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Author Topic: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice  (Read 12955 times)

mudbunnies

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dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« on: Nov 25, 2003, 10:58:28 AM »
We just received the following letter from the bio-mom's attorney;

Regarding you contacting Dr. XX for information on the XX (prescription) that is prescribed for son, this is medication for his allergies and is given as needed. All information from Dr. Foley will be given by the primary custodial parent, XX.

Son will not be available for telephone contact on Thanksgiving day and make-up telephone contact will be Wednesday, December 3, 2003, at the usual time. Your next weekend visitation will be xxx at the usual place and time.

Christmas visitation will begin on Friday, December 19, 2003 at 7:00 p.m. at xxx with a return of the child on December 26 at 2:00 p.m. If you can not personally return Wesley on Friday, then the return will be on Christmas Day at the usual time. There will be no extended xmas visitation. Mom will have contact on xx, xx and xx during your visitation.

As the custodial parent of son, Mom is concerned for his safety and well being while visiting your home. There have been several times that son has been returned home with extensive bites and bruises on his body. This has been documented and Mom requests that you supervise son more closely. It has been reported to Mom that you have not been present for most of the last two visitations. Visitation is for the non-custodial parent, not any other member of your family.



OMG...

who the F*** does this guy think he is?

i'm angry right now, yes, its obvious, bio mom and her attorney just think they can dictate anything they want...

as for the history of why we got this letter;

dad called bio-mom last nite, she refused to answer, dad left message asking what a good time to call on turkey day was because 6:30 - 7:00 is the calling time and dad was offering to call at different time so as not to interrupt their thanksgiving dinner...

xmas break is supposed to start per court order; the day child gets out of school.... not on friday two days later at night... yes we know its only two days but damn when all you get is EOW you take every 5 minutes they give....

bio mom has NO ZERO court ordered telephone times.....

and this "documented" bruises and bug bites... OMG bio mom thinks tv is the world's greatest babysitter and the kid never leaves the house, yes we do things, yard work, hiking, camping, riding bikes, fly kites, build things, we dont hide it, we encourage it,

and visitation is not for family members.... visitation is for the children..

DAD has been present every single second of every visitation except one afternoon he had to go to work at SPRING BREAK back in march/april area...lying b*****

god, what do we do now, write a letter? yeah what will that do

file for emergency help? yeah the attorney will refuse to coordinate and the what will the judge think

this poor kid... his bio mom thinks he's just a pawn used to piss off dad

sorry for the vent
i just dont know what to do, every holiday, every visit more than two days the bio-mom does this crap.... everything for her, nothing for the child, nothing for dad.... we already have 6 pending motions for contempt for stuff just like this... she doesn't care....


tryn2begooddad

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #1 on: Nov 25, 2003, 11:16:06 AM »
mud,

dont know how impartial I will be (being a NCP dad) but with regards first to the picking up for Xmas...if the court order says the day school ends then I would, if you have one, contact my attorney and have a contempt motion ready to be filed. and dont apologize for th event everyone needs to get some steam off every now and then.  Why is the attorney sending a letter to you and not your representation (forgive the stupid question)...and yes it sucks that some parents view the kids as pawns to get back at the former SO..as far as bio-moms contact during Xmas vacation is there anything in the agreement that states when she gets contact..how would she and her lawyer feel if they were to receive a letter stating that she has x, y , and z times available only for contact. Yes I know that that would mean resorting to playing her silly little game with the little one but it seems as if that is what she might be trying to get you to do...bumps and bruises are a good thing when gotten by being outside and being a kid so she and her lawyer need to grow up and realize that kids get bumps and bruises from playing it happens..sounds like mom needs to figure out this isnt about her and whatever petty crap she may harbor but it is about doing what is best for the little one..

