What would you advise?

[joni]

      

Dilemma involves my 7 y.o. SD. She's miserable with mom, wants to live with us. Visitation over Father's Day yielded bruises all over her back.   SD told DH after he asked her what was new, she blurted out she got bruises from climbing a rock wall. The next day I saw them, SD told me a friend pushed her against a wall. Gentle coaxing and it finally came out that BM regularly hits her.

Our story is typical. BM got sole custody after false allegations of DV and her taking the child away from DH under that guise and denying visitation for 18 mos. Divorce final, she won. Voila!!!! No further complaints against DH, total compliance with visitations.

That was 5 years ago. Since then, we negotiated a 'further' moveaway and got JC rights (routune decisions when child's in our care, parents must consult on major decisions) but not the title. Were able to get SD medical care at eye doctor and dentist she's never had. That was two years ago and we've provided that care. SD lives in NY, we're in IL, jurisdiction is MI. SD flies to us 2 weekends a month for visitation, rotate holidays, 6 weeks in summer.

BM fails at her custodial duties. Leaves SD constantly in care of drunk grandmother while BM runs around with her boyfriend/fiance of 3 months (2nd fiance in 9 mos), takes grad classes, works out, shops. SD is lonely and bored at mom's.

Now admittedly by child, she's abused. Child is TERRIFIED of mother's wrath. If I paint her nails her favorite neon green, child peels off the nails polish on Sunday before she goes home, fearful that her mother will get mad at the color. Stuff like that.

Initial conversations with atty says well...you have the right to make routine decisions while the child is in your care, is counseling a routine decision? I don't think so, my DH would be pissed if BM took her to counseling without his consultation.

Further, I'm afraid if we just do that, BM will say "see....DH is still controlling and abusive towards me" and this would blow up with us at a custody motion for not notifying her. Although, BM would never agree to it in the first place because she would be found out.  If counseling was in NY, BM would sabotage it.

So what's the strategy here? Do we just wait until the child is in our care and take her in for a psych eval to see if she exhibits signs of abuse or trauma?  In a perfect world, we would like physicial custody and for mom to get into parenting/anger management classes and for maternal grandmother to get into substance evaluation....not TOO big a wish list eh?

If you look at this child wrong, she bursts into tears.  She has no confidence, no self esteem.  There's no way the child would go to a teacher or social worker about the abuse at home.  She's too terrified of mom.  If DCFS showed up at the maternal grandparents home where mom and child live, it looks like the Cleavers live there.  Million dollar home, BMW's in the driveway, designer clothes on mom and grandma.  

Any thoughts or other ideas???

[socrateaser]

>Any thoughts or other ideas???

UM, yeah...I'm not known for my bedside manor, and I must assume that everything you post here is the absolute truth. In view of this, I suggest that you...

GET OFF YOUR ASS!!!!! You should have called law enforcement within seconds after the child admitted that her mother beats her, and frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for not doing so. By, now the bruises may have disappeared.

I suggest that you try to arrange to visit the child ASAP, but as if there were nothing wrong, and then tape record a conversation during which she admits to having been beaten. Don't make a big deal about the tape recorder -- you don't need to let the child know you're doing it. There isn't a judge or DA on planet Earth that will prosecute you for getting the necessary evidence this way.

Then, take your tape to the nearest law enforcement office and file a complaint. This child is being abused physically by her mother. Can you imagine how that must make her feel about herself. She may even be in danger of some permanent physical injury -- or worse!

Well, what are you waiting for? Go!