I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[bigsigh2004]

As you have probably read in my other responses, my wife isn't a troll or anything, just a mom who has been there done that and made me realize what I did and would do to my daughter because of it.

I won custody because I had the better attorney. I really didn't have to trash my ex. I had a house, a room for my daughter, a good neigborhood she lived with her mom in a condo when we sold the house, the home study is what won it for me really.  My ex's company downsized in the middle of our divorce, so for a while she was unemployed...things went downhill for her fast.

She is working now, has her own apartment, not that close but it's workable.

I'm not big on 50/50 where you send the kid back and forth like a tennis ball. I feel a child needs one primary decision maker, and home.

[Genie]

tell your ex wife that as your daughter gets older, you are discovering how much she really needs a Mom more than just every other weekend and maybe a night or so during the week.

Tell her you would like to work something out that she stay with you 1/2 the week and Mom 1/2 the week.  You can alternate weekends or do something like Sunday - Wed morning with Mom and Wed after school to Saturday Night with you.  Then your daughter gets BOTH parents that love her very much and it isn't overwhelming you. You pay what is needed in your house, Mom pays for what is needed in her house etc etc.......No child support is paid by either and you split school and medical stuff down middle.

Do you guys live close enough together that ex wife can get her to or from school easily?  If so this could work out great.  You would have free time then to do what you want with new wife.  That is if you even want to continue being married to her. Can't really tell if her is a marriage left or not. She seems to just want to go out and party.  

How does this sound to you? You aren't totally giving up your daughter this way.

[Kitty C.]

Time for a parental reality check, bud.  You were NOT put on this planet to be a 'friend' to your child, to honor her every wish and make sure she is ALWAYS happy.  Life just isn't like that.  I have watched my own son, over the years, deal with many disappointments, some at the hands of his own father.  But that's life and I CANNOT shield him from all of it.  And if he doesn't learn rejection and disappointment with ME, he's gonna get hammered when he steps out into the real world.

He doesn't like it, but often I've told him, 'I am NOT your friend, I am your PARENT.'  No, I don't know how to 'fix' my son's hurt feelings, I can't explain it away or make it go away.  He MUST learn how to deal with it himself, if he is ever to cope in the real world.

And maybe your wife was trying to 'teach you a lesson', but at what cost?  Your daughter? In that aspect, she used YOUR daughter as a weapon against you.  A truly dispicable act, regardless of the intention.

And obviously you haven't learn yet that happiness canNOT be bought.  A big house, pool, dog, SM, and friends wouldn't make me happy either, if the SM resented my presence and I had a father who seemed to only give of his money, but not of HIMSELF.

It doesn't take much, take her with you when you run errands and talk, even if it's of silly things.  Ask her to help you as you work around the house, so you can do something TOGETHER.  Give of YOURSELF, your HEART.  Tha's what she wants, not money thrown at her.

[bigsigh2004]

I write one or two lines of my situation and you think you know the whole thing? I was concentrating more on my CHILD than my wife.

Yes she should have divorced me on the spot. The compromise was that she was going to stay hands off. My ex doesn't like her just for how things went down (other woman scenario) and she was pissed that I also expected her to take on my ex's role in the mother department. She is a single mom herself and made it very clear that my DD already HAD a mom. I was trying to forget that.

My wife is not "taking out latent anger" or "rejecting" my daughter. She made me see what parenting really is like. She refuses to take over when I don't kow what I'm doing. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP MY DAUGHTER FROM CRYING! That isn't my wife's fault. It's MINE.

Now I need to fix it. My ex never wanted to lose custody of our child. It was a huge blow to her when she did, and for a while there, I reveled in it. I don't want to just DUMP my daughter back on her, I'm trying to find out the best way to approach it, how much time it should take, what things I need to consider so that for once I make everyone happy all at the same time.

So do you have any advice that may be useful in that area?

"the bottom line is your daughter" well no s*it sherlock. Why do you think I'm asking questions and subjecting myself to the grief I'm getting from people who would rather judge than advise.

Oh and it looks like peanutsdad is remarried so how exactly is he doing "alone"?

[Kitty C.]

