I can't believe I'm admitting this but...

[lookinnomore]

Your honesty is overwhelming, and while you don't want to place blame on the 'new wife' and shouldn't, she is 50% of the problem.  It was not that far fetched for you to think that she would be there for you, for your daughter.  While you should have discussed this with her before you won custody.  How can she LOVE you and treat your child like that?  Will she continue to treat your child that way when she comes for weekend visits?  Doesn't sound like the kind of person you would want around your child.  Who is more important here the child or the 'new' wife?  

I don't mean to sound harse, I admire a father who will go after custody of his child, admire a man who will give 100% to raise his child.  Its hard to be mom and dad, honestly you don't have to.  Be dad, let mom be mom.  Bet if you were honest with mom she would be a great source of HELP to you and daughter.  Pride is a powerful thing, don't let it cost your daughter.

I hope you find peace for yourself, and your daughter.  This must be a terrible spot to find yourself in.  I hope things work out for you all!

[bigsigh2004]

she's been with me going on 7 months now, three months ago is when my wife made me take on "full parenting responsibiilty" (and she is one hell of a hard ass) so I know what my limitations are. If the waterworks were getting better and not worse, I'd probably stick it out but I AM my father's son. I hear him in me when I try (and the operative word here is TRY) to dicipline my DD. That won't change.

A transitonal period, somewhat like when a parent is absent and gets reintroduced you mean? That type of timeframe?

[Kitty C.]

I bet it was Dad's Divorce.....that place is MUCH more radical then this.  They say go for the throat.....and people here will encourage shared parenting and the parents trying to cooperate.

Believe me, your ex will have MUCH more respect for you if you come clean with her.  Take your time in commmunicating with her, do it initially with a letter or e-mail, if that's more comfortable with you.  You could break it with 'I've been having some thoughts on us making some changes in regards to our daughter..................if you'd be open to it, I'd like to discuss them with you.'

It's that first step that's always the hardest.  

And big sigh?  I want to apologize if I offended you in any way.  Now that I realize that the situation isn't what you initially portrayed it to be, I have a totally different opinion of it.  It's obvious that you love your daughter very much and you also realize that you are a product of your environment, we learn to parent from our parents.  You can't fix what you don't acknowledge and I think you're well on your way to righting some wrongs in your life.  I admire you for that.  

I still recommend counseling or a therapist, since you both have been thru so much.  Someone had mentioned your ex and wife too...and realize that we're not talking about everyone altogether at the same time!  We're talking about communications and feelings......I'm sure that your wife isn't totally unfeeling to what's been going on and counseling can help clear the air, so to speak.  Wiht your ex, it can help rebuild your communication with her and help her make the adjustment, along with your daughter.  With my son, it was imperative that I be there, and include DH as well, or we'd never had known how to deal with what he was going thru.  We needed to be educated, too.

Good luck with your daughter and let us know how everything turns out!

[bigsigh2004]

Edit or not, at one point you did call me a troll, doesn't change the fact that is was put out there. I could have called you worse than a twit.

I'll read books on the subject of parenting & communication, I will watch DOCUMENTARIES as it pertains to the subjects I'm dealing with. I will quickly disregard the advice to go see a COMEDY in regard to my parenting as I do feel it is assinine. I don't have to agree with every bit of advice I'm given. With that in mind, I never negated counseling as an option.

I wouldn't be "losing the best job I ever had" I'd be throwing away a company I built from the ground up that *GASP* if my daughter so chooses can take over when she becomes of age and will always have security. Why throw away certainty for uncertainty in the midst of such horrible economic times. THAT is what garnered you a twit. You have no business sense whatsoever.

[bigsigh2004]

Cathrine, I deal with here and now. I'm not even going to give your "outlandish" question any consideration because that is not the subject at hand at the moment and all you are trying to do is be argumentative.

Yes, parenting is a responsibility. And it is a responsibliity my ex wife WHO STILL IS LIVING AND BREATHING is better at than me on a day to day basis. I find no fault in admitting that.

I'm not terminating my parental rights for god's sake, stop acting like I am.

[katz]

Yes kind of. In my situation it had been years of absense, with a weaning in type period when the relationship was reintroduced. Your situation is not the same, since it appears that the mom does get visitation.

Say mom gets every other weekend right now, then for the next month (again assuming mom is willing) adjust it slowly by adding a day or 2 to the weekends. I am not totally sure since my sd was a little older when her mom wanted to start seeing her again. For a four year old, I say take it slow. 7 months to her is a long time to have been with you, I do think it best to wean in more time here or there, before an actual move. My sd adjusted fine, and I dont see her suffering from the transition of having no visitation for 3 years, to now what is a normal visitation schedule in divorce.

I also dont think your daughter will feel you are rejecting her, as I have read a few reply's the imply that. My sd does not remember those years that she went without her mom (from 2-5years old). It also appears that her mom and her have nurtured a good relationship, with every other weekend. At her age of 4, now would be a better time then when the child IS old enough to remember.

[DecentDad]

Given that you've made up your mind...