mudbunnies

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #2 on: Nov 25, 2003, 11:33:09 AM »
>Why is the attorney sending a letter to you and not your representation

dad is pro se


>agreement that states when she gets contact..how would she and
>her lawyer feel if they were to receive a letter stating that
>she has x, y , and z times available only for contact. Yes I
>know that that would mean resorting to playing her silly
>little game with the little one but it seems as if that is


dad sent her entire family a letter about a 10 months ago that said they could call our house ANYTIME son was with us, however, most efficient time to call to reach us during the week was xxxx and on weekends, anytime and to please not call later than xxx on weekdays due to sleeping children.

we have NEVER restricted their access, in fact numerous family members from mom's side call our house during the summer, however, dad is the ONLY person EVERY allowed to call their house no matter what.

dad hasn't even seen this fax yet, he's still at work... god what a horrible way for him to start his holiday...

we just want equal access / equal rights / and peace

gipsy

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been there done that !
« Reply #3 on: Nov 25, 2003, 12:28:40 PM »
First I will vent a bit !
  I have been going through this for several years And there has been some responses that have recognised My great frustration with this kind of crap,
   Here's My response , Some atty's engage in trying to stir things up , There is no doubt that this is more easily recogniseable than You may think, The letter from the atty Is [I believe] Meant to make you very angry and react ,
    Don't react with anger , I have, and it has hurt My case as far as  the GAL report , If I could go Back and get this through My head , If My atty would have took me to a sweat box and put thumb screws on Me and forced Me to listen Iwould Be better off ,[Please listen ]
   This is My advice and My atty's advice, And I am finally getting it ! Respond with a very nice letter that is a document from a civil Mind and personality , Let Your civil responses to this crap Be a longstanding history of interaction , Let Me give the example that will Make you see what I realised ,
    Mom Sends a similar nasty letter About school and that I am NOT to just go to school to [HANG OUT ]  with My son etc , The irony is he is in pre school and is 4 YO , And the school aggreed that I could come and do a small project etc with son ,
   Next line of crap :My visits start while He is in Pre-school, So Hence Another  Nasty letter about My visits interfering with toddlers pre school etc
   My civil response , I would be glad to pick up from school at 3 PM so Mom doesn't have to go get son , And then drop Him off to me at 4:30 PM , And I could travel before rush hour , Making it so Mom doesn;'t have to spend her time from 3PM to 4:30
     Mom Had another Nasty response !! This all went to the GAL ,
  So ask Your self what Is the best way to Make the Mother continue to write nasty letters , And allow you to write civil letters , This makes who's doing what Very obvious ,
    My atty said keep doing it ," keep going to the school keep interacting It pisses her off and she does all this nasty letter writeng" ,
   SO I am saying My expierience is : Let her put a bunch of documents into writeing , And You put a bunch of very nice documents into writeing ,
   As a note My response to Your letter would be .
    Dear Mr atty Please check the court order specifically [Where it shows the pick up times ] And please Be advised , [ quote from My atty to this kind of crap] My client intends to exorcise every right and all court ordered visitation , And use every legal means available to him to ensure that this is carried out , Please inform your client that the court order say's , X,Y,Z and He will be there at the court ordered time to pick up the child and exorcise His rights ,
        Sincerely : John Doe atty ,representing DAD,
   As a note to the predictability of these types My atty has been telling Me all all along that these types will back down before trial ,
   Sure enough Her atty saw Mine at court a few day's ago and asked to settle out of court , Her atty openly stated , He does not want to take this to trial !
   So look at this as an open invitation to show civil behavior and keep interacting , You should have seen the look on the monsters face when I showed up at childs school and asked questions and interacted normally during the schools open house night , I would have loved it if she would have freaked out on Me , I would have just stood there and let her be a jerk , But instead Her and her boy friend ,sheapishly left the meating as soon as it was over , I could feel the tension amoungst the other people there , I am certain that she went and told some fabulous stories to them and I was very nice and they saw a normal person , And there was a bit of hesitation on the part of the teachers etc , But then they saw that I was there for My son and ONLY concentrated on things at the school that pertained to My son

daddyrabbit38

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proposed letter
« Reply #4 on: Nov 25, 2003, 12:58:39 PM »
here is what i've come up with;

Dear Attorney;


Please review the Mediated Settlement Agreement, which specifically states that the Father shall have contact on Thursday’s between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m.  I have not found any clause which states that holidays are excluded.  I will be happy to entertain offers from your client which allow her to enjoy her holiday dinner and allow me to keep in contact with my son, however, a makeup call a week later is not acceptable nor reasonable.  Please ensure that xxx is available for me to call him at the specified date and time, or you may advise me as to which of the xxx’s cell phone numbers I may contact him at as I will be at my family’s house for the holidays.

