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Messages - dsm

Pages: 1 23 4 ... 18
11
Parenting Issues / Couple of things
« on: Aug 17, 2005, 01:17:50 PM »
#1.  Your son should not be calling your DH 'dad'.  He has a dad, as much as you and he don't get along, he's still your son's dad.  Your DH is not and should not be expecting to be called dad.   My SD has never called me mom and I've been involved in her life since she was a toddler - and been more of a mother to her than her own, but still I don't expect to be called mom.  She calls me dsm.   Her mom holds a special place in her heart - and that is how it should be.  Don't expect your son to divide his loyalty or love.

#2.  Your son is old enough to understand that he should not be mistreating anyone.  And I think that you need to instill in him that it is never right for anyone to hit anyone without due cause.  If he seems to be having trouble grasping this concept, and is under stress with it, look into a child counselor who will help him to realize that there is appropriate behavior.   Your son is also old enough to be in a discussion with you about family - explain that family doesn't have to be by blood - that he can love all people involved in his life - neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, step-family members the same as he loves you or your ex.  And when he says that his dad says that no one in the step-family is his family, you say that his dad is entitled to his opinion but that you believe differently and that he should consider the people in his life family.

#3.  Don't involve your son in the matters of child support and what his dad owes.  Take that up with your local child support enforcement office and let them handle it with your ex.  

#4.  Reinforce to your son that there is no one that will come and hurt him.  

How often does your son see his dad?   You mentioned that until your son was 4 his dad was not involved in his life.   What you can do is send your ex a letter asking for him to stop discussing child support with your son; ask him to bring questions to your attention versus expecting a 5 yearold to answer how things run in your house; that you are bringing up your son to take value in important people in his life and that while your younger sons are not 100% blood relative they are in fact brothers and you are bringing him up to be a caring young man.   Don't expect that your letter will do anything to change things, but at least you will have it documented that you tried.  


==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

12
General Issues / If I could do it all again....
« on: Jul 07, 2008, 10:41:08 AM »
You will receive advice from all ends of the spectrum on this topic.  In the end, you have to decide what feels right to you.  And only you know whether it makes sense or not.

I would advise you to tread very carefully when you are encouraging  your DH to be involved with his daughter.  It sounds to me like he is not fully on board with it - even with having some legitimate qualms.

Some questions:

When was the divorce final?  What was his relationship with his daughter before the divorce?  Why is there a situation and order that limits his time with his daughter now?

Supporting our DH's when this is all said and done comes in a variety of forms.  You can be supportive of him loving his daughter and wanting to be involved - but only as much as he is willing to do for himself.  I know from first hand experience that it is so tempting and so rewarding at the time to jump in and 'fix' the situation.  However, I have learned that my 'fixing' in all reality has done nothing but make things worse - make my DH feel 'obligated' to do things he really was not prepared to do; make him feel like less of a man because I handled things.  Not my intentions, but that is what ultimately happened.  I ended up knowing his case better than he did - and that was not my place to be - I was not there when my SD was conceived and I was not there when she was brought into this world.  My DH has been taking care of her since day one with little to no help from her mother.  I was stepping in to help him and take on the mother-figure role in her life.  Finally at age 12 we got custody of her.  Everything should have been fairy-tale then, right?  Wrong.  Far, far from it.  No that we didn't have successes and good times - definitely they were there.  But, in the end spirits have been broken, feelings hurt, and hearts broken.  My kids have been overlooked - again, not intentionally; it's just how the cookie crumbled - but I'm working on that now with them.

My advice to you is to let your DH take the lead.  Don't go off with guns blazing on a relationship-saving-crusade.  Just keep being supportive to him - offer for him to come here and interact with other fathers who are going through what he is going through.  Maybe his opinion will change and he'll find a vision.  Then you can help him take action and make things available to him - it will cost mucho dinero to fight a cross-country custody battle.  Even if all you are looking to do is enforce time with the child.  Some will say it is worth it at any cost.  I say, you and your DH need to make that decision - and if you are willing to forego things and a family of your own to pursue, then go for it.  If you are not, then make things as good as they can be and be as involved as you can be.  Either way does not mean that your DH loves his daughter any less.

Good luck and please keep coming back!




==============================================================================

dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

13
General Issues / I would agree with you
« on: Aug 16, 2007, 08:30:08 AM »
In our case, it honestly wouldn't have mattered if there was an attorney for my SD when she was 6 or 7....or even when she was 11/12 when we finally did get custody.   She would always recant what the allegations were in order to save herself from her mom's reaction and consequences.   It didn't even matter that CPS records showed physical proof; that there were countless reports from neighbors.

