Relationship Counseling

[roselm]

I am having a very hard time with this and I hope I can get another point of view.

I am a step mother to a 6 year old little girl. My husband and the BM were never married. Since the daughter was born each have married others.

The BM, I feel, has PAS. She does not want by husband in the daughters life AT ALL. So every couple of months we are in court again!

The latest demand is that she attend relationship counseling with him so they can be better parents.

The attorney advises against us fighting this. I do not want my husband in relationship counseling, which I have to pay for. My husband does not have a problem, the BM does.

Is there anything I can do?

If the judge demands this, is there a way I can fight it for ruining my relationship with my spouse?

[socrateaser]

>I am having a very hard time with this and I hope I can get
>another point of view.
>
>I am a step mother to a 6 year old little girl. My husband and
>the BM were never married. Since the daughter was born each
>have married others.
>
>The BM, I feel, has PAS. She does not want by husband in the
>daughters life AT ALL. So every couple of months we are in
>court again!
>
>The latest demand is that she attend relationship counseling
>with him so they can be better parents.
>
>The attorney advises against us fighting this. I do not want
>my husband in relationship counseling, which I have to pay
>for. My husband does not have a problem, the BM does.
>
>Is there anything I can do?

You voluntarily entered into a marital partnership with a man who has a legal duty to expend resources on his child. However, you do NOT have to help pay for it, because you can divorce your husband and thereby avoid having to use your resources. This may not be a choice you WISH to make, but it IS YOUR CHOICE to make.

>If the judge demands this, is there a way I can fight it for
>ruining my relationship with my spouse?

Well, you could request to be part of the counselling sessions. But, there's no legal recourse for a lawsuit, unless you happen to live in the State of NC, where alienation of affections is still a legal cause of action, as it is abolished in every other jurisdiction.

If you were not married, you could enter into a premarital agreement that would keep your assets and income separate from your husband's and thereby protect yourself from the various financial issues, however, once married, you cannot agree with your spouse to avoid legal duties imposed via marriage, without a court order, and that means getting a divorce, making a settlement agreement regarding your assets, entering into a premarital agreement, and then marrying again.

Even then, if you don't carefully keep your property separate from your husband's you can find yourself right back where you started.

Is there a chance that the mother's new husband would adopt the child, and that your husband would let the child go? If so, that would end the support obligation and remove the other family from your lives completely.

That's about all there is, legally speaking, that I can conjure up at the moment.

[mango]

I think it's the best thing you could do would be to participate in the couseling. Do everything you can to co-parent and get on good terms. Perhaps the couseling can keep you out of court.

If they can help reveal her issues, it can open up a new path of parenting for all figures involved, and it would be optomal for the child to have all parents getting along adn parenting her together without conflict.

It can't hurt.

[backwardsbike]

I have begged the judge in my case to order this type of counseling.  he refuses to do so.  The closest we came was right after the separation when we had a mediator who was an MFT.  As part of the mediation she did counsleing with both parents, the kids and at one point I asked the step mom to join in and we had a few session before she left the counseling in a huff.

DO not be afraid.  the trips to court are taking much more away from your marriage than $$$$.  It takes tremedous enregy to prepare for court appearance adn if your husband doesn't have to do that he will have more enegy for your family and for you.

Custody battles are very difficult, emotionally.  Perhaps the two of you could seek some support for your relationship to help you cope with having to deal with this very heavy burden.  

This needn't be with a marriage counselor.  Perhaps your church has a minister who could talk with the two of you.  Or maybe your community has a divorce support group.  

Anything that will allow the two of yout o safely vent your feelings will help.  The two of you need to know how each one feels about all this.  Share with your husband your feelings about him being in couseling with the mother of his child.  Beopen and honest about how you feel about being made to pay for this counseling which is designed to make them get along better.

Good luck to you.  I know how it feel to be feeling like all sorts of things are thrust upon you and you have to comply without even being asked if it's OK with you.

[gipsy]

Sometimes you have to try to think of the better picture , Or the better of two evils " You are in this " You married into it !
  I went to the couseling and was  as decent as I can be < And the counselor didn't even let any thing go towards An argument etc , If your husband goes And acts like an adult there will be a good report for him ,
   Secondly you said " My husband doesn't have a problem with this " Maybe you should let him go to a couple sessions , My deal was " Both of us paid for half the costs . And you won't be stuck with the whole bill "And your husband should ask that she pay all of it !  
   The best thing that could happen is your husband act's like a gentlman and gets a good outcome and report from counseling . And it becomes clear who's trying to cause trouble !
    I remarried and My  wife tried to interject into my situation and my choice was listen to her or do what I think is right for my son >
   I divorced her too , I have principles And nothing will ever Stand in between me and what I know is right ! Maybe your husband is not as clear on that as  I am ,