new start?

[antonin]

State is Michigan. All parties reside in Michigan.

For many years, my son, (30 years old) from another marriage would regularly visit my daughter (10 years old now) at Christmas and the summer and we often took trips together. He did this from the time daughter was born. The last time he visited was in July of 2002. In approximately early January of 2003, my ex-wife informed me that a counselor from a women's shelter had made a call to CPS concerning an alleged incident between my son and daughter.

I have tried to recreate the event that started this situation and have received bits and pieces from my daughter. EX enrolled herself and daughter immediately in the same women's shelter referred to above after EX filed for divorce in Sept. 2001. Two therapists from the shelter wrote FOC evaluator who investigated our custody case stating that daughter and her mother "exhibited most of the signs and symptoms of persons exiting abusive relationships."

The FOC evaluator recommended 50/50 custody and I have been doing that since Oct 03. I moved 65 miles and commute. I bought a home in my daughter's school district.

Daughter did not attend individual therapy at the woman's shelter on a regular basis, but was part of a group. This went on for 2 years. Apparently there was an exercise (Jan 2003) wherein the children were first asked to draw pictures of anyone who hurt them, identify that person, and then put some kind of sticker on that person.

The way the exercise was conducted that every child was required to name someone that hurt them and the next child was not called upon until the previous child had named someone. My daughter named my son. Later, in talking with my daughter about the incident, she stated that my son did not hurt her and they were just playing and does not seem at all disturbed by the incident.

I never saw the report. My ex claimed that Jennifer stated that son had "tied her up." The women's shelter called CPS. CPS called the cops. The cops came to my house in Feb. 2003. They did not investigate because my son did not live in Michigan, but in Arizona. My son was advised by an attorney not to talk to daughter or myself back in Jan 2003. My son is a junior high school teacher in AZ.

After seeking advice from you and others on the SPARC boards, I decided to have daughter and son not communicate. This was 3 years ago. My daughter is 10 years old now. I always assumed that the EX was motivating this stuff and vindictive against my son.

Well, I spoke to EX last PM. I told her about the situation (Son and daughter not communicating or visiting) and Ex said she was surprised to hear that and thought they talked on a regular basis and she also wondered why they did not see each other.

Well this was big news to me! I explained the effect the woman's shelter incident had had on my son and me and my reson's for not having son and daughter communicate. So, I was wondering if it would be a good idea to have EX sign a notarized statement to the effect that she is aware that son and daughter are communicating and intend to visit and that she has no problem with it.

EX stated she would be willing to do this. I do not want to get attorney involved, etc. just because I do not want anything that would make EX think I was up to something nefarious. The other issue linked to the above situation was that of child support and alimony. My decree provided for 860.00 a month rehabilitative alimony for 3 years. The decree also provided that I pay ex full child support, whether or not I have 50/50 for a 3-year period.

The 3-year period is over and the alimony is ended. I have decided
not to file for a modification of support. I can afford to pay the full support and EX needs it. My original fear was that trying to facilitate communication between son and daughter would give Ex a reason to file for full custody to get more support if I attempted to modify support to reflect current 50/50 custody situation.

I have eliminated that motivation. She has no financial incentive to file for full custody, since it would cost her MUCH more to take care of daughter for an entire month that it does now if she had to pay for everything.

50/50 has been very smooth with no incidents.  Daughter's grades have gone from C's to A's in the past 2 years with my involvement in her school work. I have kept meticulous detailed records, documentation and receipts on Optimal's parenting Time Tracker since Sept. 03.

1) Based on the above facts, what is the best course of action to faciltate communication and visitation between son and daughter, without involving the court and attornies?

2) If you think the notarized document is a good idea, how should I word notarized document?


Thanks.
Thanks.

[socrateaser]

>1) Based on the above facts, what is the best course of action
>to faciltate communication and visitation between son and
>daughter, without involving the court and attornies?

My advice is that "if it ain't broken, don't fix it." The notarized document tastes great but is less filling, because you could do all of this and your son could visit, and then your ex could claim abuse, and you'd be right back where you started, and the notarized statement would be worthless.

It could even be a trap. Not saying that it is, only that it could be. I think you should leave it alone until your daughter is an adult and then she can decide for herself.

Wish it were otherwise, but the risks are too great, in my opinion.

[antonin]

Okay. I will take your advice on the in-person contact. I don't quite see what the (logical) motivation on part of EX would be to do something negative. She would only be shooting herself in the foot. Of course there is the illogical motivation that is possible (histronic impulsivity based on spontanoues revenge, etc.).

The other factor is, daughter is older now and would not (nor never has) made an allegation against son. She is also very confused and depressed that she cannot talk to or see him and it really is affecting her outlook. Sometimes he will call and I have to tell him to call back, and she knows it's him, etc. Also, she's taken all her old photos of him and pasted them up in her locker at school, etc. etc.

Additionally, Ex's parents are moving to AZ. My son lives in AZ. EX and her parents have already discussed that they would like daughter to visit grandparents in AZ when she goes with me to see son in AZ. Everyone's broke except me. Grandparents can't fly here. They can't pay for daughter to fly to see them and neither can mother. the only way daughter would ever see Grandparents (and she's very close...sees them 3-4 times a week) is through vists with me to see son.


Problem is, I'm 56 and won't live forever. So i doubt I will get much of a chance to be with both my kids.

1) Do you see anything dangerous in allowing telephone contact and using the notarized statement by ex solely to allow telephone contact?

2) Do you see anything dangerous in having my son come to MI from AZ only to visit me and not daughter?

3) Can any harm come to him as a result of visiting me?

4) What if son is visiting me and we bump into daughter with her mother at supermarket, etc?

[socrateaser]

>>1) Do you see anything dangerous in allowing telephone contact
>and using the notarized statement by ex solely to allow
>telephone contact?

Not really a problem, in my opinion.

>
>2) Do you see anything dangerous in having my son come to MI
>from AZ only to visit me and not daughter?

If there's no restraining order, then your son can go where he wishes. I can't assess the danger any more than I already have.

>
>3) Can any harm come to him as a result of visiting me?

Same as #2.

>
>4) What if son is visiting me and we bump into daughter with
>her mother at supermarket, etc?

That is the equivalent of supervised visitation and in a public place. If the son and daughter are never alone and in public, the chance of a problem is substantially reduced. The problem occurs because someone could allege that the son arranged to get into a private situation after the public contact, so the answer is simply, if the daughter isn't making stuff up, and there's no actual abuse problem, then there would never be an abuse allegation.

But, if either of the above are true, then by putting the son and daughter in proximity, son risks a possible criminal charge.

The only really safe path is for son to stay far far away. The closer he gets, the greater the risk. You and your son will have to draw the line where you think it safe.