Kids are resilient.  Don't worry too much about the best way to do it.  She can be completely readjusted within a few weeks.  Part of her unhappiness is liking sensing your own struggles with caring for her.

If her mom is healthy, and if they have had a strong bond, everything will be fine.  If what you say is true, her mom isn't going to hesitate to take more time.

Don't broach the subject in front of your daughter, obviously.

I think you can call your ex and start the conversation with, "I've been feeling more and more that it'd be best for daughter if you and she spent more time together.  I'd really like to work with you to figure out a new schedule, if you're open to that.  Do you need some time to think about this?"

Her mom may ask probing questions, and it's up to you to be as open as you'd like.  The apologies and openness may come much later, BTW.

I'd suggest a schedule that gives you and your wife enough freedom to keep your marriage healthy.  I'm sure your wife would be fine if you had alternating weekends without your daughter.

I'd likewise suggest a schedule that gives you frequent contact with your daughter.  For example, what if you had dinner with her on every Tuesday and Thursday?  You could pick her up in late afternoon (e.g., 3pm or 4pm) and either do a sleepover or just dinner until 7:30pm or so.

Then with every other weekend from 5pm Friday to 9am Monday, you also have nice long periods.

Work out vacation periods too so that mom can have a nice chunk of time during the summer, as can you when you want to go to Disneyworld or Hawaii with your daughter.

You're really starting from scratch here, and you're in a position to determine how much time you want to give up.

Perhaps part of your repentence can be paying for these new orders to be drafted and filed.  Follow state guideline on child support-- that's only fair.

In all this, make a commitment to yourself that because you have consciousness about your challenges, you can improve on them with every passing year.

You and your ex-wife had a very adversarial divorce.  The two of you have a second chance to do it in a way that you're both discussing what's best for your daughter.  Not many divorced parents have that hindsight and awareness to do it right the second time.

DD

[bigsigh2004]

Probably was DD, but I also remember a guy named Brent, and I think he's here, who gave me some really cut the ex's throat advice. I was posting to several places.

You didn't offend me, it takes a bit to get a point across on a message board. I didn't spell things out correctly in the beginning as it was. No harm no foul. In the end you offered up some very considerate advice and for that I am appreciative.

I went to counseling with my ex (at my wife's insistance) and that was a disaster, maybe if it was brought up (and I think you advised it) as a family counselor, one who deals with kid's too it might work.

My wife has been "working with me" on my communication, and for the first time in my life I've been receptive to trying. Never did with my ex. My wife would be willing to go to counseling in regard to my ex, but my ex flat out refuses to communicate with her so there really is no point.

I'm half tempted to let my ex know that if it weren't for my wife, I'd never even be considering giving her back custody...just to see if it calms the waters between them a bit. Help her understand my wife didn't "steal" her family.

[bigsigh2004]

when I was married to my first wife, she worked part time, DD went to care a few hours a week just for the social interaction of it but she really was around mom all the time.

I'm not a proud man to admit this, but while my ex and I were divorcing, she was on anti-depressants and her dr changed what she was on and she had a bad reaction to it that put her in the hospital. My lawyer manipulated it to sound as if she had a useage problem with it and I got emergency custody which turned permanent. So my DD went from all the time with mom to virtually nothing. Then pretty much standard of which she never misses a minute. She is careful not to ask for more time, although I know she is dying for it. (I still talk to her brother, he works for me)  

I don't feel my daughter will think I'm rejecting her either. She will get love from both sides when she is with each of us, and I'll be more receptive to giving it.

[teakae]

Wow, lots of comments.

Everybody has their take on the situation and I think even the most "judgmental" opinions should be helpful because that could be how some of your friends and family may see it.  One thing though, that I feel is that not every situation needs a "sit down" or "counseling" or "heart to heart" with everybody involved. Sure eating crow with your ex may make her feel better and you might feel forgiven but that act of confessing itself doesn't do anything beyond that. I think "talk therapy" and bringing everything out in the open is over rated. Too many TV shows now a days show people "telling all" and I think people think that is the way real relationships are resolved. I think in the real world, things are more often resolved without talking. Lots of things are expressed by action with no words. Sometimes you have to accept that you will never get the opportunity to really say what you want to a person and that person is also probably not going to get round to telling you their heart and soul. You just have to accept things as they are and be happy with the actual actions. Always try to do the right thing and other people will eventually see what you are about.
Regardless of the fact it will be uncomfortable for you to give your little girl back and you want to save face and all, I felt from your post that you do know what is the right thing to do. I would say don't worry about explaining or apologizing just do it.  Your ex was married to you, and knows your communication skills.  I would stay silent rather than saying things that might make things worse like "here you can have the girl back, I can't take care of her" or "My new wife couldn't replace her mom like I had hoped". I think just an acknowledgement that you were hoping your little girl could spend more time with her mom is sufficient. So what if your ex  thinks "ha! now he is giving her back because he can't handle parenthood! serve him right!" The little girl is getting what she needs.  Same with talking to the little girl, kids are really forgiving and time heals all wounds. Love for her father and your love for her is not in question, just how you are going to express it. Better late than never.