Please review the Mediated Settlement Agreement, which specifically states that the Father shall have the first half of Christmas break from the “close of school” until 12/26.  Please have your client re-read the agreement.  If she desires to discuss alternatives to the court order I will entertain them, however, they must be mutually agreeable, not dictated.  

I am willing to entertain the following to accomodate your client; Christmas visitation for the 2003 year only, shall begin on Friday, December 19th at 7:00 p.m. and end on Saturday, December 27th at 2:00 p.m.

I fully intend to exercise every right and all court ordered visitation, and use every legal means available to me to ensure that this is carried out.  Please inform your client of the exact wording of the court order and that I will be there at the court ordered date to pick up xxx and exercise my right.

Kind regards,


Whatcha think?


StPaulieGirl

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #5 on: Nov 25, 2003, 01:32:59 PM »
who the F*** does this guy think he is?



Why he's the guy who charges 200 bucks an hour to yank your chain.  Lawyers, ughhhh!



Personally, I haven't gotten snotty letters from lawyers, but used to get snotty emails from my ex.  He knows exactly what buttons to push, and I fell for it every time.  That is why I blocked sender.  For starters, write a completely nasty, vicious, seething reply....then rip it up!  



How old is your stepson?  My kids can call their father any time they want to.  It's trying to get a hold of him that 's the problem.  If he is old enough, I don't see why he can't call you on Thanksgiving.  Okay, mommy is being a totally controlling sh*t, and won't allow him to use the phone, right?



Politely and cheerfully inform the attorney that xmas visitation will be exercised as written in the court papers.  To make sure there are no communication problems, DH will have the Sheriff accompany him to son's home. I would go to whomever has jurisdiction, and show them the court order and ask for civil standby first, before you lay down the law.  Without mutual agreement,  the court order stands as written. (ok people-quit laughing) I got a note mailed to me from my ex, stating that he would be out of town until Dec. 26th.  His visitation this year starts from when the kids get out of school, until xmas afternoon.  If the kids want to go with him after xmas, well fine.  When I first read the note, my first thought was, "Go To Hell".  He decides when he sees the kids.  Occasionally I have plans, so it was like 4 weeks until he saw them again.  This last weekend, he picked them up on Saturday afternoon(instead of Friday), and then dropped them off the next day.  



Little boys, and lots of little girls play rough and get bruised.  Any reasonable person knows that.  The boy's mother is not a reasonable person.  It's really hard not to blow your cork when you deal with these kinds of people.



Is there any way you can get a lawyer?  Yeah I know, but it might be the only way to straighten out this mess.  Her attorney is an asshole, and you need to fight fire with fire.



Anyway I understand your frustration.  I would definitely go the civil standby route for xmas, though.

StPaulieGirl

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so much for HTML tags :-(
« Reply #6 on: Nov 25, 2003, 01:34:02 PM »
I can't format my posts?

StPaulieGirl

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RE: proposed letter
« Reply #7 on: Nov 25, 2003, 01:37:04 PM »
Oh I like it!  Very legal :-)

I suggested civil standby to ensure there wouldn't be any misunderstanding about the date for xmas visitation.  

Akroma

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RE: Bm's attorney is always firing off letters.
« Reply #8 on: Nov 25, 2003, 01:42:18 PM »
he doesn't care what the decree says, if bm calls him saying this and that, he sends a letter repeating her rantings and Bills her.  Then he gets to bill her for the returned letter from us or our attorney and bill for even more time to explain the letter.  Over time though they have slowed greatly.