If one parent treats the child(ren) like a pawn, and truly believes that they are the better parent.....no amount of lawyers will help to change that.  The kids are the ones who get stuck in the middle.

And, like Mixed's son now with her, it is amazing how much stuff is put in their minds and what they deal with.  My SD's memories are now fading from what her life was like with her mom, but those first 2 years.....there were some things that came out that completely shocked us.

I agree, too, that the laws need to be changed so that it is automatic shared placement first, instead of primary/secondary.  Barring some serious issues of course.

==============================================================================

dsm - 36; DH - 40; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 4
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh
------------------

14
General Issues / RE: Doctor Issues
« on: Jul 19, 2007, 08:49:36 AM »

>
>So a parent who has legal custody can't tell a doctor's office
>anything and expect it to be respected, if the other parent
>takes the child in behind their back?  

Nope.  The same legal custody that allows your DH to request that the vaccine not be given to their daughter is the same that allows the BM to request that it is given.  It is a rock and a hard place.  The clinic is not going to take sides.

I would assume that you could file a petition to make a court order the vaccine to not be given.  However, the chances of it getting heard before BM makes her move is probably slim to none.  You'd do better to just make it abundantly clear to BM your DH's wishes.  And empower your SD to voice her wishes as well.  When her mom says that she wants her to get the shot, your SD pipes up that she is not comfortable with it and does not want it at this stage of her life.  If her doctor is worth anything, he/she will take some time with SD on her own without her mother being there.  Maybe then, there is a chance that she would not have to go through with it.

Good luck!



==============================================================================

dsm - 36; DH - 40; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 4
------------------
3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh
------------------

15

==============================================================================

dsm - 35; DH - 39; SD - 16; LO - 10; BB - 2
------------------
3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh

16
General Issues / I would stay very far away from this one
« on: Dec 13, 2005, 09:22:16 AM »
Leave the taxes be for right now.  It would be a better fight and give you something to stand on to request a modification to your order to give your bf an order stating that he claims his son for tax purposes.

It doesn't matter that she has been on welfare.  If she worked at all, she will still be able to claim taxes and unless she is on another planet, she would claim the child - especially with him living with her.

It's not worth having the IRS come in and audit and question every line....get the order changed and then go forward from there.

JMHO of course and not legal advice.....

==============================================================================

dsm - 35
DH - 38
SD - 16
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
------------------
Live, Love, and Laugh

17
General Issues / My LO was like that too
« on: Aug 22, 2005, 12:02:32 PM »
But as she's gotten older (and even by the age of 4 or 5) and developing her own sense of herself, she'll go through periods of missing my SD when she's not here, but it's not the crying like when she was a toddler.  With our baby boy, he hasn't really gone into the crying fits - but then we now have custody of SD, so it's not the same as when LO was a toddler.

Just keep encouraging your DD that her sister will be back to see her and try to get her attention on other things.  Do special stuff with just her when SD isn't there so she starts to look forward to the special you/her time.  It's a fine balance, and I agree....the struggle is one of the biggest concerns I had for not wanting to have more babies after LO (BB was a surprise and took me a long time to come to terms with) - simply to keep from having another child go through the stress that we live.
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

18
General Issues / You could also put a request in your letter
« on: Aug 22, 2005, 10:39:52 AM »
for the clinic to let you know what else they need in order to provide you access to the records.   Play nice with them.

For your school records stuff......have you tried to call the school directly and ask about the status of your letter and request for information?  They should be able to tell you if the child is now enrolled.

Good luck!
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

19
General Issues / Sounds like a win!
« on: Aug 22, 2005, 10:37:23 AM »
Good job for your DH!  You've got in face-to-face contact with the teacher and a one-up for showing involvement.

Lesson learned for you with your little one - never promise that she will get to see her sister if it is not your time with her - because you will find yourself having a disappointed little one just about every time.   Instead you should say that you're going to see her sister's school and if she asks where her sister is, then you say she is with her mom.   Your little one will learn quickly too.
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

20
General Issues / Good advice
« on: Aug 15, 2005, 08:39:15 AM »
To hold off on the strong-words of the FERPA letter.   Also be prepared for not everything to be copied and sent to you.  It is not always possible to send every piece of paper.  And you will see that you probably do not need every piece - notice of needing red socks for Friday, last minute stuff - that's pretty difficult to keep track that there is someone outside of the classroom that needs to be copied.  But absolutely newsletters, report cards, progress reports, test scores, program/field trip itineraries/schedules, PTO activities, school dances, etc.  That can and should be mailed to you.

Good luck!   Get that relationship built with the teacher and school and stay on a positive note with them!
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

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