modification warranted?

[krazyfamily_6]

Hello!

I am a step mother of a 9 year old boy.  My husband and his ex have joint physical/legal custody of this child with the BM having residential school placement.  We live in different cities about 21 miles apart.  Although the court order says my husband is to have him the last three weekends of the month and all school breaks,  we have his son about 4-5 days a week and transport him to and from school.

When step son is with BM she has no childcare for him and he is sometimes home alone until 10pm.  We have tried to pick him up as much as we can so that he will not be left home alone.  He has gotten into some minor trouble here and there because of his lack of supervision, but nothing really bad YET.   BM refuses to spend any time with her son stating that she needs time to herself.  

Step son has stated that he wishes his mom would spend some time with him and that he wouldn't mind living with us full time.  This would mean a change in schools but not much about the living arrangements would change since he is here 90% time anyway.   He is obviously torn between a home that has no rules and boundries and a home where he knows rules will be enforced.  BM told us that she would never let him live with us because she might lose her school grants and medical card.  

BM also recieves regular weekly child support from my husband even though step son is with us most of time and we provide all clothes, food, transportation and such.   It is becoming difficult to pay for him to live at both houses.  

Questions:

1. How old do children have to be to have their opinion count in front of the judge.  

2. Would it be difficult to modify the custody agreement?

3. Can we get a modification in the amount of child support paid?

4.  How young is too young to be left alone?  We think that he is too young at 9 to have so much freedom and responsibility.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post.  Could post so many more things that would influence the modification but I wanted to stick with the recent concerns.  Thank you again.

[socrateaser]

>Questions:
>
>1. How old do children have to be to have their opinion count
>in front of the judge.  

The child's maturity and ability to communicate in an informed manner is what matters, not a particular age. Exception: in GA, a 13 y o child can state a desire to change residences and the court must order it, according to GA statutes. In other jurisdictions, it's entirely up to the court.

>
>2. Would it be difficult to modify the custody agreement?

I see no real facts to support a substantial change in circumstances affecting the child's best interests, so unless the child is absolutely determined to move, I think you're probably wasting your time.

>
>3. Can we get a modification in the amount of child support
>paid?

Child support is pure numbers, based on a parent's ability to pay vs. the number of days that the parent has the overnight. The courts have very little discretion, they just punch in numbers and out comes the support amount.
>
>4.  How young is too young to be left alone?  We think that he
>is too young at 9 to have so much freedom and responsibility.

If you're concerned about this, then I suggest that you tell the other parent of your concerns, and if there is no change, then find out when the child is alone and report it to Child Protective Services. If you're lucky, they will come out and investigate and if they find a nine year old child alone, they'll probably place the child in custody and there will be a juvenile court hearing as to what should be done. You could even get a criminal charge if the investigator thought the child was really in a dangerous situation.

On the other hand, the court could solve the problem by ordering daycare, and ordering YOU to pay for half of it. So, be careful about this sort of thing, because it could bite you right in the wallet.

[krazyfamily_6]

Soc,

We have discussed our concerns with BM.  She has been leaving him alone since he was about six years old. She says there is nothing wrong with it and that is how she was raised.  

She is very angry this time when my step son told us that she left him alone at her parents house for four hours so she could play Bingo.  We live ten minutes away from there.  She told my stepson that it was none of his dad's business what he does when he is with her.  My step son told her that he didn't want to lie to his dad anymore.

So we got a phone call from her yesterday telling my husband that we were no longer allowed to pick him up on the days that she has to work.  That it was none of our business where he was and who he was with.  She wants to stop all week day visits and only let us have him for the times that were alloted in the court papers.  My step son is very upset by this because he doesn't like it when he is home alone for hours at a time.  

questions:

1.  If we can't get the school placement reversed, then would we at least have a chance at having more time with him during the week now that we live closer?

2.  The judge won't care that he is being left home alone and would rather keep him with BM than somewhere that he is supervised and made to do his homework?

3.  Why should BM still get $400 a month for a child that she doen't provide for?  


Thank you for your response.  We don't know much about how this system works.  

[socrateaser]

>questions:
>
>1.  If we can't get the school placement reversed, then would
>we at least have a chance at having more time with him during
>the week now that we live closer?

You're wasting your time. My guess is that the mother doesn't want YOU involved. She views YOU, the stepparent, not the father, as a threat to her control of the child (and ultimately, as a threat to her continuing to punish the father, which is what she's doing).

You can ask the court for a first right of refusal so you can care for the child in the mother's absence, but as a practical matter, unless the mother is cooperative, she will never notify you of when the child is alone, and this will not solve the problem.

Regrettably, if you cannot obtain the mother's cooperation in a nonadversarial manner, then the best thing to do is to FIND OUT WHEN THE CHILD IS ALONE AND CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES TO INVESTIGATE. That will give you evidence from a disinterested public agency as to what's going on, and that evidence will then permit you to move the court for a modification of parenting that will force the mother to cooperate at the risk of losing primary custody.

This is how the system works. You nee TON-O-EVIDENCE to get a court to make substantial custody mod, and nothing short of a really bad act by the custodial parent will get the court to change the orders.

>
>2.  The judge won't care that he is being left home alone and
>would rather keep him with BM than somewhere that he is
>supervised and made to do his homework?

At the moment, you cannot PROVE in a courtroom that what you say is anything more than your word against the mother's. You need INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIABLE EVIDENCE FROM A DISINTERESTED PARTY, or you're gonna get NOWHERE in court.

>3.  Why should BM still get $400 a month for a child that she
>doen't provide for?  

The word "should" should be stricken from the English language. There is no "should" -- there is only what actually happens in the real world. "Should" is just a wish for a better tomorrow. If you want the future to be better, then stop thinking about what "should" be, and start doing something to make it actually happen.

The law is what it is. Don't try to impose your personal idea of what justice "should" be, because it will just keep you frustrated. Deal with the reality, that unless you get CREDIBLE PROOF that the child is being routinely left alone, you have NO CASE!

So, either hire a private eye to log the mom's activities or call CPS when the kid's home alone. Otherwise, you are spinnin' your wheels and you will never get any traction. But, you'll be pissed because things will not be happening the way you think they "should" be -- which is a huge waste of energy.

Stand in front of the mirror and repeat the following 1,000 times until it sinks in real good: "There is no should. The law is what it is. I will do what the law requires, and not try to impose my sense of justice on the court."

If you do what I say, you can win. If you don't, you will lose.

[krazyfamily_6]

Thank you for your time.  

[socrateaser]

Sorry if I seemed harsh. I need to up the thorazine dose.