I wouldn't take it to personally but I would respond with very short unemotional responses.

Dear Lawyer,

Thank you for the information on XXX perscriptions. As XX's parent I do and will continue to have concerns and questions about his medical care. As such I will use my right as his parent in the future to contact his doctors and their records.  

Telephone make up time 6 days late is not acceptable, however I am willing to work with XX on a make up time. XXX can make arrangements for child to be available on Friday at xx time or Saturday at xxx times (what ever 2 times work for you, but will allow her a choice) or he will need to be available on Thanksgiving for the regular court ordered contact.  If xxx will not be at his home for telephone contact on either of those days.  XXX can have the child call me at her expense.

I will be excercising my Christmas vacation per the current court order which states the following:

the day child gets out of school....

Attached is a copy of XXX school calender as you will note Christmas break begins on XXX day.

Please inform your client that not having XXX ready at the said pick up time, will result in a motion for contempt on visitation denial.

XX is welcome to call and talk with child on any day from 8am to 8pm(or whatever your waking hours are).  If we are unavailabe when she calls I will have child return her call at our earliest convienance.

Child will be returned according to the terms of the decree.

If your client has any questions about visitation she should ask to ensure she has accurate information I will be happy to explain.  Child is a normal active child during visitation and will occasionally recieve bumps and bruises.  As a concerned parent I take every precation possible to prevent injuries.  I am also reguarly present for visitation


tryn2begooddad

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #9 on: Nov 25, 2003, 02:32:53 PM »
mud,

I feel for you. and I know that napalm is not an option although it might help...I hope you did interpret what I was saying as you had restricted access that is not what i was trying to say. What I was trying to say is that the only way it seems to beat her is to play her game, but the problem with that is the little one suffers...it is a bummer the court system is not a bit more timely in hearing your contempt motions although I have to agree with you that they might not help in the big picture...

SPARC Admin

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RE: so much for HTML tags :-(
« Reply #10 on: Nov 25, 2003, 02:33:55 PM »
>I can't format my posts?

Yes, you can.

HTML can be used, but instead of angle-brackets: < and >, surround the HTML in square brackets: [ and ].


See this previous post for a couple of tips: http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=100&topic_id=39&mesg_id=39&page=

StPaulieGirl

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Cool, thanks!
« Reply #11 on: Nov 25, 2003, 03:03:49 PM »
[font color=pink]testing....[/font]

Indigo Mom

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A few words come to mind.....
« Reply #12 on: Nov 25, 2003, 03:57:40 PM »
None of them appropriate for me to write here.

If you have a court order for Christmas, and it says X day you'll pick him up, then on X day PICK HIM UP.  Just because she has some lawyer type off a letter, your husband didn't agree to this change, therefore...the court order still stands.  Be prepared to file contempt because if you show up ON SCHEDULED TIME and she doesn't "like" it, she's gonna deny.  

If there's nothing in the court order preventing you from calling over there, then go right ahead and call.

Bruises?  Marks?  um...can we say C-H-I-L-D?  Kids are always covered in some type of owie.  If the bruises and marks were suspected as abuse, they would have called CPS.  They didn't?  Obviously not concerned.  They can bite me on this one, too.  

Lemme guess...you don't have an attorney...which means this schmuck is pushing his "legal" weight around hoping you'd buckle.  Call him, don't write, and ask him which Judge gave him authority to suddenly change COURT ORDERS!!!!

That's what I'd do....I LOVE getting attorneys goats!

FatherTime

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Is this ok?
« Reply #13 on: Nov 25, 2003, 05:32:27 PM »
Can I do this with my signature?  Or does it require too much bandwidth?


hisliltulip

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RE: One thing popped out at me...
« Reply #14 on: Nov 26, 2003, 09:24:23 AM »
Everyone here seems to have given you solid advice on how to respond to the letter concerning the visitation.

