How to get started as a custodial father??

[Inputflangeman]

I am in the midst of a divorce, and am negotiating a joint legal residential custodial arrangement with my wife, allowing 50% visitation for both of us.

I Badly want to make this work for all of us, but, am interested in finding some resources, especailly locally, to help single fathers get established after a divorce.

There is so much that seems to need to get done to get setup, continue with the divorce, maintain effectiveness at work, support the children and their activities, maintain some degree of individuality/identity, etc...  I know people make it work.  Any suggestions on resources, or where to start?

[Kent]

Check if there is a local chapter of Parents Without Partners.
It's a very low-cost membership group ($ 35.00 / year) that consists of mainly divorced and still single parents with many activities for adults, children, and for both.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

Pick up a book called "Mom's house, Dad's house" by Ricci. Most book stores have it and your library will probably have it.

Kids inherently need stability. While I believe their need to spend time with both parents is critical (I have my daughter 50%), be aware that it's stressful on the kid(s). The above book will help with some of the issues. I would strongly encourage both parents to read it.

The other thing to realize is that when your child(ren) is(are) with you, they need your undivided attention for a significant amount of time. 'Quality time' is great, but it's no substitute for 'quantity time'. Remember that all the time you spend with them will pay off in the long run - and you'll have the other 50% of your time to catch up on your other activities (work, household, friends, etc).

Finally, you'll have to bend over backwards to get along with your stbx. Mine is constantly asking for stuff that I'd like to tell her to jump in a lake, but in the interest of maintaining harmony, I give in. You do have to know where to draw the line, but it may be a slightly looser line than you wish.

Good luck.

[greatdad]

If you mean father with Sole custody(?) as I am, be prepared to learn and accept help from everyone. Be very open minded, ask lot's of questions of other "moms" they will bend over backwards to help you. Yes, it can be embarrassing at times, but after a while you will get over that.
Other than your schedule to be at work on time so you can remain employed , all else needs to revolve around the children's schedules IE: getting up earlier than they to get ready so you can then get them ready for school, daycare etc. You will need to prepare meals in advance, do meal planning when grocery shopping, anticipate seasonal changes for buying clothes on sale in advance. You will need to get used to doing laundry, dishes and attending to your needs after they get to bed at night.
It sounds overwhelming, but once you make it your new routine, it really works and becomes what you do. You merely replace old behavior and patterns with the new ones. Remember to include the children in as much as you can , so they feel a part of things. That way it isn't like a spectator sport...they get to participate and it will feel much more natural. You will also be surprised at how helpful they can be and how rewarding it is to spend that time together.
OH..........get used to being cash broke, but love rich,it truly is the time you spend with them NOT the money!!!!

I first thought- can I do this, then how can I do it, then I just decided to just do it realizing that the only thing I could control was me and failure was and is not an option where the children are concerned. You can do it...........find your faith, find your friends and trust yourself.

[Inputflangeman]

Wow - very well thought out responses, and very hopeful as well.  I guess it all just seems overwhelming right now, and I probably need to relax a little bit and roll with the changes.

One other question I have - how did you end up as sole custodian, and what type of visitation do the children have with you/your ex wife?

I recognize the children's need to be with both their mother and father - which is why I want my custodial and visitation negotiations to begin at joint 50/50, but, their mother seems to be using some poor judgement in terms of parenting decisions.  The children are too young to recognize this (5 and 3), but, they are decisions that I object to, and frankly, jeopardize their well being.

I am curious if you managed to get your arrangement through a voluntary negotiation, or litigation, and if so, what other details you could offer?

Thanks for the thougtful response too!

[mistoffolees]

>Wow - very well thought out responses, and very hopeful as
>well.  I guess it all just seems overwhelming right now, and I
>probably need to relax a little bit and roll with the
>changes.
>
>One other question I have - how did you end up as sole
>custodian, and what type of visitation do the children have
>with you/your ex wife?

There are no firm rules, but a general guideline would be that you're not likely to get sole custody unless you can demonstrate that the kids are in serious danger with the other parent. Just disagreeing with their parenting choices won't do it.

[Inputflangeman]

So how did you manage to do it?  I'm new to the forum, so I don't know the whole history and am curious...

[mistoffolees]

>So how did you manage to do it?  I'm new to the forum, so I
>don't know the whole history and am curious...

I have 50:50, so I didn't 'do it'.

50:50 is easy in some states - even the default. In cases where it's not standard, you just have to demonstrate that it's in the best interest of the child. In our case, that involved a custody evaluation.

[Kent]

In my case the question would be: How did I NOT end up with full sole custody?

If the mother is a documented stripper...

If the mother admits in court to prostitution and taking her 2 year old son with her to her customers...

If the mother is documented as a liar in the custody evaluation...

(Not to mention fully unwilling to cooperate with the father in any form or way)

Why did she still end up with 50/50 physical custody?

At least I obtained sole legal and primary residency. Now, 5 years later, and 5 years of attempted (but failed) PAS, our son has given her so much sh$% that she just gave up and dropped him off at my doorstep.
He despises the every other weekend he has to spend with her (per my direction), but other than that, he's fine.

The PAS failed because I did spend every free minute I had with him. We played basketball, baseball, card games (while I was cooking our dinner), got him a gokart, went to all his school functions, assistant-coached his sports teams, didn't miss a practice or a game, and loved him as much as I could.

If your employer is an obstacle, please remember something a former Coke CEO once said:

"Life is like juggling 5 balls; they are labeled FAMILY, HEALTH, INTEGRITY, LOVE, and WORK.
The first 4 are made out of crystal; if you drop it, it will get a scuffmark, a crack, or it may even break. It will never be the same again.
The ball labeled WORK however appears to be made of rubber; every time you drop it, it bounces right back at you."

Kent!

[Inputflangeman]

Wow Kent - it sounds like you have one heck of a story to tell...

I too am concerned about the possibility of PAS as it runs in her family (she does not communicate with her mother), and she has used the children vainly to try to get at me.

I keep trying to remind myself that the only way for the children to become alienated from me, would be for me to do it to myself.  Anything that their mother might say about me or do to me, will not reconcile with the love, support, friendship and guidance that I provide them.  I keep trying to remind myself that any attempts at alienating them, can only backfire.  I know that is very utopian, but, if I can't believe in that, then I wouldn't be able to continue.  The thought of my children not reciprocating crushes me.  This is my greatest fear in the entire dissolution.  I/We are custodians of their future...