit. This has proven invaluable as the Cp has made many allegations against us and each time I have directed either CYS or the custody evaluator to the family counselor.  Each time I have been cleared.  The counselor in the incident I mentioned above has since refused to work with my ex or the children.  Eventually he realized how things were getting twisted and how the ex was manipulating the kids to "report" things in the manner he wanted them reported.  It took years for this guy to fianally see the light.

The family counselor has been very helpful in helping us to work out behavioral issues amoung the children.  Being an NCP is different from just being a parent.  I had to learn to be an NCP. I must add that I am a nurse and certified parent-child educator.  It is just that with your own family sometimes you really can't see the forest for the trees and some outside help is very beneficial on occassion.

Here in my state it is not illegal to spank you kids.  But I know that I cannot afford to do it.  It isn't about what is right, legal, or even moral.  It is about how an opponenet can use certian things in family court to deny you a place in your children's lives.

[socrateaser]

It's not unlawful to spank unless the spanking is abusive, but the threshold of when that happens is extremely gray. My advice is to not spank the child.

However, what you're describing could be the beginnings of Tourette Syndrome, ADD, ADHD, bipolar disorder, bordline personality disorder, etc., so I would strongly advise that you have the child evaluated by a psychiatrist to determine if there is some biochemical or mental disorder that is causing the socially unacceptable behaviors.