Then tell me which is worse for a child:  transitioning ONCE A WEEK and having the security of knowing she has TWO places she can call 'home'.  Or going to one parent for a couple days, just to barely get settled, only to be forced to go back. Knowing that one parent is actually a parent, while the other is just a 'visitor'.  There's MUCH more security and stability in a 50/50 arrangement than an EOW one.  Ask any child who's had to go thru it and they will tell you, the MORE time they got to spend with each parent, as equal as possible, the better they thrived.

Think of it this way.  If you have a one week on, one week off arrangement, your child would only be transitioning FOUR times a month.  With EOW, it would a minimum of 8, and that's if you don't include days/nights during the week.  Now, THAT's being a tennis ball.

And what's wrong with making joint decisions with your ex in regards to your child?  Wouldn't you be doing that if you were still married?

[bigsigh2004]

My wife and I have a very strong marriage. She is a no BS woman who taught me some valuable lessons when it come to putting kids first.

I have a very demanding job, that sometimes requires travel. We had explored shared custody at the start of things, but my ex and I didn't give birth to a tennis ball. Neither of us want that, and again, it would just be making my wife pretty much the primary care giver in my house, and that isn't right according to my wife.

We don't live close enough for the school split thing either. Not that that is a factor at the moment. I suppose we could do the split for now, but would yet ANOTHER change in the schedule just confuse my daughter more when school comes around? Or sghould we just come up with a EOW holiday occasional weekday if I can do it thing now?

[bigsigh2004]

That isn't what is going on here. She isn't making me choose my child or her. I asked her to marry me giving her a very different picture of what life would be like....then I got divorce/custody "tunnel vision"

She was willing to co-parent with me on a part time basis, not change her entire life around to accomodate being a full time mom to a 4 year old when my DD already has a perfectly capable mother. I made the mistake of not consulting with my wife.

My ex wife wanted counseling. I had refused, My wife, MADE me go. My wife figured out I was just battling for custody just for the fight long before I figured it out. .

Now she is making me fix it. My ex and I have a long way to go before we can be amicable again, but I hope to, for the sake of my daughter.

[bigsigh2004]

"forced" to go back. Interesting way to put it when my daughter at the moment doesn't even want to BE here. She wants to be with her mommy.

I'd rather be a weekend dad to my daughter when I have the actual time to spend with her that is QUALITY. Instead of a crabass dad who doesn't want to color during the week a half hour before she goes to bed when I get home.

**the MORE time they got to spend with each parent, as equal as possible, the better they thrived.**

well that would be fine wonderful and dandy IF I WAS GOING TO BE HOME. My wife clearly points out she is NOT my daughter's parent. If my ex is going to be home, and I'm not, who is my daughter better off with?

there is nothing wrong with "joint" decisions, but someone has to have the final say, otherwise you just argue forever.

[bigsigh2004]

My wife does something once, I mention it and you condemn her for it...do you mind not being so frigging judgemental? I was trying to put a point of the fact that I just don't know what I'm doing. Quit harping on her. This is about ME, MY DAUGHTER and what is best for HER.

Maybe, just maybe Kitty, some parents are only cut out to be buddies with their kids. I'm beginning to think I am one of them.

When I was married to my ex, I never changed a diaper, I never put a band aid on a cut I never nursed the kid through a cold. I expected the mom to do that. Just as I expected my new wife to do the same.

Just as I and all my siblings grew up with. My dad, to this day, is still a great buddy of mine.

Now for the last damn time, my wife does not RESENT my daughter, She loves me and she loves her, on weekeds we do things together all of us as a family. I had no business expecting her to take on the full time mom role. You think I did???

[Kitty C.]

Then give her to your ex, plain and simple.  I even go the impression you'd do that ASAP, even this weekend if you could.  Only that your ex isn't prepared.  That's a good impression.

Sit down with your ex, set up an agreement and a parenting plan, give her time to get situated to have her on a full time basis, then have the agreement filed with your court file.  Or hand it over to her or your atty. and have them file it with the court, if you want a judge's signature to make it as legal as possible.

Seem's like a simple solution to me.

But before you do that, I would also recommend counseling for you and your daughter, both joint and separately with the same professional.  The poor child has been thru enough and, tho going to her mother full time may be what she wants and/or needs right now, it won't change the fact that she's been thru hell and this is just another 'transition' she's going to have to endure.  Because no matter how much she may seem to 'hate it' with you, handing off custody to your ex will still be viewed as rejection of her by you.  She's feeling rejected right now, not preparing her properly for this big a change will just solidify her fears.