How to get started as a custodial father??

[Inputflangeman]

I am in the midst of a divorce, and am negotiating a joint legal residential custodial arrangement with my wife, allowing 50% visitation for both of us.

I Badly want to make this work for all of us, but, am interested in finding some resources, especailly locally, to help single fathers get established after a divorce.

There is so much that seems to need to get done to get setup, continue with the divorce, maintain effectiveness at work, support the children and their activities, maintain some degree of individuality/identity, etc...  I know people make it work.  Any suggestions on resources, or where to start?

[Kent]

Check if there is a local chapter of Parents Without Partners.
It's a very low-cost membership group ($ 35.00 / year) that consists of mainly divorced and still single parents with many activities for adults, children, and for both.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

Pick up a book called "Mom's house, Dad's house" by Ricci. Most book stores have it and your library will probably have it.

Kids inherently need stability. While I believe their need to spend time with both parents is critical (I have my daughter 50%), be aware that it's stressful on the kid(s). The above book will help with some of the issues. I would strongly encourage both parents to read it.

The other thing to realize is that when your child(ren) is(are) with you, they need your undivided attention for a significant amount of time. 'Quality time' is great, but it's no substitute for 'quantity time'. Remember that all the time you spend with them will pay off in the long run - and you'll have the other 50% of your time to catch up on your other activities (work, household, friends, etc).

Finally, you'll have to bend over backwards to get along with your stbx. Mine is constantly asking for stuff that I'd like to tell her to jump in a lake, but in the interest of maintaining harmony, I give in. You do have to know where to draw the line, but it may be a slightly looser line than you wish.

Good luck.

[greatdad]

If you mean father with Sole custody(?) as I am, be prepared to learn and accept help from everyone. Be very open minded, ask lot's of questions of other "moms" they will bend over backwards to help you. Yes, it can be embarrassing at times, but after a while you will get over that.
Other than your schedule to be at work on time so you can remain employed , all else needs to revolve around the children's schedules IE: getting up earlier than they to get ready so you can then get them ready for school, daycare etc. You will need to prepare meals in advance, do meal planning when grocery shopping, anticipate seasonal changes for buying clothes on sale in advance. You will need to get used to doing laundry, dishes and attending to your needs after they get to bed at night.
It sounds overwhelming, but once you make it your new routine, it really works and becomes what you do. You merely replace old behavior and patterns with the new ones. Remember to include the children in as much as you can , so they feel a part of things. That way it isn't like a spectator sport...they get to participate and it will feel much more natural. You will also be surprised at how helpful they can be and how rewarding it is to spend that time together.
OH..........get used to being cash broke, but love rich,it truly is the time you spend with them NOT the money!!!!

I first thought- can I do this, then how can I do it, then I just decided to just do it realizing that the only thing I could control was me and failure was and is not an option where the children are concerned. You can do it...........find your faith, find your friends and trust yourself.

[Inputflangeman]

Wow - very well thought out responses, and very hopeful as well.  I guess it all just seems overwhelming right now, and I probably need to relax a little bit and roll with the changes.

One other question I have - how did you end up as sole custodian, and what type of visitation do the children have with you/your ex wife?

I recognize the children's need to be with both their mother and father - which is why I want my custodial and visitation negotiations to begin at joint 50/50, but, their mother seems to be using some poor judgement in terms of parenting decisions.  The children are too young to recognize this (5 and 3), but, they are decisions that I object to, and frankly, jeopardize their well being.

I am curious if you managed to get your arrangement through a voluntary negotiation, or litigation, and if so, what other details you could offer?

Thanks for the thougtful response too!

[mistoffolees]

>Wow - very well thought out responses, and very hopeful as
>well.  I guess it all just seems overwhelming right now, and I
>probably need to relax a little bit and roll with the
>changes.
>
>One other question I have - how did you end up as sole
>custodian, and what type of visitation do the children have
>with you/your ex wife?

There are no firm rules, but a general guideline would be that you're not likely to get sole custody unless you can demonstrate that the kids are in serious danger with the other parent. Just disagreeing with their parenting choices won't do it.

[Inputflangeman]

So how did you manage to do it?  I'm new to the forum, so I don't know the whole history and am curious...

[mistoffolees]

>So how did you manage to do it?  I'm new to the forum, so I
>don't know the whole history and am curious...

I have 50:50, so I didn't 'do it'.

50:50 is easy in some states - even the default. In cases where it's not standard, you just have to demonstrate that it's in the best interest of the child. In our case, that involved a custody evaluation.

[Kent]

In my case the question would be: How did I NOT end up with full sole custody?

If the mother is a documented stripper...

If the mother admits in court to prostitution and taking her 2 year old son with her to her customers...

If the mother is documented as a liar in the custody evaluation...

(Not to mention fully unwilling to cooperate with the father in any form or way)

Why did she still end up with 50/50 physical custody?

At least I obtained sole legal and primary residency. Now, 5 years later, and 5 years of attempted (but failed) PAS, our son has given her so much sh$% that she just gave up and dropped him off at my doorstep.
He despises the every other weekend he has to spend with her (per my direction), but other than that, he's fine.

The PAS failed because I did spend every free minute I had with him. We played basketball, baseball, card games (while I was cooking our dinner), got him a gokart, went to all his school functions, assistant-coached his sports teams, didn't miss a practice or a game, and loved him as much as I could.