However, if this woman is as sneaky as my DH's ex, look at this sentence carefully...

"There have been several times that son has been returned home with extensive bites and bruises on his body."

It doesn't say bug-bites, it says bites.  Clarify that, or it may come back to haunt you.  There is a HUGE difference between admitting to bites, and admitting to bug bites.

Yes, I know it's paranoid...  But I am.

StPaulieGirl

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RE: One thing popped out at me... OMG
« Reply #15 on: Nov 26, 2003, 11:35:10 AM »
That was in the back of my mind when I read it!  I'm thinking mosquito, flea, dust spider, toddler going through the terrible twos.  

Lord, she could say that the parents are biting the child!  Grrrrrrr, I missed that.

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.

mudbunnies

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bites & bruises
« Reply #16 on: Nov 26, 2003, 11:56:14 AM »
dad is prepared for this... we have discussed it in detail...

we were more concerned about the bruises thing, she's already TRIED to charge dad with abuse... she even had the pediatrician do a depo on it, got NOTHING... and we have her IN WRITING telling dad day of visit child had x number of bruises from daycare on a friday and then the pedicatrician notes on the very next monday (3 days later) stating she picked child up from dad and he was covered in all these bruises and had ZERO when dad picked him up....

doctor told her flat out, if YOU think its abuse YOU call the hotline, DR will not call hotline!

we are VERY careful we take regular video taping of the child playing at our house and everything... we even videotape us giving him his medicine because she has sued dad saying dad REFUSED to give him meds, and so on and so on

we cover our butts on everything we do.... we've been dealing with this psycho for 3 years now...(child is 5)

however, her attorney has taken off for the holidays, AND EVEN TURNED OFF HIS FAX , it is our opinion that he is PATHETIC and trying to hide from dad's response because he knows what his client is doing is WRONG

oh well, dad will call on turkey day, dad will leave a message, dad will file contempt....

the righteous shall persevere.  the child will get was is best for him. love from both parents. mom will never stop dad's love.

thanks guys.. for all the response.


hisliltulip

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RE: bites & bruises
« Reply #17 on: Nov 26, 2003, 12:15:26 PM »
We have three boys, eight yo ss, five yo son, and five yo ss.  Let me tell you, those boys are ALWAYS getting bumps and bruises, they're boys!

It amazes me that these women are sooooo clueless on what normal childhood behavior is.

Hang in there, and good luck!

Beth

Indigo Mom

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RE: bites & bruises
« Reply #18 on: Nov 26, 2003, 04:25:41 PM »
-----doctor told her flat out, if YOU think its abuse YOU call the hotline, DR will not call hotline!-----

huh?  Doctors are supposed to report any possible abuse.  In fact, I've called the abuse hotline half a million times, and not one person came out to investigate.  Doctor calls 'em and the social worker was AT MY HOUSE that night!  

-----mom will never stop dad's love.-----

amen to that, sista!  

nosonew

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Agree, suggestion
« Reply #19 on: Nov 26, 2003, 06:48:19 PM »
I agree to specify that "mosquito bites and small, insignificant bruises and scratches are very common on boys of this age as they are engaged in age appropriate play in the outdoors, even with adult supervision".  

Also, I would state that the court order states "ncp to pick up...." and do not give in, do not change to suit her needs as someone earlier requested.  By doing this, you are giving up precious time with your child and the bm will just expect it to continue month after month and every xmas.  Do not give in.  You are entitled to your visits as stated, period.  Be very courteous, polite, yet firm in your letter to atty and if you do not have an attorney to cc the letter to, just send it to the judge over seeing your case.

Our BM actually called when ss was 6 years old asking "where he got the 1/16"  circular bruise between his testicles and anus" (she called 15 minutes after he was returned to her!)  I wasn't concerned about the bruise, he plays outside all the time, I was concerned about how SHE FOUND IT!!??  It is called a strip search upon return from visit!  When discussed with judges, counselors, SRS, etc., they all just stated "she is over-protective, no law against that!"  Luckily via our insistance that she quit bathing with him and strip searching him after visits, this did stop.

