Problem for Us

[Lyrael924]

Dear Soc,

Ours is the case of a 9-year-old boy living in PA with custodial mom, me (NCP) living in Illinois. We just received our certified copy of the court order granting us parenting time. The first court-ordered parenting time is in April over son's spring break, and also phone contact twice a week with unlimited contact by mail.

I assume mom got her copy of the order today, because I received a voicemail message while on another call. It was Son, and he said "Hi, this is Son. This message is for Dustin. Dustin, I don't want you to be mad, but I don't want to be with you." Then he hung up.

1)What is the best way to proceed?
2)Do I call and talk to son?
3)Do I call and talk to mom?

I don't want to legally screw up, but I do want to be the dad I am legally allowed to be to him.

Thanks for any advice you can give, Soc.

[socrateaser]

>1)What is the best way to proceed?

I hope you saved the voicemail, because without it, you're not gonna proceed anywhere. If you saved it, then I would write the mom and express your dismay/sadness that your son wants no part of you, and ask if she can suggest anything that might help improve the situation.

If the mom is actually interested in the child's welfare then you may get some good feedback. If not, then you may get a long "whine" containing sufficient evidence to go back and ask for a new custody evaluation, because the combination of the letter and the voicemail may show that the child is being heavily manipulated to hate you, and that would be grounds for another bite at the custody apple. It woud at lest get you an order for counseling with the child.

As for the child, I would write him a letter telling him that you love him and that you hope he will change his mind about not wanting to spend time with you. And, then I'd leave that, because the kid is obviously hurting and doesn't know what he feels at the moment, so if you put any pressure on him, he'll just draw away farther.

This is my layperson opinion...I have no special knowledge of child psychology, so don't take my opinion to the bank. See a professional mental health expert.

[Lyrael924]

Soc -
Thanks again for your advice. I just wanted to let you know that mom called last night to say that son would call me this evening, ostensibly to tell me again he didn't want to visit. I let her know that I would be happy to talk to him.

He called tonight, and we talked for a really long time. We talked about all kinds of things, and he asked me if he could come visit for "just a few days." We honestly didn't stay on that subject for very long, but talked about all kinds of things. He wants me to call him again tomorrow night before he goes to bed. I am so happy to have this contact with him, and I wanted to thank you again for your part in it. I know we aren't necessarily out of the woods yet, but I feel like I have to be grateful for and celebrate the small things.

THANKS!!!!