If your employer is an obstacle, please remember something a former Coke CEO once said:

"Life is like juggling 5 balls; they are labeled FAMILY, HEALTH, INTEGRITY, LOVE, and WORK.
The first 4 are made out of crystal; if you drop it, it will get a scuffmark, a crack, or it may even break. It will never be the same again.
The ball labeled WORK however appears to be made of rubber; every time you drop it, it bounces right back at you."

Kent!

[Inputflangeman]

Wow Kent - it sounds like you have one heck of a story to tell...

I too am concerned about the possibility of PAS as it runs in her family (she does not communicate with her mother), and she has used the children vainly to try to get at me.

I keep trying to remind myself that the only way for the children to become alienated from me, would be for me to do it to myself.  Anything that their mother might say about me or do to me, will not reconcile with the love, support, friendship and guidance that I provide them.  I keep trying to remind myself that any attempts at alienating them, can only backfire.  I know that is very utopian, but, if I can't believe in that, then I wouldn't be able to continue.  The thought of my children not reciprocating crushes me.  This is my greatest fear in the entire dissolution.  I/We are custodians of their future...

[janM]

Did you hash out an agreement with your ex? Take it to court?
Want an update!! LOL.

[Inputflangeman]

I am in the very earliest stages of the divorce and we have yet to be in court.  We have had a single meeting together with both of our attorneys present.  My hope, and I think hers too, is that we don't have to use the court, that we can reach a negotiated settlement as quickly as possible.

[Kent]

Jan,

The agreement so far is that he will be with his mother every other weekend from Friday 6:00 pm until Sunday 7:30 pm.
Which weekend that is is still in dispute; I go to school every other weekend, and she insists those are the weekends he should be with me.
Since our son does NOT want that, we'll see what happens... ;)

Kent!

[Kent]

Especially if you have 50/50 time with your children, you will have sufficient opportunity to counter any PAS attempts.
Spend all the quality time with your children that you can, be honest with them, and don't hide the truth from them.
You will be amazed how much they will pick up on, even at their young age.

Kent!

[greatdad]

>>So how did you manage to do it?  I'm new to the forum, so I
>>don't know the whole history and am curious...

While I would like to give you some formula to follow,  but the truth is in my case my STBX left, filed for divorce asking for support,alimony,sole custody, and everything else imaginable. I tried to negotiate with her, but she was firmly convinced that as an "alleged" stay at home mom, she would get all asked for and there was no way I could get custody.
My state  offers free mediation which I jumped at but STBX refused outright instead opting for expensive atty.
At Pendente hearing before Judge it wasn't so much that I won, as she lost. Her testimony was full of holes and my atty was able to expose so many half truths and inconsistencys that in the end, the Judge just flat out did not find her credible or truthful and could see that she was  not going to foster my relationship with the children if she were to have them.
Main thing going for me was that I was 100% truthful and open both in court AND to my atty. I reviewed STBX's interrogatorys and then gave my atty a ton of info to counter them, so he didnt have to guess at a defense and had specific items to go after. Do NOT rely on your atty or anyone else to do your homework for you, no one knows your ex or your situation better than you. Take a highly active role in your own case or you are likely to lose, to your atty your just another case and he gets paid win or lose.If you win, he'll take the credit, but you'll take the children..................very fair trade !
If you do get custody, be very dilegent as your ex will come after you.....bitter and angry...........the battle has just begun.

>
>I have 50:50, so I didn't 'do it'.
>
>50:50 is easy in some states - even the default. In cases
>where it's not standard, you just have to demonstrate that
>it's in the best interest of the child. In our case, that
>involved a custody evaluation.

[Windd]

If there is a right of first refusal in your order she would have them while you are in school, effectively having them every weekend and limiting the time the chlid gets to spend with you.

[mistoffolees]

>If there is a right of first refusal in your order she would
>have them while you are in school, effectively having them
>every weekend and limiting the time the chlid gets to spend
>with you.

That depends.

In my state, 'right of first refusal' typically applies only in overnight situations (unless you specify otherwise). It would not apply during work hours.

Just one more reason to make sure the agreement is explicit on everything you can think of.

[Kent]

Windd,

There is a right of first refusal. However, since she dropped him off at my doorstep and voluntarily gave up her time, she won't have a leg to stand on.
Next to that, the right of first refusal will not prevail over a stepparent.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

>Windd,
>
>There is a right of first refusal. However, since she dropped
>him off at my doorstep and voluntarily gave up her time, she
>won't have a leg to stand on.
>Next to that, the right of first refusal will not prevail over
>a stepparent.
>

I think I'd be very careful if I were you. Those statements might get you into trouble.

First, stepparents don't generally have any rights wrt to the kids.

Second, in most cases, her willingness to give up some rights under the agreement doesn't void all of her other rights.

If I were you, I'd consult an attorney.

[Kent]

Our son is 12. In case of a dispute, the GA courts let the wishes of the child weigh heavily.
Therefore, I am not worried. I let the status quo establish itself without upsetting anything.

No judge will enforce the right of first refusal for a 12 year old against a stepparent for 8 hours of classes. Especially not against the explicit wishes of the 12 year old child.

For much younger children AND prolonged absence it will be different, but not in this case.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

>
>No judge will enforce the right of first refusal for a 12 year
>old against a stepparent for 8 hours of classes. Especially
>not against the explicit wishes of the 12 year old child.

I don't believe your statement is factually correct, particularly the 'no judge' part. I would encourage talking with an attorney.

Will some judges go by the kids' wishes at age 12? Sure. Will ALL judges do so? No way.