Good luck and stand up for your rights as a father!  Nosonew

StPaulieGirl

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RE: bites & bruises
« Reply #20 on: Nov 27, 2003, 11:09:19 AM »
we cover our butts on everything we do.... we've been dealing with this psycho for 3 years now...(child is 5)



[p]My God, you guys are living in hell...

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Agree, suggestion
« Reply #21 on: Nov 27, 2003, 11:21:36 AM »
Our BM actually called when ss was 6 years old asking "where he got the 1/16" circular bruise between his testicles and anus" (she called 15 minutes after he was returned to her!) I wasn't concerned about the bruise, he plays outside all the time, I was concerned about how SHE FOUND IT!!?? It is called a strip search upon return from visit! When discussed with judges, counselors, SRS, etc., they all just stated "she is over-protective, no law against that!" Luckily via our insistance that she quit bathing with him and strip searching him after visits, this did stop.

[p]That is totally sick behavior, and I'm wondering why she got a "pass" on that.  

[p]I haven't seen my kids genitalia since they were old enough to go to kindergarten.  Unless there is a very good reason, you don't invade your child's privacy.  A child needs to be taught at an early age, imo, that there are certain parts of the body that are private.  She violated his space.  Now that's abusive. That BM is mentally ill....

nosonew

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To st. paulie...
« Reply #22 on: Nov 27, 2003, 03:53:07 PM »
This all happened quite a few years ago, if it had been more recent, I would do what NancyLou did.  However, now ss lives with us, is content and happy, learning to live a normal life.  Yes, we did live in a "sort of hell for years" now we have a great life, and she lives by herself.

I appreciate your input and rage at this situation, as I was flabbergasted at the time.  And completely upset with the system that allowed it to happen.  (We also had to get it court ordered they stop bathing together which took years and she finally stopped when he was 7 years old!)  And she accused US of sexual abuse!! (Of course that went NOWHERE).

StPaulieGirl

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RE: To st. paulie...
« Reply #23 on: Nov 28, 2003, 12:07:52 AM »
I'm glad to hear that the boy is living with you guys.  Ever hear of a pyschological term called "projection"?  She's projecting big time when she's showering with the kid, then accusing you guys of sexual abuse.  YUCK!  At least your ss is safe.

anastasia

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My step-daughter's mother should be sister of this one
« Reply #24 on: Nov 28, 2003, 03:26:03 AM »
Reading your thread was like writing it myself.  This kind of mothers think that they can change the world and make it rotate around them.  They don't respect court orders or any agreement that you could make with them.  They are sociopath and will do with this kid as they please.  

We've going through something similar and you have to have a lot of patience and love to that kid.  I love my Sd as mine.

I'll make a thread explaining our situation and I'm so dissapointed with this system that I'm determined to change it.  But there's nothing I can do if we don't gather efforts to do it.

I already wrote to Dr. Phill's show and to a congress-man, and I'd tell everybody to do the same.  We have to stop this abusive behavior from this kind of mothers.  I think our world is corrupted and dirty enough to not do something for our children.

We need to begin to make some noises to change the system.

sweetnsad

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #25 on: Nov 28, 2003, 06:26:20 AM »
So sorry,
When I read your letter, it was like I received it myself!!!  How familiar...It boggles my mind that a woman can do this to her children...Bio mom, in our case, uses her three kids as meal tickets...guaranteed money every month...It's sad and really, only the kids suffer...but, keep the faith and know that eventually, step son will realize what kind of person she is...It might not be for a while, but it will happen and he will know what you and his father did for him....
Bio Mom accused me of being sexually assaulted as a child and told my SO that I was NOT to bathe her children as a result...Can you imagine???  It is so untrue and I don't know where she gets off...Of course, I don't listen and I bathe the kids everytime they visit...She's a lunatic...and my SO knows it and supports me 100%...
Good luck and I hope your holidays are wonderful...

StPaulieGirl

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RE: My step-daughter's mother should be sister of this one
« Reply #26 on: Nov 28, 2003, 02:34:56 PM »
This kind of mothers think that they can change the world and make it rotate around them. They don't respect court orders or any agreement that you could make with them. They are sociopath and will do with this kid as they please.

[p]With these kinds of people, the rules apply to everyone else but them.  There is no "bottom level" that they won't sink to.  They love breaking rules, just because.  You can't deal with them.  The world does revolve around them, because they literally can't understand that other people have feelings....because they don't have feelings.  They feed off other's reactions to their actions.  Does that make sense?

[p]I wish psychological evaluations were more readily available.  Society is breeding narcissists and sociopaths at breakneck speed.  The horrible thing is all the victims they leave in their path.
It has to stop.

msme

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I agree BUT..........
« Reply #27 on: Nov 30, 2003, 01:43:12 PM »
I have a friend who was involved in a very bitter & nasty divorce & her son shut his growth off at 10 years old. Everyone said that he probably just wasn't going to be very tall. At 15, he was visiting & my youngest was changing in the same room as the older boys. He came & asked me why if xx was the same age as my oldest, how come he didn't look the same. (I had already had to explain about his brother becoming a big boy) I asked my friend when was the last time she had seen him & checked his development & she had a fit about his privacy. It had been maybe 8 or 9 years. About 6 months later he went to a doctor with the flu & he picked up the developmental delay. The boy was rushed to an endocrinologist & his body jump started with hormones. It was awful. He grew almost 8 inches that next year & had morning sickness. The endocrinologist said that if he hadn't got treated when he did, he could have passed the point of no return & remained a physical child for life.

Bottom line: Every parent is responsible to check their child's physical development. Single parents who do not have a working relationship with their ex must assume that the other half is not doing it & stay informed. Dads need to talk to sons & daughters & know where they are develomentally. It is probably best to recuit an aunt or grandma to look at their daughters from time to time & see that everything is progressing properly. Moms need to do the same. If you always tell your kids that a parent has to make sure they are developing right & don't get crazy about it, they won't have a problem with it. If you have a good relationship with your sons, & they are comfortable talking to you, they will probably be quick to tell & show you any problem they have.

msme
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

kiddosmom

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RE: I agree BUT..........
« Reply #28 on: Nov 30, 2003, 02:32:02 PM »
there is a difference between checking your child for growth developement and doing strip searches every time a child is returned from the other parent.

StPaulieGirl

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Welcome back :)
« Reply #29 on: Nov 30, 2003, 03:21:35 PM »
msme
[p]Is back in town!


[p]Ughhh, morning sickness :(  My kids are growing like weeds, and eating me out of house and home.  Now if I could get them to quit with "I have a stomach ache and can't go to school", everything would be okay.

[p]That is really awful about your friend's kid.  Stress will shut you down.  I learned that the hard way.  This divorce must be worse than mine was....


[p]The endocrinologist said that if he hadn't got treated when he did, he could have passed the point of no return & remained a physical child for life.

[p]Michael Jackson?  No, seriously.  Sorry....

[p]My son seems to be growing ok.  His paternal grandpa was short.  His maternal grandpa was maybe 6ft.  His father is 5'11.  He's 16, and he's probably hitting 5'9", considering that I'm 5'8" and he's taller than me.

[p]Seriously, there is a term for this....'Failure To Thrive".  Check it out.


nosonew

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RE: I agree BUT..........
« Reply #30 on: Nov 30, 2003, 03:45:07 PM »
msme

I understand you are trying to say that each parent is responsible to make sure their children are healthy and well cared for.  I agree with that.  My point was that within 15 minutes of returning to her home, she found this particular bruise, in this particular spot.  If she was still changing his diaper, or even wiping his butt from potty training I could buy it, but NO, she was strip-searching him upon return visits.  That I find disgusting and insulting, not to mention what that tells the child without even speaking words!! Just my two cents.

msme

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RE: Welcome back :)
« Reply #31 on: Dec 01, 2003, 10:35:23 AM »
Thank you! It is so good to be back.

Failure to thrive is different. The child is usually frail & often sickly looking. I can't remember the exact name they called it, but he looked like a healthy, rosey cheeked 10 year old. except he was almost 16.
Fortunately, the treatments worked & he is over 6 feet tall & well built. Unfortunately, I don't think he will ever recover from the emotional injuries. He is in his 30's & seems unable to have a normal relationship with a woman. He dates some but rarely more than one date with any woman. His younger brother took the hard road with drugs & such & took his own life at 21.
In this case, both parents were equally to blame. They both worked overtime trying to make the kids hate the other one. It was heart breaking.

msme

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RE: I agree BUT..........
« Reply #32 on: Dec 01, 2003, 10:42:40 AM »
You are absolutely right. I was responding to  St Paulie Girls statement:

"I haven't seen my kids genitalia since they were old enough to go to kindergarten. Unless there is a very good reason, you don't invade your child's privacy."

I would have gotten CPS involved in that, I think. To subject a child to such humiliation is both sexual & emotional abuse.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

StPaulieGirl

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RE: Welcome back :)
« Reply #33 on: Dec 01, 2003, 12:48:43 PM »
[p]In this case, both parents were equally to blame. They both worked overtime trying to make the kids hate the other one. It was heart breaking.

[p]Who pays for that?  The kids.  I didn't realize he was in his 30's.  I've never heard about this kind of problem before.  Failure to thrive is seen in small children.  How sad...

msme

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RE: Welcome back :)
« Reply #34 on: Dec 01, 2003, 01:30:00 PM »
It is somewhat unusual but very definitely happens, probably more than most people would think. It is some sort of a defense mechanism. It happens when there is so much trauma in a pre-pubic child's life that his /her sub-conscious decides that there is no way they are going to grow up & enter the adult world. They just shut down all the growth processes & remain at the place where they are.

He was about 10 when he shut down & it was diagnosed when he was almost 16. I didn't know what was wrong at first but I knew something wasn't right. Our boys were 3 months apart & while he was a bit smaller than mine, up to that point they had grown pretty much at the same rate. I  tried to get her to have him seen earlier but she threw a fit every time I mentioned it.

It got caught when his regular pediatrician died suddenly & a new doctor saw him for the flu. He was shocked when he did a routine hernia check & saw how delayed he was. He really reamed her out for not being on top of his development.

I do know that the treatment was a horrible ordeal. The hormones caused him to get morning sickness & he grew so fast that he had terrible bone & muscle pain. It is supposed to be accompanied with therapy because essentially, he went through puberty in about 1 year. She dropped the ball on that too & I guess that is why he is still having emotional problems now.

The bottom line is that all parents need to have regular conversations with their kids about the changes that are going on. It is a lot more than just telling girls that they are going to get their period. How can you know if your kid is developing properly if you can't discuss the changes & know what stage they are at.

If you start young & explain that it is important that mom or dad know that they are growing right on track, most kids will welcome the opportunity to also get info they glean at school clarified.

msme

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

nosonew

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RE: I agree BUT..........
« Reply #35 on: Dec 01, 2003, 08:45:44 PM »
We tried CPS, they just said she was being "overprotective" and so did the counselor and so did the courts.  However, because we kept up our complaints about it, she was told by the counselor to quit bathing and strip searching and she actually did (at least to our knowledge).  Thanks for your input, hope that boy who is now 30 something will find the right woman who can help him put his past behind him.

fightingformen

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RE: dads??? someone less emotional, got any advice
« Reply #36 on: Dec 02, 2003, 03:24:25 PM »
What you need to do is consentrate on just being the best Dad. the system sucks and I am fighting to change it!! being female and seeing and hearing the terriable injustice I have become involved. Writing letters to State Assemblyman, Family Court and Supreme Court. I was turned to this web-site by our local Assemblyman and hope that I can make a difference

 

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